NWA Main Event Grand Opening Celebration

DEATHSTAR GRANNY HAIR!!!! I had to fight the tractor beam from pulling me in all night.. She was a sweet old granny though



The Blackhole Of Awesomeness Was Formed When These Two Entities Came Together on this magic night....



You know that feeling of Deja Vu that you sometimes get, when you're walking somewhere and that overwhelming sense of familiarity hits and you know you've been here before, but you just can't identify the whens and the wheres?!

yeah, that was my feeling last night, when I attended the big NWA Main Event Grand Opening Celebration.... I had been to this kind of show before, somewhere, someplace.... And then it hit me.... This show felt just like a show at the fairgrounds run by Prentice in the late 90's to early 2000's.... It was like they lifted the motif and trashy charm of the fairgrounds and lifted it into a gym on church property.... It had everything you'd expect of a Prentice-ran fairgrounds show..... The only thing missing?! The overwhelming smell of unkempt assholes.... But, give it a few months, and I'm sure that smell of dingleberries crusted to the inside of a shit caked pair of underwear will permeate the place and it'll be JUST LIKE Music City Wrestling..... We had Bert Raffles, Merch Tables with out of date wrestling memorabilia sprinkled amongst DVD's with titles like ' Harold Reynolds Teaches you Baseball Basics ' and ' Equine Extravaganza ' .... We had Bert wearing his familiar Dom Deluise hat, Bonnie Baldwin ( something I will rant on later ) , Rudy Charles , The FUCKING Colorado Kid! , A recliner for sale - I SHIT YOU NOT , ChickenHat, Lucky Numbered Programs and enough airbrushed tshirts in attendance to make R-Truth and Gary Valiant weep tears of jealousy.....

It felt like the old days and that was pretty amazing.... You know, in that trashy way where you sit around and go ' if a flea market and a wrestling show had a baby, what would it look like?! ' and some crazy scientist was like ' I can make that happen! ' - last night's show would have been the offspring....

I do have to compliment the promotion for having the nicest ring out of all the independent promotions around this area. It was tight, raised to a proper level and didn't have really any visible patches.... To me, this stuff is important.... To others, maybe not...

BTW, why does every concession stand in the middle tennessee area, when it comes to Independent Wrestling, serve pickles?! I mean, I like pickles on my hamburgers and hotdogs, but they sell these sumbitches that look like giant green penis .... Just big, thick, long and green.... Not only that, but the logistics of eating a huge pickle at a wrestling show, just doesn't seem to work for me.... I mean, you have to hold it, while you're eating it, while pickle juice drips all over your hands and face, and then you get the weird stares from people, as you wipe pickle juice from your face and lick it off your fingers.... And inevitably some smart ass named The Bro will shout out ' Hey, dude's eating Shrek's dick! ' .... Plus, and I discussed this with my friend last night.... The jar of pickles was weird looking.... Like they keep it buried in dirt in a dungeon somewhere and dig it up every weekend, just hoping that someone finally buys these pickles that some wrestling promotion bought back in 1985....

Ok, on to the show....

First match - Hollywood Blondes Vs. Brian Casey and JP Magnum

The match was pretty forgettable.... I've heard good things about JP Magnum, but he didn't really impress me much in the match and seemed to be loafing around a few times and Brian Casey breaks my first rule with babyfaces.... you never have a babyface with two first names, because I was taught at an early age that you A. don't trust anything with a vagina B. don't trust anyone wearing sunglasses at night and C. don't trust anyone with two first names.... You can also use these rules for poker too.... With strong emphasis on number one... Nothing will make you play a bad hand more than a hot lady sitting across from you to divert your attention....

The Blondes had good chemistry together, but their manager is distracting.... It's not like he's annoying or trying to take attention away from the wrestlers.... It's just the whole time I'm watching him, I'm thinking to myself ' if The Miz was on his period and was retaining a lot of water to make himself look bloated, and his eyesight went sour, this guy would be him ' ...

Aeon Flexx Vs. Rudy Boy Gonzalez

Aeon Flezz looked like the Canadian version of Fit Finlay.... I almost expected his entrance music to be ' The Names Flexx, and I like to... drink beer, play hockey and eat at tim horton's, eh?! ' then cue some alanis morissette music.... He was portly and you know how some people are in their mothers womb as twins, but the twin doesn't make it, so they somehow absorb an extra body part from their sibling, and when they come out of their mothers vag, they have like a finger attached to their leg or an ear on their arm?! Well, I'm pretty sure this happened with Flexx, because I think his unborn sibling's baby penis, got stuck in his belly button.... Either that or the dude had the biggest outtie I've ever seen.... Which, brings up tons of problems if you're flexx.... I mean, what happens if you pay for a blowjob from a prostitute and she preforms it on your outtie belly button.... do you get your money back?! If you go to the urologist and he start inspecting your outtie belly button, do you get charged twiced for the same procedure, when you inform him, he's inspecting the wrong organ?! A lot of questions I have about this guys belly button penis....

