Bro Knows News

So, Trent Van Drisse, of the uber popular ‘ Mid Southern Wrestling Message Board ‘ , broke some news on the podcast he has with Larry Goodman and Murder One, this past week, that Mike Porter, Tony Falk and Bert Prentice were all seen together at a Chinese Restaurant two Saturdays ago….

To call this a ‘ meeting of the minds ‘ , would be to give that term a backhanded slap and a spit in the face…. However, inquiring minds would like to know what these three were up to….

I will go on the record, IN THIS BLOG, in giving my opinion on what I think this was all about….. There are several options. I will cover them all below….

- Three Stooges Movie Casting…..

This seems the most logical really…. I have heard news that the movie adaptation of ‘ The Three Stooges ‘ had been shelved after Sean Penn and Jim Carrey pulled out of the project. However, I had also heard the studio was looking to recast and move on with the project….

And who better to play Larry, Curly and Moe than these three?!

Yeah, that’s a hard question to answer, huh?!

That’s because this is a no brainer….

And, the story basically writes itself….

I can see the synopsis now….

‘ The three stooges try to start a wrestling promotion. Hijinks ensue as they jeopardize each others pursuit in attaining the goal of running a wrestling show. ‘

They would be cast as follows…. Bert as Curly, Tony as Larry and Mike as Moe….

Or….

Maybe they were coming together with the producers of the sequel to the ‘ A-Team ‘ …… To be cast as some new members in the sequel…

Bert could be the new Hannibal wearing his Hawaiian shirts and chomping on a cigar as he gives orders to his troops….

Tony Falk would be Hawkeye…. Just crazy as shit , making the kookiest ideas work… such as, running a wrestling show In the lobby of a hotel better known as a ‘ crack den ‘ and ‘ whorehouse ‘ …..

And Mike….. Well, he’d be the driver of the creeper van…. I mean, enough said with that….

And together, they’d form and alliance with ‘ Face ‘ , obviously played by Newcomer, Marcus Pastorius, wearing a Vest, of course, to use their unique skills to take out other wrestling promoters in the area…. Preferably starting with H.W.A …..

Hannibal ( Prentice ) would call the fire marshall or local police about whatever promotion they were sabotaging this week, while Hawkeye (Falk) would dress in a disguise and be the promotions ‘ fill in ‘ booker and book all of his talent on another companys show, thus sabotaging them by putting mediocre talent in the ring and Porter ( BA Barracus ) would just sit out in the creeper van and leer creepily at the people going to the show, giving them a sense of uneasiness…. All while Marcus Pastorius hits the ring to be a ring announcer, where he will insult everyone with his verbiage as he ridicules cancer patients, all religious creeds, races, sex, orientation and ages……

And Boom! You got a destroyed company all at the hands of Nashville’s Wrestling A-Team…..

Orrrrrrrrrr

Fill in your best ideas, here ____________________________________

- Chicken Hat gets tackled at an USWO show while trying to ‘ save ‘ the belt….

This story cracks me up…. This is like putting a loaded gun on a table in front of a retard…. Pretty soon, you know the retard is going to pick it up and fire….

And, with Chickenhat always being personally involved in the shows at USWO, this was inevitable….

In his half functioning mind, he thought he was doing the right thing, by getting personally involved in a show, by picking up the belt and trying to give it to Tony….. But, this is also a man who wears a cowboy hat with colorful poultry feathers adorned to it and looks like someone sent a groundskeeper back in time to 1975 to raid Marty Robbins closet…. So, obviously deducing powers are not the prevailing attribute when thinking about Chickenhat…. shitty drawers and body odor – Yes... Making the right decision – Not so much….

It’s all harmless now and everything has calmed down, but if I was Tony, I’d be careful about how much access and involvement I’d let Chickenhat have….. Otherwise…. This happens again, and lets say he gets seriously hurt…. By the end of this year we may have C.H.W.A. replace U.S.W.O – The Chicken Hat Wrestling Alliance….. It would be like Bizarro Superman at the Stadium Inn – Everything backwards…. ChickenHat would be sitting at the door, taking your money, giving you tickets and yelling at Gordon, while Tony Falk danced to Jimmy’s music and sang the National Anthem and then sitting down to mumble incoherently under his breath and yell at the heels….

- Speaking Of Chicken Hat

He was on the ‘ Phoning It In ‘ podcast, with Trent and Larry Goodman and Murder One, in what has to be the funniest interview I’ve ever heard… I highly suggest you go give that a listen….

Some of the highlights of his interview….

- His downright hatred/overbearing sexual tension with Athena comes through loud and clear as he calls her a whore and slut and bitch repeatedly….

He also claims that Athena has been in more motels than a Gideon Bible and that Athena is the only person, that puts ‘ Motel 6 ‘ as her place of residence on an application….

