The Bro is back! One of the most influential TNA bloggers in the beginning is back. Prepare yourself for the most insane and completely irrelevant wrestling coverage. And, you might wanna keep your old ladies in a cage, because The Bro is notorious! Emails can be sent to - thebro1869@yahoo.com
Earlier, I said Sting hadn’t had a good match since 1994…..
Kevin Nash hasn’t had a good match since…..
Exactly….
The guy can cut promos, I’ll give him that, but a wrestler who can’t wrestle and can only cut a promo, is a 4 corner ring removed from being Vince “ The Sham Wow “ Guy …..
I see now that Nash has gone to new trash bag pants for ring attire…. Well, I guess that’s really cutting out the middle man, because his ring work has always been garbage, maybe he’s finally realizing it.
Once on twitter, Nash broke some big shocking news with a tweet. Someone asked him what he thought of holding the TNA World Title…. He responded with something like “ it’s fake, I’ve had two matches for it in five years. I’d rather hold my ballsack “ …. Now, I know most of you are like “ yeah, the big news is that “ Big Ego “ doesn’t want a world title match for the first time in History “ …. And, I’d agree…. However, the shocking news here to me, is that he has a ballsack, because from his work in matches, I assumed he had a vagina, because most girls work better matches than he does.
I really don’t know why Dixie keeps him on the roster. Do you really think there’s a significant number of people thinking aloud “ I wonder what Kevin Nash is up to these days, gawwwwwwww, I just can’t get enough of Big Sexy “ …. Maybe 5 people…. 2 being family, the other three being overweight girls at laundrymats who wear Looney Tunes airbrushed T Shirts, Sweatpants, permed hair with bangs, who quote “ Rhinestone “ and “ Best Little Whorehouse in Texas “ as their favorite movies….. Because, no one flipping through the channels, who happens to be an old Kevin Nash fan, is going to even notice him anymore…. Dude looks like Father Time.
Or like he saw a Ghost….
Or like he saw God….
Which, would make an awesome storyline…. Or would have…. Just have him come out wearing robes, holding tablets of stone…. That, which are etched the “ Ten Wrestling Commandments “
With the following as the commandments
1.“ Thou Shalt Always Have Kevin Nash As Champion “
2.“ Thou Shalt Pay Me And Exurbanite Amount Of Money For Me To Do The Least Amount Of Work Possible “
3.“ Thou Shalt Have An Asian Seamstress On Hand AT ALL TIMES To Stitch My Hefty Trashbag Pants Together
4.“ Thou Shalt Always Listen To My Expert Wrestling Advice On Which Direction The Company Should Take, Which Inevitably, Will Be Me In All Main Events, Or I Shall Blast You On Twitter “
5. “ Thou Shalt Have A Cloning Machine On Hand, So Another “ Big Sexy “ Can Be Created. Therefore, I Can Always Fight Myself, Thus Assuring Me Of Never Actually Losing
6. “ Thou Shalt Always Have Kevin Nash As Champion
7. “ Thou Shalt Always Employee My Two Good Buddies AT ALL TIMES…. Scott Hall can be paid in bottles of Alcohol. The Kid, can be paid in a garbage bag, NOT THOSE USED TO MAKE MY PANTS!, full of copious amounts of various pills.
8.“ Thou Shalt Make Me Lead Booker Of All Shows.
9.“ Thou Shalt Always Have Kevin Nash As Champion “
10. "Thou Shalt Make All Staffers, When They Lay Eyes Upon Me, Answer Accordingly with “ Kevin Nash “ , When I ask “ Marky Marks against the wall. Who’s the greatest Wrestler of all? “
( as a caveat, I will say I wish Scott Hall the best of luck in his rehab, I hope THIS time he gets himself right, but only time will tell, we’ve been down this road several times )
I just don’t see the financial upside to having someone like Nash, on the roster. Are they really moving that many pairs of “ Big Sexy Trashbag Pants “ on the website? Is their a group of 250,000 wrestling fans that have been living under a rock since 1997, who have now just surfaced and wondering where they can see the next Kevin Nash match?! Is there a group of fetish wrestling fans who are clamoring for a taped match, that they can jerk it to, between Father Time and some studly hardbody? I doubt it. In fact, when I see Kevin Nash on TV, I turn the station, and I know several others that do the same….
And I’d expect that when he fights someone like Jeff Jarrett, everyone turns the channel…. Including, Dixie….
But! I could see some people watching them…..
I could see players from the Pirates and Cubs sitting around going “ geez, these guys suck “ …. The Rams and Browns team owners put on Nash vs. Jarrett matches for moral support…. After they’re done watching their matches, and wiping the blood dripping from their eyes after watching that for longer than a minute, the owners go “ now, go out and get ‘em, because you just saw the worst athletes working today, you guys are awesome compared to them! “ ….. Jeremy Borash watches them and thinks to himself with a smile “ These guys get laid? There’s definite hope for me still! “
And finally…. His finishing move is called “ The Jacknife Powerbomb “ …. Which should be renamed the “ jackoff powerbomb “ …. Because, that’s what he’s been doing in the ring since he first stepped into it….