However, the one good thing Aeon had going for him?! Besides, the ripoff name of the cult MTV series.... Charming Charles.... It was good to see this man again!


You know what?! now that I think about it, I think that Jeff Hardy has a mad scientist on hand, at his disposal and every drug induced whimsy Jeff has, the mad scientist devises a way to make it happen and I think this is where Aeon Flexx came from.... The lab of jeff hardy..... I can see Jeff Hardy puffing on a bong and he's like ' hey man, listen... you know what would be fucked up and awesome, at the same time.... If you could... check this, brother... make a human being that was equal parts dave taylor and fit finlay, man.... and the crazy thing.... make that bitch have a penis for a belly button, man... that shit would be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! ' and poof! Aeon Flexx was born! And then he escaped, like Frankenstein, to go and wrestle.... Only Frankenstein didn't wrestle, but if he did, he would have been the shit!

I spent a lot of time on Aeon Flexx.... That's because Rudy Boy Gonzalez was scary looking as hell and I'm pretty sure he's a vampire.... I mean, I know I seen him in the bar scene in ' From Dusk till Dawn ' when Salma Hayek turns into a vampire, then all the patrons follow suit.... The one thing I don't want is a vampire after me that's built like The Tazmanian Devil fucked a concrete block.... I live in Antioch for chrissakes, in the Mexican Vampires natural habitat!!!

The crowd was chanting ' USA! USA! ' at Aeon Flexx, you know, because we're such hated enemies of the peaceful Canadians.... Not only that, but people..... He was wrestling a Mexican National!!!! WTF?!

Rudy won with a superkick....

Intermission was next....

It was announced it was Porter and Prentice's birthdays.... Well, Porter's was the following day, but still.... I wonder if the boys bought them a birthday cake, shaped like a huge penis.... I hope so. I like to see people get what they want on their birthday, in cake form....

Aaron Camaro, while I enjoy his ring announcing, was ridiculously looking last night.... I mean, I didn't know if he was a ring announcer or some lousy performance magician trolling Bourbon Street in the wee hours, performing card tricks for tourists with a styrofoam cup in hand that reads ' tips ' ..... I really didn't understand this look at all.... He was much better at the tribute to the fairgrounds show....

Shawn Shultz vs. Matt Boyce

Shawn Shultz had a manager with him that was probably one of the greatest things I've ever seen.... He looked like another escapee of the Jeff Hardy Mad Scientist Laboratory.... This time Jeff said ' hey man.... look, you know what I've always wondered?! What someone would look like who was equal parts Daniel Stern, you know the voice of ' The Wonder Years ' and The house robber with Joe Pesci in ' Home Alone, Harlan Williams and Horshack from Welcome Back Mr. Kotter ' ..... ' and poof! you got Shawn Shultz' manager.... He was fantastic.... He acted like someone gave a rabid squirrel cocaine.... He kept on shouting out ' we're winning ' when Shultz was put in a compromising position and then someone would shout out ' no you're not! ' and he'd scream back ' we're ahead on points! ' haha.... I like that creativity.... He also won me over when he attacked Boyce behind the ref's back, and when the ref questioned him about the attack on Boyce, he quickly showed the ref that his hands were in his jacket pocket.... The guy was a treat!

Matt Boyce wore Superman inspired tights into the ring and tried sliding into it and almost slid directly into the ringpost and off the side.... Which, suits him right.... You're wearing Superman inspired tights.... I fucking loathe Superman!!! Can we talk about this for a second?! Good, you really have no other option, but to let me rant....

Superman.... What a lousy clown of a Superhero.... The man is supposed to be some super fucking alien from outer space who can do anything and everything.... But..... Don't get him around green rocks, because he'll die.... A ROCK!!!! A GODDAMN MINERAL!!!! Superman?! How about ' MediocreMan ' ..... A mineral, are you kidding me?! And then you couple that with the fact that he's a goddamn alien, he's not even human, and you couple that with the fact he has no flaws, how the hell am I supposed to relate to this guy?! You can't... Because I have flaws, I'm not an alien and green rocks don't kill me, unless they're thrown at my skull with some sort of tyrannosaurus rex - like force.... And I don't hang around a bunch of clownshoe morons who are easily confused about who I am, because I can put glasses on my face.... And somehow that is the greatest disguise in the world.... Fuck Superman! Batman is the shit.... Superman IS shit.... Matt Boyce deserved any accident that befell him for wearing those ridiculous trunks into the ring....