I mean, for a half retard, that’s pretty funny stuff….

His armed forces slogans about Athena are pretty hilarious too and I eagerly await the coming rebuttal by Athena at a show or maybe a phonecall to the podcast soon….

He confirmed the accident story, also confirmed he’s missing half his brain…. Which, I hate to admit, made me laugh my head off, or in this case, half my brain off * cue rim shot *

He has a job, as a busser, for a hotel downtown…. I was wondering the whole time, if they allowed him to wear the hat while he worked…. I hope they do…. Although, I’m sure by doing so, close to 5,000 health code violations were committed…. Then again, just hiring him and having him in a kitchen and around food, violates about 1,000 alone….

He believes wrestling is real….. Which, is sweet in a way…. That made me utter a small ‘ awwwww ‘ when he said that…. It made me want to pat him on the head, then I quickly thought about the dandruff flakes, grease and general creepy crawly creatures that I would have on my hand after I removed it, and maybe a small case of scabies?!

He goes to other wrestling shows, PPV’s and travels a lot…. Meaning he’s independently wealthy…. Which made me go and quickly devise a plan to wear a hat with feathers in it and run around in traffic on gallatin pike….

It was an awesome interview…. Go check it out. The podcast in general is great and should be a weekly listen for all those interested in the Mid Southern Wrestling scene….

- Jeff Daniels claims items were stolen from the USWO lockeroom this past weekend….

He posted on Trent’s bored claiming that someone had stolen stuff from someone else in the USWO lockeroom…. The term ‘ USWO ‘ and ‘ lockeroom ‘, made me snicker, but I digress….

What was stolen?! No one knows, but I have my ideas…

Here is a list of items that I think Jeff was referring to…

1. Talent

2. Talent

3. See numbers 1 and 2….

But, don’t worry Jeff…. Talent wasn’t stolen from that lockerroom, it was never there to begin with… As a whole…

Sure, there are a few that have it in there, but as a whole…. Mehhhhhh

And then there’s the whole Chris Harris issue with the good guys over at www.inyourheadonline.com …..

I’ve listened to their podcast for about a year and have listened to their archives, and they’ve always been nothing but professional with everyone they’ve had on and have always treated the guests with respect…

So, that’s why it was surprising to hear that they had issues with… Chris Harris?!

Chris was supposed to be on the show to do an interview, and Jack E. Jones, the host of the show, had been exchanging emails with Chris to confirm his appearance….

What happens next, is just an avalanche of errors and at the end of it all, it leaves you wondering if maybe Chris Harris had half his brain removed too, alongside ChickenHat….

You really have to go listen to the podcast of that show, to really get a grasp on the weirdness exhibited by Chris Harris through emails…. He tells the host to call him to remind him, and was being cool about the interview…. Then the day it was supposed to take place, Chris Harris starts acting like he has no idea who the guy is…. And keeps repeatedly asking who he is and what radio stations he works for and being adamant about the fact he never had an interview set up…. You know, despite the fact, the host was replying to Chris Harris’ own emails where he could have easily scrolled down to look where the interview was confirmed by himself earlier…..

It all winds up with Chris Harris calling the hosts house, several times, and just hanging up, repeatedly….

It really is a bizarre story and really strange coming from Chris, who I thought was one of the better guys in the business.

Maybe when he went to WWE and became Braden Walker, and delivered that awesome catchphrase of ‘ I’m Braden Walker and I’m gonna knock your brains out ‘ , he tried to punch someone and somehow wound up hitting himself, and knocking his own brains out…. I mean, how else do you explain this strange behavior?!

The topper of it all, was listening to that clown, Jesse Neal, call in to defend Chris Harris and some promoters honor….

He got mad that the hosts were making fun of Harris’ emails, of which they had every right to do, and joking around about some promoter ‘ sitting in his house sucking dick ‘ …..

Neal got so indignant that they were making these claims, because Neal was at the promoters house, that he decided to call in….

At first he did the whole ‘ im a tough wrestler on the phone and I’ll frighten you into crying and backing off with my gruff voice and demeanor ‘ puffing out the chest act, but the boys on inyourhead, just laughed him off… As they should, because Jesse Neal, is a clown and clowns deserve laughter….

First off, getting soooooooooooo mad, that two podcasters are making fun of a promoter and saying that he was ‘ probably ‘ at home ‘ sucking dick ‘ , and you calling in and saying your at his house and being vitriolic about the fact that no sucking of the peen is going on, actually makes you look like you were hoover-ing up some penis, Jesse Neal….