He’s an absolute waste of money, that needs to go….. Yesteryear…..
Show starts off with a Dixie Carter promo. At this point in time, if Dixie wasn’t so cougar-ey hot my TV goes to another station and never returns…. Thank God, she’s blessed with the genes of angels…. Who are hot….Milfy… and have awesome, angelic bodies, specifically in the tit region …. So she comes out, calls out Flair…. Flair and fortune come out, they get to the ring, and THANK JESUS that Douglas Williams lost the Union Jack Bedazzled Cape and is dressed in a suit…. Flair walks around Dixie, ogling her…. I wish, at this moment in time, that I was one of those psychic remote viewers, who can transport themselves into the body of another to see what they see…. Because, I’d totally use this to my advantage to transport into Flair’s peepers to get an upclose look at Tixie's Ditties , but that would probably end badly, with this commentary by Taz
“ What’s flair doing?! He’s totally playing with his Yambags…. His old man wrinkly, veiny yambags! Yambags! In plain sight! “
….. She tells Flair she’s suspending him, but not Fortune, for all their actions the last few weeks…. Which makes absolutely no sense…. Which, in TNA’s case, makes perfect fucking sense…. Why suspend just one guy?! What does that accomplish? Does she really believe the rest of the guys in Fortune would get this news, shrug their shoulders and go “ oh well, this two week ride has been fun… “, and then do everything Dixie tells them to do? PLEASE…. Complete idiocy….
Flair started to human combust after being told what to do from a female, and I don’t blame him…. So he starts to berate Dixie and looks like he’s about to assault her when….. Frankie Kazarian's dad hits the ring….. Oh wait, that’s Serj BLAHBLIDDYBLAH….. Dixie’s husband…. Flair and Fortune beat him down…. And, on second thought, that remote viewing thing, I’m changing my pick, totally going for that dudes peepers at night in their bedroom….
Although, I’d still have the Taz commentary fantasy angle “ Serj is giving her da bidness, Tenay…. Da Bidness! ….. Tenay?! Wait, where am I’s ? “
As soon as they start beating Serj BLAHBLIDDYBLAH, Team Hogan comes out…. And Hogan and Flair stare at each other….
EGO EYE LASERS COMMENCE IN……
3……..2………..1……….
Hogan raises a sword towards the heavens and lightning strikes it as he says “ I HAVE THE POWER! “ …..
Actually that didn’t happen, but that would have been fucking epic, especially if he had a tiger with him…. Booooomb!
He does say he has partial power…. Yeah, I don’t see He-Man being believable if he raises the sword towards the Heavens, outside Castle Greyskull and utters “ I HAVE THE…….. POWER OF HALF! “ …. And then instead of lightning, maybe one singular piece of hail falls and hits the sword….
So, after he states he has partial power…. He reinstates Flair…. Which makes the whole promo useless and the whole ten minute segment pointless….
EV2.0 comes after fortune…. They brawl…..
The one thing that I came away with after this segment was the Fortune members holding up their new hand sign…. Which….. Sucks….
They hold it up and fingers go all over the place, criss crossing, it looks horrible…. It looks like someone asked a retard … “ how old are you? “ …. And they thrust up their hand all violently and fingers go all over the place and your left judging the specific number they meant after the many combinations their jumbled fingers just displayed….
Just quit it already, TNA…. Stop with the Horsemen stuff…. Form a fresh faction…. There’s no need to do everything the Horsemen did, except for calling themselves The Horsemen….
Next….
Samoa Joe vs. Orlando Jordan
And this is another problem I have with TNA….. Who the fuck designed these cracker jack Action Figures?! Orlando Jordan comes to the ring wearing a Samoa Joe action figure on a necklace around his neck….
I’ve seen this action figure several times at stores and it looks absolutely nothing like Joe…. Besides his girth, there’s nothing there, without the packaging, that would make you go “ That’s Samoa Joe “ …. Nothing…. And, the Kurt Angle one? “ …. PLEASE…. I saw this at the store once and I thought to myself…. Did someone take a picture of my dad and send it to the people who make TNA action figures and told them that my dad was Kurt Angle?!.... Kurt Angle looks like a skinny, balding 50 year old man…. It’s horrible….. I bought the figure anyway and painted some jorts on it, and gave it to my dad with “ ROY “ , written on the leg and told him it was his own personal action figure…. He was appreciative…. I couldn’t find little action figure crocs or a beer can to make it authentic, but it was close enough to my dad to be passable….
Anyways, off my soap box, back to the match….
It was good, nothing great…. Samoa Joe won with this finisher that looks painful, and I guess that’s the point…. It’s called a Muscle Buster, which is eerily similar to what Dixie calls the handjob she gives me, only substitute “ muscle “ for “ nut “ ….
At the end of the match I thought to myself…. “ Man…. Samoa Joe, please go to WWE…. The matches he could have with Daniel Bryan would be epic…. “
And then the “ obvious thought police “ pulled me over for committing a Class B penalty….