Boyce won the match and honestly, this match was really good.... Could have easily been the best match on the card in my opinion. These guys knew how to work each other and seemed really at ease....

Texas Tornadoes Vs. The Colorado Kid and Brian Christopher

Weird... Brian Christopher looked a lot like JP Magnum and didn't act like he just snorted catnip and someone set his pubes on fire..... Oh! that's because it was JP Magnum..... Guess, Christopher no showed, which I called well in advance, but still... A little announcement or a statement would have been nice.... Explain why Magnum is replacing Christopher.... Get Aaron Camaro to make an announcement like ' Because the promoters were not able to score catnip for Christopher to snort, nor were they able to find a lighter to set his pubes on fire, nor were they able to secure some mad cow diseased beef for him to eat, nor were they able to capture enough farts in a glass bottle from Bonnie Baldwin, for him to huff... Brian Christopher will not be coming out... He said that if he cant have all these things, he cannot act like a complete and utter clown in the ring, like he usually does, and doesn't want to disappoint his FAN, so.... We decided to replace him with the closest thing possible.... * insert an eye roll here, for obvious sarcasm * , JP Magnum ' .... See how easy that is?!

This match was sloppy as hell.... Mainly because The Colorado Kid is still The Colorado Kid and JP Magnum continued to look totally lost.... Maybe they were able to secure the Bonnie Baldwin Jar Of Farts, for him to Huff, but instead of it making him act like Christopher, it just really made him sick to his stomach and completely discombobulated.... ?!

People were asking where The Colorado Kid had been for the past few years.... I have my theories.... This dude looked just like he did 11-12 years ago.... I bet he was cryogenically frozen in Prentice's basement with Liberace and a life sized homeade robot of Clay Aiken.... I mean he wore the jacket, the boots and tights, just like he did when he was MCW champion.... Sure, his face looked like a Rand McNally roadmap, but it was like seeing a ghost! His sequined jacket had seen better days.... little sparkly sequins were missing and ratty strings were hanging off and his boots had stains on them from ages ago and his tights had little fuzzballs all over them.... And in my head, I kept thinking, that Bert probably dry humped his cryogenically frozen body for years and years and years.... And that's why the clothes were so battered and torn.... I could see him getting unfrozen before this match and as he thaws out he's like ' hey, why is my attire so dishevveled?! ' and Prentice is like ' Oh, you were a heavy sleeper with bad dreams while you were frozen, always tossing and turning and having night terrors! ' .... The Clay Aiken robot turns on and in a feminine robot voice says ' That's not true ' .... Prentice yells at the Clay Aiekn robot while throwing his Dom Deluise hat at it ' Shut your goddamn gay robot mouth! ' .... And then the Clay Aiken robot, much like R2D2 from ' Star Wars ', projects a video from his eyes onto the floor in front of a thawing Colorado Kid and Prentice and it shows Bert sneaking into the basement and dry hump-raping a sleeping Colorado Kid.... Bert can be heard yelling out ' Save Me ObiColoradoNobi, you're my only hope! ahhhhhhhhh yesssssss! ' ..... Bert picks up his Dom Deluise hat and starts beating the Clay Aiken robot upside his head with it, while smiling and nervously laughing at The Colorado Kid ' damn dysfunctional gay robots! they sure don't make them like they used to! ' .... At which point a thawing Liberace shouts ' Can a brotha get some goddamn shut eye down here?! Jesus?! you dryhump-raped the kid.... admit it, move on, and shut the fuck up! gay robots don't lie! ' .....

The Texas Tornadoes looked like Andy Douglas and Wade Barrett.... Well, the Dollar Store versions of them.... You know, like when you go to the Dollar Store and you're like ' I want some doritos ' and instead have to settle for ' Quazy Lupe's Spicy Tortilla Snacks! ' .... If you squinted really hard, you could convince yourself that you were watching Andy Douglas and Wade Barrett tagging up to take on The Colorado Kid and JP Magnum....

This match was sloppy as hell... Seeing a pattern here from JP Magnum matches....

Betcha can't guess who won?!

It's a Prentice show... With Colorado Kid on it.... There's two choices about what happened.... And one isn't 'lost'

I did have a good laugh at The Colorado Kid coming out to ' My Town ' and then everyone cheering when he claimed Nashville as ' HIS ' town..... He's called the goddamn Colorado Kid.... Come on people!

Steve-O MY GOD vs. Shane Williams

Pssshewwwww.....

Why do I call him Steve-O MY GOD!? ....