Second of all, Who are you?! Why should I care about anything you say?! You’re a mediocre talent on an incredibly shitty wrestling TV show, and in about 5 years, you’ll be a footnote in the checkbook of TNA, that will be opened by Vince McMahon, when he acquires the company and he’ll be like ‘ who the hell is this jesse neal?! Is he that fat bastard from Dukes of Hazzard?! Dixie Hired him?! ‘ ….

To which one of his assistants will inform him ‘ no sir… he was in a tag team called ‘ ink inc ‘ ‘

‘ I heard you the first time, why repeat it?! ‘

“ sir… that was their name ink inc “

“ goddammit, I said I heard you the first time, why the hell do you keep repeating the name of his tag team!? And why are they called ‘ ink ‘ for? that makes absolutely no sense ‘

“ sir… I’m not repeating…. The name, is ink, as in a pen writes in…. and inc, as in incorporated…. “

“ my god, that may be the absolute gayest thing I’ve ever heard….Quick! bring Pat Patterson in here, STAT! ‘

Pat enters….

“ Pat, tell me that story about you and that Nashville promoter, Bert Prentice, again, hurry! ‘

“ well you see boss…. Me and Bert were at his place, and we were watching ‘ Beaches ‘ under a quilt together, brownies were in the oven, and we had mudmasks on… after ‘ Beaches ‘ finished we decided to watch ‘ Grey’s Anatomy ‘ while eating those wonderfully delicious brownies… we then finished the night by painting each others nails and then retiring to the bedroom where….. “

“ ALRIGHT, get the hell outta here “

“ Sir, what was that all about….?! “

“ Well, you just got through saying the gayest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, with that horrendous and shitty tag team name that Jesse James or whoever was in…. And, I had to actually replace that in my memory bank, with the absolute gayest thing I have ever heard “

END SCENE

Ink Inc…. Isn’t that just cute….

Jesse Neal goes on to berate the hosts, saying they only have three listeners to their show… Which, is hilarious in context, because then…. Why Call to defend your honor in front of three people?!

Then he does the typical ‘ im an offended wrestler and as such, will challenge you to a fight to prove my manliness, grrrrr, see how manly I can be!!! ‘ schtick, by saying he hopes to see them someday out in public, so they can say what they were saying to his face…..

I’ve always found wrestlers funny like this…. It would be hard NOT to laugh in someone’s face, like a wrestler, when they use this line…. Why?! Simple….

It’s stupid…. Of course, if chances were that Jesse Neal met me in public, because of his training and years spent wrestling, he could probably do some damage to me, but what would that prove exactly?! That he wasn’t sucking dick ?! not hardly…. All it would prove was that a trained wrestler, who gets paid to beat up people, beat up an internet writer…. That’s like me challenging a guy in a wheelchair in the 40 yard dash and when I win, gloat in his face…. It proves nothing…. That’s like me going ‘ Man, Jesse Neal, sweet tats bro… cool hair, dude…. I can’t wait to meet you in a chatroom or comment section somewhere, so I can own you with some dastardly verbiage!!!! ‘ …..

I’m surprised Dixie lets clowns like these represent her company, openly, on the airwaves, and especially on an internet wrestling podcast show, one of the biggest in the nation – btw…..

Seems you really wouldn’t want to turn your core audience against your product, by having some curtain jerker come on the air and run down the hosts and internet wrestling fans in general…. You know, TNA’s core audience…. Makes absolutely no sense, which is why it makes perfect sense in TNA Bizarro World….

Speaking of inyourhead…. On their most recent podcast, you can listen to Percy Pringle, aka Paul Bearer, who is always entertaining. But, in the interview, he says that he is going to be doing a BIG show in Nashville on the 26^tth of March, anyone have any idea what he’s talking about?!

Mickie James and Victoria have come under fire recently for comments they made on Twitter about WWE…. Mickie commented about the Rock’s return and Victoria commented on Trish Stratus’ return…. Supposedly Dixie or top level management was mad at them for making comments in a positive light about their ‘ competition ‘ …..

This is RICH….

Competition….

Their Competition?!

Don’t you have to beat someone, AT LEAST, once in a blue moon, to be considered competition?! TNA is no competition to WWE and the fact that Dixie and her minions think so, is quite comical and crazy…..

Here’s a list of things that are bigger competitions to their opponents, than TNA is to WWE

- Sobriety Vs. Charlie Sheen

- Moral Decency Vs. Lindsay Lohan

- Sanitary Vs. Stadium Inn

- Middle School Diploma Vs. ChickenHat

- Breaking 100 pounds Vs. Angelina Love

- Being Straight Vs. Bert Prentice

- Dental Hygiene Vs. Nashville Wrestling Fans

You get the picture….

I mean what’s the point?! It’s not like you’re on TV opposite WWE…. Or in any way, shape or form a threat to topple the empire…. So, who cares?! No one who is watching TNA is going ‘ what’s WWE?! Another wrestling organization?! Oh… well, I will be sure to watch that now, and not watch TNA ‘ … NO!