During this time, some redneck dude in a cape with a feathered mullet came to the ring, he looked vaguely familiar…. I thought security was going to be called on this redneck who obviously had jumped the barrier and wanted to get in the ring…. But alas, he revealed himself to be Jeff Jarrett….
He asked Samoa Joe if he liked his cape and feathered mullet…. No, he didn’t…. He basically came out and rambled, and the whole time I could see in Joe’s eyes, the thought of “ if I don’t get out of here quick, the wrestling gods will come from the heavens and consume my eternal wrestling soul for being in the ring with such a glorified jobber….. with a mullet and cape on, nonetheless “ …. Jarrett tried to recruit Joe to his “ team “ …. Which should have been more aptly named “ a duo “ …. Since, it would have only been him and joe…. Joe, wisely declined….
Then, as if things couldn’t get any weirder than a redneck with a feathered mullet, wearing a cape in the ring… A Homeless Dude comes out wearing trash bag pants and a tank top that says “ Big Sexy “ …. This has become like a bad episode of “ Wrestling Twilight Zone “ …..
They wrestled…. And I use that term very, very loosely….
Hey, TNA fans…. Why not start the “ THIS IS HORRIBLE “ chant for this?!
Oh, that’s right, you’ve all gone to the bathroom or fallen asleep….
This match got a crowd reaction like a superstars taping of Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim…. And even that, probably got a bigger pop….
The fans were loud one minute before these two dudes come out, then it was as if, someone put a big paid of “ Bose Noise Reducing Headphones “ over everyone’s ears…. It was silent…. Match was horrible…. I don’t think the homeless dude in garbage bag pants has ever changed his match routine since 1996…. It’s the same move set…. It’s like someone had one of those magical time freezing wands, where everything freezes except you.... And they had it back in 1996…. And they were at a “ IN YOUR HOUSE “ , WWF PPV, Diesel vs. Duke The Dumpster...... used the wand and fell asleep for 14 years… Woke up, and went “ oh shit!! “ …. Waved the magic wand and Viola! Tna Impact match – Jeff Jarret vs. Kevin Nash….
Match was so horrible I turned to watch Football…. I read somewhere Nash won because Sting came out with his baseball bat and took out Jarrett… So, I guess Nash won….
Big Loser? Everyone with eyes and a deep appreciation for wrestling….
Bischoff comes out, cuts a horrible promo. He stumbled on his lines…. Asks Sting what he wants…. “ I want to be taken out of The Bro’s Top Ten Leeches List! “ …. No, he didn’t say that….
Sting, said he wanted a big juicy penis , no, he didn’t say that either, but weirdly a HUGE DICK showed up in the ring and laid him out with a chair……
Hogan…. Ugh….
Weakest/Chairshot/Ever ….
Somewhere, Stephen Hawking was watching this and typing out on his computer talking thing …. “ I…Could….Do….Better…..THAN…..THAT……ASSHOLE LOLZOMG! “
Beer Money vs. FBI ….. Match was good, if you enjoy squashes…. I don’t think Mamaluke or Guido got in any offensive…. ANY….. Beer Money won…. Guido got the beer bottle to the head from Storm…. Nothing here that awesome…. In the annals of wrestling history, this will be remembered as…. A match that took place sometime on a TNA impact….
What else happened?!
Hmmmm…..
Oh yeah…. Some girl who looked like Angelina Love came out with Velvet Skye…. But, for some reason, Taz kept calling her “ ANGELEENER “ … I attribute this to bizzarro world, TNA style….. Like bizzarro Superman does everything backwards, compared to Superman…. Well, ANGELEENER “ does everything opposite from “ Angelina “ …. Including being friends with Velvet again and eating, AT LEAST, one cracker, per day, compared to Angelina’s food intake of…. Well, nothing…..
One time a friend asked me “ could you imagine fucking her?! “ …. I said yeah…. All you have to do is go to any high school biology class, grab the skeleton hanging in the corner and dry hump it’s non existent brains out…. The girl needs a sammich…. I like my girls with curves….
HELLO?! Velvet and your boob mole, you’re looking especially lovely tonight…. Remember that SONG I wrote for you?! Yessssssss…..
Oh right…. Ummmmmm, Madison Rayne comes out with her motorcycle protector woman thing…. They get in the ring and for some reason the Motorcycle protector girl thing, removes her helmet revealing her wearing a scuba mask and her eyes have black ash on them, like she was looking into a car exhaust when someone started it and it backfired in her face…. I really don’t understand the logic or the reason behind all this….
And I giggle thinking to myself - I wonder what someone would think just flipping through the channels and they have no wrestling knowledge at all, and then their remote breaks on Spike, and they’re stuck watching it…. How long do you think it takes for them to go completely insane?! 10, 15 minutes tops?! ….
Because, in the last ten minutes, you’ve had a redneck guy with a feathered mullet, wearing a cape... fight, what appears to be a homeless vet, in trash bag pants with a tank top that says “ big sexy “ – talk about your all time false advertisements - .... then you have a girl come to the ring with another girl wearing a scuba suit with a helmet, only to pull the helmet off to reveal exhaust pipe ash stuck to her face…. WTF?! I just literally went insane typing that!
Anyways, catfight, lots of “ bitch “ and “ whore “ yelled at one another…. Velvet and Madison looked hot…. “ ANGELEENER “ looked like Laurie Metcalfe, from ‘Roseanne’ fame, should have been out next to her giving her speech “ ANGELEENER eats nothing all day and is forced to wrestle for little or nothing… she’s famished…. Your 35 cents a day can go a long way to put a smile on her face and some food in her stomach “ ….
Motor City Machine Guns beat Generation MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Good match actually…. Nothing really negative to complain about, besides the generic-ness that is Generation MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…..
Desmond Wolfe is a stud…. How this guy isn’t in the main event picture, is absolutely beyond me…. And yes, I type this partly because I love looking at Chelsea…. But, come on, the guy is Next Level….. He beats Stevie Richards…. Which, I’ve often wondered how many people look at a wrestling card, with no advanced knowledge and go “ Stevie Richards…. Wasn’t he that kid ( insert some weird accident that befell some nondescript kid they knew in high school ) ….. “
I don’t know, Desmond Wolfe is awesome, he beat Stevie Richards, which is a foregone conclusion as soon as the name “ Stevie Richards “ is announced….
Oh Chelsea…. Sweet, Sweet Chelsea, with your pursed lips…. How, I love thee so….
Rhino and Abyss brawled and no one really cared…. Rhino’s gore looked almost as weak as Edge’s…. In fact, I think they should have a “ gore-off “ someday where someone holds a ream of notebook paper and see who can gore it and cut through the most notebook papers with one try…. I’m betting Edge wins it…. 10 pages to 8…..
Main Event – Angle, Anderson, Hardy & The Pope Vs. Styles, Kazarian, Morgan & Williams …. Decent match, the ending was pretty cool…. Angle hit the angle slam, but Pope covered for the win…. This made Angle mad... they shoved….. Anderson and Hardy tried to calm it down…. This made me sick…. Why is Anderson being wasted as a babyface?! The True Anderson, the one I knew and loved, would have been egging them on and enticing them to fight…. Not trying to separate them….
EV2.0 comes out and look! They have new shirts…. And they’re horrible…. They attack fortune…. Cut to black….
Pretty average show… And by Average, I mean Average by TNA standards…. This was nothing great…. The whole time I’m watching this Impact , I’m thinking to myself, They should really just remove the commentators…. And have this song playing throughout the course of the show….
In the following weeks, I will highlight the top ten TNA leeches.... What is a TNA leech? At first it sounds horrible.... " A leech that lives on tits and ass? " .... And it is horrible, just not THAT horrible.... These are the people that are sucking the living cash out of TNA.... I will start with my number 10 and work my way up to 1....
Enjoy....
10. Sting – This is not a stretch, but I could probably take a huge steamer in the middle of the ring, attach two paralyzed legs to it and somehow it would manage a way to work circles around Sting in the wrestling ring….
Remember when he used to be decent?
Yeah, me neither….
Actually, yes I do! It was around the time ‘ The Crow ‘ was popular…. The year…. 1994…. Which coincidentally, was around the last time he stepped foot in a gym.
Wrestling with a T-Shirt on? Everyone knows that’s the equivalent to the fat guy in the pool who wears a T-Shirt to cover up his massive man-mammaries….
Everytime this guy screams out “ It’s Showtime! “ , I emphatically call out “ When, exactly?! “ …. I get no response…. And that’s fallen on deaf ears since 1998….
I had this dream once where Dixie Carter hopped in her ‘ Mystical Time Traveling, Wrestling Magic Capturing ‘ DeLorean with Sting and went back to that fateful day on the set of ‘ The Crow ‘ where Brandon Lee was fatally wounded and switched Sting in place of Brandon Lee, and Dixie and Brandon Lee drove off high fiving each other….
I lied, I never dreamed that, that’s my fantasy….
I jest, I jest….
Kinda…
I remember being a fat little kid and being under the Sting spell…. I used to paint my face and I cried many a time when The Great Muta beat him…. Now, when I see Sting wrestling on TV, I actually yearn and wish upon a falling star that The Great Muta was in my living room and spit the dye in my eyes, blinding me from watching this horrific display of non wrestling ability….
And that ring attire…. Oh, the ring attire…. It’s been the same since 1997…. Someone once said to me during a PPV
“ I like Sting’s look, always have “ ….
After resisting the urge to punch him in the face, I quickly retorted
‘ His look? His look? You remember that pod in the Jeff Goldblum version of the ‘ The Fly ‘ ? Ok, so imagine that’s the pod and some hobo walked in it and took a steaming shit, then a scorpion crawled in the pod and someone decided to toss some baseball catcher pads in it, and then someone shut the door…. When the door opened… After the metamorphosis, you’d have Sting…. A big piece of smelly shit in scorpion embossed ring attire adorned with catcher pads….. “
And Mike Tenay….. You should be ashamed…. EVERY SINGLE TIME that Sting does not appear in the ring when his entrance music hits, you quickly start wondering aloud “ where could he be? “ …. “ where is Sting? “ ….