Get over yourselves, TNA, just who do you think you are?!

Email it brotha - thebro1869@yahoo.com

SAW TV Review..... Err.... Diatribe 12/12/11

If there is one thing I could change about S.A.W. it would be to ask for a wrestling genie that could grant me a wish….. And then for my wish, I’d ask for a million other wishes to correct all the wrongs with SAW TV….

However….

If that genie wanted to be stubborn and actually play by the genie handbook, which clearly states....

– section 45, page 3, paragraph 13c –

‘ If person cashing in a wish, asks for more wishes, then all wishes shall be revoked and his soul cast into a lake of fire…. Or maybe just a small heated pond, since we’re genies and not the dark lord himself…. ‘

Then, I’d be forced to ask for the most pressing wish of all for S.A.W.

- The ability to make someone care about what they’re watching -

I sat down with my son to watch S.A.W. the other night, in between watching a WWE PPV on DVD and that is like going from watching the Yankees play in Yankee Stadium or the Red Sox playing in Fenway, to watching the local little league game at some sh*tty, run down field between two teams sponsored by a Bar B Que joint and a laundrymat….

And, that’s not to say that S.A.W. is not charming…. It is… Much like watching a little league baseball game…. But, for an outsider, such as my son, I understand how taxing this can be….

Why?!

They give you absolutely no reason to care about a match, unless you are an established SAW supporter and know all the wrestlers and storylines…. They just randomly throw a match on TV to start a show and you’re supposed to automatically be sold, 100 percent, on the action and the characters…. Michael Graham could have possibly stated the reason Chase Stevens was fighting some guy with the last name of ‘ Temper ‘ , but honestly, Michael Graham might has well of been reading the names and numbers from the phonebook or perhaps reading me a menu from a fine dining establishment, because he just puts me to sleep on commentary…..

I just don’t get it…. It’s like SAW is in a little world to itself, and it’s content to stay that way. Like that Stephen King book about the town that was placed inside a huge super bubble dome…. SAW is like that…. It has it’s core group of fans and it seems to only want to cater to them with their TV…. I don’t understand it…. Have some promos, have a video package showing why these two wrestlers are fighting…. Explain things, give people a reason to care…. Instead of just ‘ lets go to the ring… What’s This?! There’s two people fighting for unknown reasons…. ‘

If I’m just a casual TV watcher on a Saturday night, I immediately flip right past this stuff after watching it for 5 minutes…. Everything from Mr. Rogers, sans a cardigan, on commentary to the shitty local commercials to the two guys fighting in the ring that no one outside of chickenhat and his brood of DNA delinquents cares about, it’s just painful to watch…..

Not to mention the claims of it being ‘ live ‘ and everyone in attendance being in shorts and tank tops and a George Gulas promo where sunbeams are cascading across his sweater, when it’s 9 p.m. outside…. I mean, you have already insulted my intelligence by expecting anyone other than a 16 year old carrying a wrestlers child and screaming ‘ there my baby daddy!!! ‘ at the TV and chickenhat to care about the action on screen, you have to up the ante by claiming it’s ‘ live ‘ when clearly these matches were filmed in the summer….

It’s cool to have TV when you’re a wrestling company, but if you’re not going to put the best product out there, then why show it?! Or…. Here’s an idea… How about have some alternate things to show during that hour, if you’re not going to put a product out there that is indicative of the kind of things you will see if you bought a ticket currently to watch the show…. Unbeknown to Reno and the SAW TV staff, watching replays of matches that happened sometimes over a year ago, is no way to build your company and attract more fans…. Why?!

Because we don’t have a plutonium powered DeLorean time machine!!!!

So, if you’re not going to show current or even semi-current SAW programming, here are my suggestions for what to do with your paid hour of television….

- ' George Gulas Reads Shakespeare '…..

You think you’ve read Shakespeare?! THINK AGAIN!!!!! Because George will have you captivated and probably a little dumbfounded when he reads Shakespeare and mispronounces words and invents new ones you’ve never heard before….. It’s like Shakespeare, REBORN!....

- ‘ Can you get hired by Tony Falk?! ‘

A new reality show where we take hidden cameras and place them on people who want to be professional wrestlers and try to get hired by world famous promoter – Tony Falk….. Watch as people confined in wheelchairs and those missing limbs vie for a job in Tony Falk’s company as they outbid each other with how many ‘ paying customers ‘ each can bring….