Oh, I don’t know… Call me crazy, but he’s probably in the one place where he’s been for the past 10 years, for two different companies…..
IN THE FUCKING RAFTERS!!!!!!!
Which is laughable AND ridiculous in the first place, and always has been…. When the fuck have you ever seen a scorpion in the rafters of anyplace? He’s a scorpion, not a bat or a hoot owl!
He needs to retire and quick sucking TNA dry…. I have the perfect job for him too, to sit back and enjoy his retirement…. He can go to work in the marketing department of the United States Postal Service…. He can do a whole line of commercials…. That go something like this……
"Cut to a scene of Sting, in full wrestling attire, standing outside a Post Office “
“ Hi there, I’m Steve Borden, better known to many as Sting, the professional wrestler and demon slayer for Christ! “
“ You’re probably asking yourself…. “ when did I get so fat? “ …. Long story….. You’re also probably asking yourself “ Why is Sting standing outside a Post Office for? And not in front of a Ryan’s or Golden Corral drooling from the mouth with a wild eyed look of utter frenzy plastered upon his painted face? “ …..
I get it, I’ve gotten fat, ok….OK?! “
“ Anyways, I’m here to remind you guys to do what I’ve been doing the past ten years of my wrestling career….. MAILING IT IN …. Use the Postal Service to send all your packages and letters…. and remember…. When Sting wants to MAIL IT IN, outside the wrestling ring, he always uses the United States Postal Service….. “
-cut to black screen with the USPS logo on it, and suddenly you still hear audio…. “ can someone please tell me where the fuck a sizzler is around this piece?! “ as the phrase “ MAIL IT IN “ is flashed just under the logo…..
The obligatory Lacey Von Erich pic.... Made to make this blog better than it actually is and make you forget about the shittyness of the post, ha.....
This part one, of a two part presentation on how I would make TNA better....
1.Get out of Orlando – It’s become stale. And that sentence could have been said in 2007 as well, that’s how stale it’s become. Any longtime wrestling fan who watches TNA on Thursday nights will instantly be reminded of WCW Saturday night…. And who can forget the classic matches that were held on that show?! You know, main events, that broke all sorts of ticket numbers, like Glacier vs. Big Boss Man and Ernest Miller vs. Scott Norton…. And, I’ve railed on the crowd for too long, so I won’t bring it up again, but that crowd is just a journey into the Twilight Zone. Every show it’s the same people on camera, with the same chants…. If they ever had a “ Groundhog Day 2 “ , it would have to be Bill Murray stuck at a TNA event in Orlando…. And who the fuck picks these people in the front row? It had to be the casting director for one of the greatest Horror movies of all time , “ Return of The Living Dead “ …. Seriously, remember the group of friends? These guys?
You can pretty much see their doppelgangers every week on TNA… There’ll be some douche with a Mohawk or dressed in some stupid punk attire to make him seem edgy and unique, when really it’s just some rich kid rebelling against his parents, by going to Hot Topic and listening to “ Minor Threat “ …. Then there’s some cute, preppy chick coupled with some asshole who uses some kind of prop for an attention getting device, much like the boombox dude... It's ridic....
I don’t know what the cost is to have a show each week, in a different city, but I have to think that if you cut the dead weight that’s leaching money from the company, by being on the payroll and their biggest contribution is depleting the Kraft Services truck, then you could probably change locations each week.Plus, and this is just a personal thing, but when I see wrestling done on a sound stage, it just goes ahead and pulls the curtain completely back on the company, exposing it in all 100 percent fakeness…. Holding it in an arena or auditorium, gives it some level of being considered legit.
2.Stop the WWE references – And if I was Dixie, I’d probably put a cease and desist order on Bischoff myself to keep him from talking about them. I know Mick Foley harped on this in a blog on TNA, and I love Foley, but I have to disagree with him…. Making WWE comments, when you’re TNA, does makes you look minor league and pathetic. Foley said that WCW and ECW both did it in their heyday and was never called “ minor league “ or “ pathetic “ and that they did just fine with those references…. There’s a HUGE difference between those companies and TNA.
WCW could compete and was competing at the same time, on the same level with WWE, TNA in all truthfulness, probably never will be able to do it…. ECW was growing by leaps and bounds, gaining fans every month with it’s product, TNA has held steady in the “ quantum leap “ and “ evening shade “ syndication ranking level…. And they have for quite awhile…. Plus, it’s just bad business to constantly remind your viewers “ hey, I know you’re watching us, but there’s another wrestling show that trumps us in all aspects of wrestling entertainment that we’re going to make comments about to remind you they exist, and regular double and triple our ratings if you don’t already know, so don’t, please don’t go watch that superior product to ours “ ….
3.Focus on Tag Team Wrestling – I know this sounds ridiculous, but the one thing TNA has always been good at, was Tag Team Wrestling. From the early days at the Asylum, to now, it’s always been their strong point, in my opinion…. And, it’s frankly, something they do better than WWE in, by leaps and bounds, so why not focus on the one area you’re extremely better at than your competition and make it your focal point….
The WWE hasn’t had a tag match like, any of the five, that The Motor City Machineguns and Beer Money put on, in YEARS, and they don’t seem interested in trying to, so why not give people the alternative to watch your program and go “ wow, they get what tag team wrestling is all about “ …. Because, there are a large group of people that still like tag team wrestling out their in the wrestling community. I’m not saying you’re gonna blow the roof off ratings with this, but it’s a step in the right direction…. And yes, my fingers actually locked up on me and refused to type for around 15 minutes, realizing I was writing something positive about James Storm, but..... I calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em….
4.Get rid of Hogan and Bischoff – This experiment has failed…. It was a failure from the start…. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, TNA is investing in stocks with no return and are losing money…. Somewhere, Bernie Madoff is clapping and admiring Easy E and Hollywood going “ well played guys…. well played “ …. And, I have no real vendetta against either one of these guys, besides Bischoff’s incoherent and laughable diatribes on the internet wrestling community, but you’ve got to let them go, use the money you would be paying them to invest in your company, and before you read that Dixie and start scouring the “ WWE recently released wrestlers “ list, I’m not talking about investing in more talent. That’s a HUGE problem in and of itself.
Look, Hogan and Bischoff were HUGE in the late 90’s… But so were Limp Bizkit and Dial Up Internet Service Providers like AOL…. And they both have something in common…. They’re all relics…. Just like people will sometimes reminisce about the soothing and sweet noise of a dial up modem connecting to the internet and the calming tunes of Limp Bizkit, people will have fond memories of Hogan and Bischoff, but they’re not paying to see them anymore, just like no one is requesting to go back to dial up internet service or clamoring and camping out to buy the new Limp Bizkit CD ( except for me, I will be there, doing it all for the nookie, still haha )….
And, this is not me just railing on them, because I want them gone, for my own personal pleasure, this is just fact. Ratings have gone nowhere since they came in…. Sure, they had a little spike at the beginning, but that was for sheer novelty reasons…. People just don’t care about these two anymore, and it’s just the way it goes with time…. The well has dried up, the milk has soured….. It’s time for them to be put on the “ TV Entertainment “ shelf next to “ TRL with Carson Daly “ and “ The Tom Green Show “ …..
And anytime “ Bischoff/Hervey “ get involved with producing something, it’s usually like the banshee wail heard over an Irish moor signaling a death soon to come…. Anytime I hear about these guys coming up with a new show, I just sit back and scoff, thinking to myself “ did these guys use Dixie Carter Mystical Time Traveling, Magic Capturing Wrestling Delorean “ to go somewhere in the future and get a list of the worst television shows ever made and decide to test the validity of said book, by producing every title covered in those 535 pages?! “ …. Seriously
5.Get better entrance music – This has been and will forever be my biggest pet peeve of TNA…. I’ve heard better songs from The Rockafire Explosion band at Showbiz pizza, back in the day…. You know how elevator music is just the instrumental version of adult contemporary hits that some artist made to sound similar, but not entirely too much, like the original? That’s what TNA entrance themes are. Just generic wrestling intro elevator music made to sound like it should be played on an 8 bit NES wrestling game hooked up to a knob controlled 10 inch color TV with factory speakers set at manufactured preferred settings…. It’s pathetic, and again, Bernie Madoff sits back and admires the guy who continually puts together TNA entrance themes and gets paid to do it, and quickly reaches for a TNA application himself…..
“ Dixie! Hey sweetheart, come here and have a seat next to The Bro, we need to have a chat… “ I say as I brush the dust off the seat next to me and gently pat it with my hand in a “ please sit “ fashion….
“ Bro, I don’t think so, I have a restraining order against you and frankly I’ve read those blogs and…. I’d probably violate my own order because sweet jumping baby jesus, you’re sexy! “ She says and she bites nervously on her fingertips and bats her eyelashes in a provocative and playful manner….
“ Dixie, my dear…. The Bro wants to have a serious conversation with you, please indulge me and have a seat…. “ I say as I look at her matter of factly so she understands my seriousness….
“ Ok…. But just remember, I’m not to be held liable if I start dry humping any part of your anatomy…. “ She says as she comes close to sit
“ Will Do! “ I say as I smile warmly….
She sits down next to me…. And two little angels appear above her head, playing harps and singing a joyous hymn as a ray of sunshine beams from out of the clouds onto our little bench…. They vanish soon after as the conversation begins….
“ Dixie, first let me say you’re looking mighty sexy today…. “
“ Thank you Bro, but I thought you wanted to have a serious conversation “ She says
“ I do! “ I say quickly
“ Well then, why did you quickly shove your hand under my ass right before I sat down “ she says as I look down and notice that I did indeed slid my hand underneath her ass as she sat down….
I sheepishly grin and pull my hand away
“ It was my tourette’s acting up, total mistake! “ I say as I immediately pull my fingers to my nose and start sniffing like a dog sniffing his food….