- Fear Factor ‘ Stadium Inn ‘

We all love the hit show Fear Factor…. Now, watch as we take USWO and SAW fans and subject them to an hour of excruciating horror…. Who can survive an hour inside the Inn?! Only the strongest… As they’re locked in the dungeon bathrooms for 25 minutes, if they’re still sane by the time we unlock the doors, we make them stay in a room of the hotel and then have a CDC expert on hand... those who didn’t contract an STD, will then run the 4^th floor gauntlet where junkies will try to stab you with hypodermic needles and whores try to bludgeon you to death with the heel of their stilettos while trying to pick pocket you….

Make it through all that and you’re our grand prize weekly winner…. With free admission to USWO, a Petey Wright used pair of ladies jeans, a meal voucher for TA truck centers and a used and sign Chickenhat Cosby sweater….

- ‘ He My Baby Daddy! ‘

A Maury Povich inspired show where underage pregnant ringrats claim which local wrestler impregnated them…. Instead of Maury, the show will be guest hosted by Shane Eden and James Storm on alternating weeks…. Every week a prominent and pregnant Nashville ringrat will claim that some local wrestler knocked her up….. After exclusive DNA evidence is revealed to show who the true father is, more times than not, it will probably one of our two guest hosts….

This show will only be thirty minutes as the following half hour will be filled with a show called

‘ Bandanazzzzzzzzzzzz ‘

It will be a show where Gary Valiant, Jeff Daniels, Chase Stevens and Arrick Andrews design a new bandana each week using arts and crafts, and then you call in, American Idol style, and vote for your favorite each week, with the bandana receiving the most votes being used at a show on the weekend by it’s respective wrestler…. The losers all have to seek out my cousin, and tie their losing bandanas to some appendage of his that is not adorned with them already…. And trust me folks, those areas aren’t very appealing…..

- ‘ Mr. Pastorius’ Neighborhood ‘

Instead of a cardigan sweater, he will be known for wearing douchebag vests and instead of welcoming kids into his neighborhood with a sunny disposition, he’ll instead welcome them to his neighborhood as follows

‘ Welcome the fuck to my goddamn neighborhood!!!!! Oh what a lovely fucking day, won’t you be my goddamn neighbor?! ‘

Hijinks and hilarity ensue each week

Also watch as each week Mr. Pastorius goes back in time with the help of his time traveling postman and share in the adventures of Marcus Pastorius as he crashes some of the biggest events in history and takes credit for and gives himself high fives for said events taking place…

Watch as Washington crosses the Potomac and Pastorius quickly paddles his way in a small fishing schooner, and blares Evanescence from a boombox and shouts from a megaphone ‘ this wouldn’t have been fucking possible without the goddamn help of me, Marcus Pastorius, Master Fucking Boat Maker! ‘

Watch as Martin Luther King delivers his ‘ I have a dream ‘ speech and Pastorius grabs the mic, slams a boombox on the mic stand and blares evanescence as he shouts ‘ I have a dream too!!!! To outdraw TNA in Nashville at the Fairgrounds Sports Arena in 2011…. THE goddamn future, bitches!!! ‘

Watch as Pastorius grabs the mic from Lincoln as he’s delivering the emancipation proclamation, slams his boombox of evanescence on the mic stand and screams into the mic ‘ I wrote this goddamn shit , check out my FUTURE vest bitches!!! '

All this and more on ‘ Mr. Pastorius’ Neighborhood

‘ Can Bert Prentice and Kid Kash Get Your Grandmother ‘

Weird title…. Easy concept…. The show will be devoted to Kid Kash staring at the TV screen and insulting your grandmother with a phone number flashing…. As soon as he antagonizes her to the point where she can’t resist, she will pick up the phone to let him know what a ' low down son of a bitch! ' he is….

But, picking up the phone instead is Bert Prentice, who will then try to sell your grandmother a raffle ticket, with her temper raised to the point of no reasoning…. Can Bert Prentice sell her a raffle ticket for a crushed box containing Scott Norton in his N.W.O. gear after Kid Kash has verbally brutalized her to the point of no return?! Watch as two master craftsmen dual it out…. Kash, the best antagonizing heel…. Prentice, the best raffle ticket seller…. Who will win?! Your grandmother will decide!!!!!

See, SAW….. Much more entertaining options than showing a match from early 2010 that bears no meaning on the current product….

And, I have million more ideas bouncing around in my brain…. All I ask for is executive producer credits…. And, hot vag to pound into oblivion....... Thank me later, SAW….

thebro1869@yahoo.com

Tribute to the Fairgrounds Review

That picture is the perfect encapsulation of the magic of Kid Kash unleashed upon the Fairgrounds Sports Arena, this weekend.... That kid had the wrong finger up on both hands at first, in response to Kash, and his mother grabbed his hands and pulled them down... ' she's gonna smack them! ' I thought.... No... She only did what any reasonable person would do in this situation.... She showed him how to properly shoot the double bird.... #parentalsupervision!