She slaps me on the shoulder and yells out “ you’re disgusting! “
“ you’re right “ I agree…. Then stop sniffing…. Turn my attention to her again and start to get into the subject at hand
“ Dixie…. There’s a problem I’ve noticed and a solution I can help you with “ I say seriously
“ I’m listening “ she replies with an open and gentle face
“ you see…. Your problem is the fact you’re stuck in a “ going nowhere “ relationship and you know this…. You don’t want to face it, but deep down in your heart, right behind those perfect soccer mom breasts, you know there’s a huge problem…. “
“ I don’t understand…. I’m happily married and when I want you I just close my eyes and pretend you're my husband “ She says, as I interrupt
“ Shhhhhh, Shhhh, just listen “ I say as I put my finger to her lips to silence her….
“ this relationship that is going nowhere has nothing to do with a romantic relationship…. I’m talking about a business relationship…. The relationship you have with Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan and several other talents from the 80’s and 90’s…. “ I say as I notice I’m slowly inserting my finger in and out of her mouth in a very suggestive manner....
I shake my head and apologize “ sorry, gotta control those moments, because this is a serious conversation “
She nods as I continue….
“ the relationship is going absolutely nowhere…. Your ratings are holding steady with just a slight increase with the entrance of the ECW guys, and honestly, if you want truths and facts, Eric Bischoff is humiliating your company with his antics and considering more than 60 percent of your audience are the exact people he lambastes weekly on his facebook and blog, I’m surprised and shocked that you still have that large of an audience “
“ What do you mean ? “ She asks quizzically as she shakes her head in a non-understanding fashion as stars and gold dust float down from her heavenly follicles….
“ Look, when you brought in Hogan and Bischoff, you expected I’m sure, for ratings to increase exponentially, correct? “ I ask
“ Yes “ she says … “ that was why we chose to invest with them in the company “ …. She says
“ Correct and since they have been there…. What has happened? The ratings have stalled…. They’ve been consistently hovering around a .90 to 1.10 with a few anomalies along the way, but those are the norm…. And look at how much money you’re investing into them…. They said they would take you to Monday nights and compete with the WWE…. And look what happened… That venture ended about as quickly as the virginity of a 15 year old ringrat in the presence of James Storm…. It was a failure…. You’re investing money into a failing proposition… There’s no denying the fact that Bischoff and Hogan are legends in this industry and deserve their rightful place in the lore of this grand sport…. But being let loose to run this company that you own and exert their will and influence upon it, is just a stock heading straight down, and there’s no end in sight…. The American wrestling watching public does not want to see them anymore. As a whole, they don’t want to see Sting or Jeff Jarrett, they’re not interested in Kevin Nash anymore, unless it’s behind the booth at a convention signing autographs… Don’t believe me? Numbers don’t lie…. Nothing has changed from the moment you guys hired them…. NOTHING…. And a case could be made, and probably made very well, that the shows have actually gotten worse since their arrival…. “
I take a deep breath and collect my thoughts…. She has tears in her eyes….
“ Look, I don’t want you to cry…. “ I say as she interrupts
“ I’M NOT CRYING BECAUSE YOU’RE HURTING MY FEELINGS! I’m crying because what you said was correct…. But what do you expect me to do? Leave them? Let them go? Throw away all this money that I have invested and just act like this never happened? You know what the buyout clause is on those contracts? And why are you sniffing my underarms!? “ She says as she pushes my head away….
“ mmmm peanut butter….. just like I suspected! “ I say with my finger in the air….
I quickly gather my thoughts with a retort….
“ Yes….let them go… pay their buyouts on the contracts, if that’s what it takes, but a failing investment, is a failing investment…. Have you ever seen a colossal trainwreck?! Bloody bodies lying amid torn pieces of metal and steel…. A coroner puking his guts up overlooking the carnage… Total mayhem and destruction…. You ever seen that? “ I ask….
“ No… sounds horrible though “ she says as she shudders….
“ Well you’re about too, because that’s what is going to happen to TNA if you continue to rely on these guys to “ help “ you with your company…. But, if you want quick, first hand accounts, just pick up a phone and call Ted Turner and ask how he liked seeing the company he presided over for most of its time being ran completely into an oncoming train…. “ I tell her….
“ you know what one the definitions of insanity is? It’s the process of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome…. Which is what is happening with the Hogan/Bischoff experiment…. How many companies will they ruin and take to the depths of the ratings? Will your company be one of them? Will you let it be one of them? “ I ask concerned….
She shakes her head as little fireworks shoot from her golden mane and a unicorn peaks his head from out of a curl….
“ Then let them go…. Bischoff is an embarrassment who ridicules and chastises your core audience, the internet, with such disdain and vitriol, because he sees the writing on the wall, but wants to quickly paint over it before you see it…. Their time is over…. They know it, the majority of the wrestling world knows it…. And deep down, beneath those luscious milfy breasts, in your heart, you know it…. Let them go…. “
“ Let’s say I let them go…. What was the solution you’re talking about? “ she asks
“ Ah, glad we got to this point…. My solution is simple and it’s one, I’ve heard you’ve given a lot of consideration too, but I think you just need to open up the door fully, invite him in, give him access to the kitchen and the pantry…. And let him run your company, your house, the way he sees fit…. “ I say
“ You’re talking about Paul Heyman right? “ she asks
“ Correct you are, madame “ I say as I pull a life size picture of Paul Heyman out from behind our bench and place it in front of you….. “ I’m talking about this man right here! “ I say beaming proudly….