Walking into the fairgrounds, I was greeted with that thick, musty, meaty aroma that I have loved to sniff in the air for years and years at the fairgrounds sports arena…. It was the familiar whiff of rotten asshole , old spice, unkempt and unsanitary vagina and smegma.....

Ah yes, it was good to be back at the Mecca, for a wrestling event…. A place where you don’t know if you’re going to see wrestling or if you’re standing in the middle of a convention of people who somehow escaped a late term abortion misshap….

A place where Chris Hansen could literally fill up three years worth of seasons for ‘ Dateline : To Catch a Predator ‘ …..

And a place where Wrestling should continue to be held at in Nashville….

Nothing beats the charm of the Fairgrounds sports arena…. Sure, we may all develop black lung or lung cancer from the asbestos coating the roof, but would any of us change it?!

No…..

We may all have our DNA permanently altered to where generation after generation of our family bloodlines after this will produce babies wearing gold necklaces, have hair that looks like marine animals should be rescued from, sport back acne that looks like a range of volcanic mountains and have faces that look like they should be contained in some circus owners formaldehyde filled glass jar, but would we change it?!

No…..

What I would change?!

Buying a VIP ticket to the event….

Sure, we got ringside reserved seats, and sure we got to meet the ‘ legends ‘ , but the only legend I wanted to meet – Jerry Lawler – and mainly it was only to get my kids the autograph, left before we even got to his table…. IF he was even there at all before the show….

Once being let into the arena, there was really no direction as to what line we should stand in to get autographs, so I just chose the longest line available and inched my way forward…..

After getting close, I saw that the line would actually take you all the way through a line of legends…. Starting with the biggest one of all * insert eye rolls here * Brian Christopher….

Brian Christopher has always just made me nervous…. Like, being within a 200 foot radius of the man, makes me get the nervous nellies…. He’s so over the top and ridiculous with his erratic hand motions and shouting, that one has to wonder if he was conceived after Jerry Lawler snorted a bag, of what he believed to be cocaine, but in fact was really just laundry detergent, dandruff and parmesan cheese…..

And this night was no different…. Yelling outloud and moving around like he was strapped to some electric body wrap that had some crazed madman shocking him sporadically while he was standing there….

I got to his table and he looked at me and I looked at him, and quickly I diverted my eyes to avoid confrontation…. But, he asked me if I wanted an autograph, I said ‘ no ‘ and it was like I somehow was in a torrid love affair with the guy and I just broke his heart by ending our relationship… He looked truly devastated…. But, why would I want this clowns autograph?! I have serious doubts he could even sign his name…. It would probably look something like this

‘ X ‘

So, anyways, after that, I looked down the legends row and decided to split, because there was no Lawler to be found…..

I’m pretty sure Rocky Johnson was charging for autographs, but don’t quote me on that, but if he was, that was exceptionally bad form, since we paid extra for this and on top of being The Rock’s dad and maybe be mistaken sometimes for the badass dude in ‘ From Dusk to Dawn ‘ , who wants his autograph?!

But, I digress….

We took our seats and awaited the special pre-show matches….

First off, who was the ref for the Tony Falk vs. David Matthews match?! I’ve seen that guy somewhere and I’m pretty sure he used to carry around a replica championship belt to shows, and we all know my stance on grown men carrying around those things…. But, why was he a ref?! He was absolutely atrocious…. He literally looked like the promoters were informed that another ref, who weighed near 400 pounds was no showing, so they went out to the projects 500 feet away, and offered some hustler on the street money to referee a few matches….IN THAT DUDES CLOTHES.... They were all hanging haphazardly off his person looking like some kid getting into his parents closet...

His face, looked like someone set an ape’s ass on fire and put it out with battery acid…. I mean, I know he’s a ref and all, but he really detracted from the match, with his disheveled and unprofessional appearance…. And his goofy grins to the wrestlers, because A. he’s a mark for them or B. There is no B, he’s a mark….

Anyways

We got the Wildboys Vs. Kevin and Cody Weatherby…..

Wildboys won…. It was like a battle for camo pants supremacy…. The Wildboys were wearing regular camo and the Weatherby’s were wearing New Jack – like camo shorts….. IT’S A CAMO PANT BATTLE TO THE DEATHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The wildboys looked like someone came to my family’s Christmas get together, asked two uncles that no one really knows ‘ hey, you wanna wrestle?! ‘ and then put them in the ring…. The only thing ‘ wild ‘ about these * ahem * 40+ year old boys, were their helmettullets….. They won, somehow, don’t really remember…. The Weatherby’s were decent, but looked like the typical juvenile delinquents who have only been fed a sammich and water in prison for some illicit underage behavior, who then get released and want to wrestle…. They could both fit inside their father, TJ, and it would be like some East Nashville German Nesting Doll….

Tony Falk Vs. David Matthews

David Matthews with his best Faron Foxx impersonation, but really, there’s only one Faron Foxx and this guy was decent, but nowhere near as good as the legend…. I don’t know why these two were fighting, but I’m guessing it has to do with Tony being pissed about his gimmick being stolen?! Tony won and hundreds of vaginas lost… drying up quicker than a puddle in the desert when the ref showed his face to the crowd… Good Lord….

Now, onto the main show…. Since, everyone has read the reviews, I’ll just give my likes and dislikes of the show… Everyone knows who won and shit , so we’ll make this pretty simple….

Likes ----

- Kid Kash – It’s hard to not like him, even if you hate him…. During his heel opening where he antagonizes the crowd, I turned to my cousin and said ‘ well, that was worth my 14 dollars alone ‘….

Some of the highlights include the old blue hair in the front row who objected to Kash calling her a ‘ bitch ‘ over and over and decided to try to find her way into the ring, by going to various entry points…. Kash calling a rather obese man out, in front of his wife and kid, which led to the kid shooting the double bird, as pointed out in the picture above…. Kash stealing some 15 year old Future Thug of America’s hat, who then tried to hit him, so Kash took the hat, wiped his ass with it and threw it back to the kid, who did what any of us would do at that moment, and put it back on his head….. WTF?!

The dude gets what it takes to be a true heel, which hasn’t really been seen in that arena since The New South…. And they were a tag team… This is one man, who literally almost enticed a riot ringside with a few fans wanting his blood on their hands….. I don’t think the smile on my face ever left.... It was like being in wrestling heaven watching this shit.... The New South, The ECW Dudleys and Kid Kash…. Those three, in my viewing experience, have been the three that have OWNED the heel personification…..

The match was awesome to boot, which it didn’t even have to be at this point…. Chris Michaels won it, but you had such a good time watching the psychology of a heel and face work a crowd, that it didn’t really matter…. I don’t know whose in charge of hiring at TNA and WWE, but why Kash doesn’t have a roster spot, is really beyond justification….

- Hammerjack vs. Lonestar

This was an awesome match and honestly, if SAW promised I’d get a rematch of this match again, if I were to give up masturbation , beer and tits , I might consider it…..

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding…. I would never give that shit up, but this match was outstanding, and this comes from a guy who has never really liked Lonestar or Cowboy gimmicks in wrestling

- Jesse Fields

The dude ripped me one time for a bad review I wrote on a SAW show, so saying this obviously comes from 100 percent truth, but the guy does add a certain level of authenticity to a match as a ref….

After seeing soooo many guys ref matches in this area who look like they should be on the cover of that mugshot newspaper that are laying out on the counter of Tigermarts in Nashville or refs who faces look like they were strapped to the bottom of shoes which were worn by people walking over landmines or faces that looked they were used as a shield during a meth trailer explosion, it was good to see a guy who looked professional and sold big moves and put over the talent the way a ref is supposed to do….

So, hats off to you, oh bespeckled one…. You did a fine job….

- David Young and Athena and The Maddox Brothers

It was good seeing these two again AND being used together…. Did anyone else get the sense that Athena looked EXACTLY like Baroness from G.I. Joe, with the outfit she wore?!

The only sad thing was Chickenhat was sitting too far away from the ring to see their exchanges…. Call me crazy, but I can detect a little sexually charged tension between the two when they get into their heated shouting matches…. Goodwill Sweaters that smell like mothballs, stonewashed jeans stolen from Zach Morris’ closet and underwear with shit caked in it, can prove to be a powerful attraction elixir to the ladies….

David Young is still a badass …. Butttttttt, hello?! Dextrim?! Hydoxycut?! Brother, could use a bottle or 400….. What’s in that thing that resembles but not really, a stomach?! I always love what they find in sharks stomachs when they catch them and cut them open, and I was thinking about that while watching David Young, if they were to cut him open, what would spill out?!

A few newborn babies?!…. Bert Prentice?! A small Labrador Retriever?! Tires?! A small block engine for a Lincoln Continental?!

Mysteries abound….

The Maddox Brothers were pretty awesome…. They remind me of… Well….. The unfat and undrugged up Hardy Boys…..

- Arrick Andrews and Eric Young

The battle of the men with first names of ‘ Eric ‘ to determine the proper spelling, once and for allllllllllllllllllllll….

Arrick Andrews cut a good heel promo to bring out a jobber who he tossed over, and then asking if that was the best Nashville had to offer, out came Eric Young, who got a pretty massive face pop….

He’s fun to watch and the two put on a good opening match that got the crowd jacked up….

This was like when I call your old ladies and speak in my husky, guttural voice and tell them what I have planned in store for them later….