“ It’s a little disconcerting that you have a lifesize picture of Paul Heyman at your disposal, but whats even more troubling is the fact you just got a boner when you pulled that out….
I look down and quickly put my hands over my lap and turn red with embarrassment and ask sheepishly “ you wanna take care of that for me?! Hmmmm “ as I bat my eyes ….
“ later, maybe…. But for now, continue “ she says as she waves me on
“ Mae Young cracking lobster tails in the nude as the juice from the lobster tails cascade down her old, wrinkly, saggy, boobs.... "
“ what?! “ she asks with a disgusted look on her face
“ oh sorry, I was just thinking of something to get my boner to go down…. And look it worked! “ I say as I jump up and point to my crotch “
I clear my throat as she nods unenthusiastically
“ Look, this guy gets it. He’s always gotten it…. He knows what it takes to make a company thrive. He’s forward thinking…. He’s “ Avatar “ and you guys have been “ Back to the Future “ …. The reason his company failed in the past was because he tried to do everything by himself and he was terrible at the financial end of things…. Two things, you can help him with…. You give him full control of the day to day “ wrestling “ side of your company and you take care of the day to day “ business “ side of your company…. If money is a problem, well that’s easy… you go through your roster, immediately cut the dead weight, which you have more of than Simon Diamonds waistline, and lets face it he’s going to cut these same guys anyways and put that money, coupled with the money you save from NOT paying those two catheter bags and put it all in a Brinks truck, drive it up to his front yard and leave it there with a “ Welcome to TNA, I’m Begging You “ sign….. “
“ It all sounds so easy…. You know, like me after two glasses of wine “ She says and winks
“ That’s because it is “ I say as I sip from my wine glass and hand her the other….
“ where did you get that? You haven’t even moved from this bench?! “ She asks and laughs then declines my offer….
“ Look, Dixie…. What have you got to lose? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING…. Your ratings are beyond pathetic, they have been…. No one of importance is going to stop watching your show if Hogan and Bischoff are not there, because quite frankly, no one cares in the grand scheme of things…. When was the last time they even did something meaningful or impactful on TV? Hogan acting like he loved ECW? PUHLEASE, was that a comedy act? …. Bischoff coupling himself up with Miss Tessmacher, for a reason we all know * cough * pervert * cough * “ …..
“ LIKE YOU’RE NOT! “ she interrupts…..
“ Eh, I like to consider myself a salacious rapscallion…. “ I say with my chin in the air, feigning dignity….
“ HA ! “
“ To finish my point…. You’re not going to lose any viewers, and chances are, you will gain them when they hear this news, because like him or hate him, people know that Heyman has a brain that was built for wrestling…. He will scour your roster and find the gems that are hidden, the future superstar who is languishing in the shadows of some geriatric has been…. He’s made stars out of stardust…. He’s taken shows that were unwatchable and made them entertaining…. He’s what I call a wrestling flipper…. He comes in, looks at the disastrous shape your wrestling company is in, and uses his expertise to flip it and make it entertaining again…. He will take what you have and make it more compelling, more enjoyable and more profitable…. And he’ll do all this without you having to add every useless castoff from Connecticut…. He’ll do this without having to hop in the DeLorean with a Mason Jar and trying to capture some lost magic from 1999 in it like some lightning bug… He’s the answer…. You know what has to be done, so do it…. “ I say as I pat the lifesize picture in front of us….
“ and what do you want out of all of this ? “ she asks….
“ two things…. “ I say
“ I’m listening “
“ first…. I want the ability to have you, at the whim and fancy of myself, available for handjobs at any time…. I say this, because I respect marriage and this is not cheating! If you want to wear gloves, so you don’t feel AS BAD and dirty, well I’m sure we can negotiate “
“ oh boi “ she says and rolls her eyes
“ oh boi is right! Secondly…. I’d like to ask that you keep Vince Russo on the payroll still and buy a leather recliner and place it on a gold throme right behind Mike Tenay and Taz and have him sit there, every show, eating cheetos and drinking beer.... And everytime Tenay and Taz says something stupid Russo just tosses cheetos at their heads and throws his empty beer cans at them too “
“ that would probably be a lot of cheetos and beer, considering they say a lot of stupid and over dramatic things “ she replies
“ that’s the point… maybe they’ll stop after awhile…. And this also ensures that my idol in wrestling, still makes money and does nothing but eat cheetos, drink beer and berate Mike Tenay and the yambagger…. “ I say smiling
“ So…. Simple as that…. handjobbies and Vince Russo earning money for not doing anything, all because you idolize him? “
“ that’s pretty much it “ I say as I twirl the wine around in my wine glass in front of her, raising my eyebrows up and down in a tempting manner
9. Kevin Nash 