Dislikes –

- Brian Christopher ….. I’m pretty sure that Lawler had the bible edited to remove the part where one of the plague’s upon Egypt was the birth of Brian Christopher….

How he was EVER as big as he was, is something I need a zombie Robert Stack to host an ‘ Unsolved Mysteries ‘ about….

He should be the poster child for people who want to legalize late term abortions … They could picket outside a courthouse with his picture on a huge posterboard that would simply say ‘ just sayin’….. give it the old think twice ‘ ….

At the end of his match, he pulled a bunch of kids into the ring with him and I was thinking the whole time Chris Hansen was going to do a run in with a couple of chat transcripts, tell Brian Christopher to ‘ have a seat over there for me ‘ ….. And then watch as Christopher bolts from the ring and gets tackled to the ground by 5 police officers while crying and shouting ‘ we wuz jus gone talk! ‘

Meanwhile Mike Porter drives by in a GMC conversion van, sees the ruckus in the ring and squeals out of the parking lot screaming ; get me da fuck away from here! ‘

- The Marcus Pasteurization Promo

I know Marcus has apologized to people for saying what he did and it’s been commented on a few thousand times, but I still didn’t like it and I’m going to write about it….

I don’t have a problem with cussing at wrestling shows…. I think it adds an air of authenticity to the proceedings, but when a promo is being made about Make A Wish kids, and you drop the F bomb and the GD bomb, it’s a little classless…. I mean, Jerry Lewis is batshit crazy and sauced on TV during his telethons and he never drops the bombs this guy was….

But, maybe we’re just all in the dark here…. Maybe, as Doug from The Heel Section suggested, it was some sick kids wish to hear a wrestling promoter say fuck and goddamn in a ring…. I mean, I guess we don’t really know…. Although, I’d try to shoot my sights a little higher with my wish….

My best guess, and I have no information to back this up, so it’s all speculation…. He might have a had a few shots to celebrate the achievement of having a good crowd there and when he hit the ring, old liquid satan took over and spoke for him…. We’ve all been there…. Me, at my high school graduation, getting on stage and apologizing, telling my 6^th grade teacher that I used to masturbate to her in class by taking my arm out of my jacket sleeve and going to town of the beef stick in the back of the class…. It wasn’t my shining moment either…. But, alcohol has a way of bringing out the best in people….

My only suggestion for Marcus Pasteurization the next time he runs a show is to not drop the bombs around sick kids and don’t come out to entrance music from ‘ Daredevil ‘ … I mean, did you see the movie?! Oh, and drop the vest thing…. I seriously think that the vest made people boo…. Noone likes a man wearing a vest…. It makes him look pompous…. It’s why The Miz wears a vest…. Instant Heat….. Vests and Monocles….

- Bill Dundee – He looked like Jack LaLanne’s black sheep, glue sniffing brother…. Lawler had to carry the match, which is something that should never happen….. But then afterwards….. Dundee cut a promo that could make most psychopaths scratch their head and go ‘ dude has issues ‘ …. One minute he’s thinking the fans for coming out, then he turns around and starts going off about how they couldn’t come watch TNA and that’s why they’re gone…. Then, he had the audacity… THE SHEER AUDACITY to sully the good reputable name of my MILF, Dixie Carter…. WTF?! Suggesting that A Jarrett has put the beef between her buns ….. I would literally fight this man after that egregious assault upon the character of such a beautiful lady…..

I think he got Jarrett mixed up with The Bro, easy mistake to make….

Watching Dundee ramble about nonsense on the mic after the match reminded me of this clip from The Tom Green show, years ago….

They would probably understand each other perfectly....

I was waiting for him to start going ‘ I DON’T EAT CHILDREN! ‘

It was just so out there….

- The entrance music is close to being inaudible…. I don’t know if this was because of the speakers or equipment…. But I had to strain my ears like I would trying to hear a cricket fart several times, just to hear the song…. .

Overall though, it was a good show, and definitely worth the 14 bones placed down for a ticket…. Great crowd on hand and like I said, The Kash vs. Michaels match was the absolutely stealer of the show…. I just hope they got rewarded handsomely for that, because that was one of the better matches that this area has seen in quite some time….

Alright….. Here’s the part where we play our little game…. Last time we did this, Nicholas Maglio was the proud winner of a Terry Funk WWE Legends card, which included a more cherishable treasure included with it – a hand written note from The Bro…..

So, who will be the lucky winner this time?!

Whoever leaves a comment at the bottom with the proper definition for the word ‘ smegma ‘ , will win a Kamala ' National Heroes ' WWE card and I will throw in a bonus mystery card as well….

Questions, Comments, Hook Up proposals?! Email me – thebro1869@yahoo.com