Easy.... That's what I called him when I noticed this dude has a tramp stamp.....

I was like ' that's Steve-O MY GOD, he's got a tramp stamp!? ' .....

This guy was a complete mess.... First, did he mug The Amazing Red for his ring attire?! Pretty sure he did.... So, if you see The Amazing one, let him know that the fat man with a tramp stamp is the one who stole his attire....

A Tramp Stamp on a dude....

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!

Anyways, this guy was blown up in this match after 2 minutes.... He had stretch marks and what looked to be painted on abs, which is ridiculous, if that was the case, because putting painted on abs on his bulbous stomach is like putting racing stripes on a Geo Metro.... Me and my friend both commented about how blown up he was after maybe 5 minutes and his Belly Button kept on going in and out, and I told him it reminded me of the Space Worm in Star Wars that tried to swallow the millenium falcon....

And... He had a tramp stamp. I hope to holy hell, this guy has a story for that.... Like it was his dying grandma's wish for him to get a tramp stamp or it was a hazing incident while he was drunk and there's pending legal action or that he saved a centaur's life on another planet and this is the stamp they give you as a showing of their appreciation.....

You might think I'm blasting this guy....

And, I am.... I mean, I just don't get the appeal of this guy.... He was sloppy in the ring, which I can understand when you're wrestling for two.... Since, it seemed he was in his second trimester, but the people went crazy for him.... And I'm left aghast at the reaction....

I felt bad for Shane Williams.... He had to carry him, it seemed, because he was huffing and puffing so much that Jeff Hardy puffing a blunt and the Big Bad Wolf from The Three Little Pigs were both laughing about how much he was huffing and puffing....

Shane won when he covered him with his feet on the ropes to win the Gulas Cup.... The humble and limelight shy, George Gulas * insert eye roll here * , came to the ring and presented Shane with the Gulas cup after some long spiel about how his dad wouldn't have been proud of the ending and that he was giving the cup to Shane, but there would be a rematch soon and some NWA official was there too, but I don't know who he was, as he sounded like Charlie Brown's mom on the microphone.... Basically, Shane just ripped the cup out of Gulas' hands to end this horrible promo, then Steve-O wanted a rematch right then and right there, even though I think he was going into labor and stroking out at the same time, while receiving oxygen, and then Shane cut a promo saying he was going to reinvent wrestling and give the fans what they want.... Which at this point, I wanted him and Aaron Camaro to come over, work some magic on my brain to make me forget I just saw a dude with a tramp stamp wrestle....

Next match was the Midgets....

Mini Mexx vs. Lil Chris

Mini Mexx resembles a shrunken Eddie Guerrero and wears tights and barks like Rick Steiner and Lil Chris looks like an escaped Oompa.... Hair and Face, just like them.... Ridiculous....

Match was the typical midget match.... funny laughs and shenanigans galore....

The Ref, Jesse Fields got the win, when Lil Chris pushed him over on top of Mini Mexx.....

Fields retracted the decision, continued the match and Lil Chris picked up the win....

BIG WRESTLEMANIA INTERMISSION .....

Bert announced that for a dollar you could buy a ticket for a chance to win TWO Wrestlemania tickets.... For years, I've railed on people who were suckers and bought into Bert's raffles, but this was too good to pass up! However, I let my friend go up and buy my ticket and he bought his... I had to save some of my dignity....

I didn't expect to win, just thought I'd enter for the chance.... But there were some people there dropping AT LEAST 20 dollars on the chance to win these tickets...

And who winds up winning?!

A Bert Employee....

Bonnie Baldwin....

I thought there were rules against employees winning contests and competitions that there employers put on.... I mean, you ALWAYS hear these disclaimers.... But yet, here we were.... And it wasn't just the fact she worked for Bert.... It was the fact he took a ticket, which has ' ticket ' and a number on it, and goes ' oh my god. it's bonnie baldwin ' .... How did he knows this, from a number?!

It was explained.... After a small kid, shouted out that it was a sham.... Bert, looking like Charlie Sheen getting caught with his hand in a crazy pill jar, acts indignantly and shouts off on the mic about how for weeks, people were allowed to buy tickets and he told people to put their names on the back of the tickets....

All well and good, only he left out that detail when people bought their tickets that night.... Not to mention, that common sense tells you that he picked up the ticket that he saw with her name on it and claimed she won.... Because, in any fair raffle, everyone should be held to the same standard.... If he told people to put their names on it one night, he should have told them to do it the other night... of course, we are talking about Bert Prentice here....

Like I said, I could really care less.... It's a dollar... nothing lost, nothing gained.... But, I feel bad for the people who spent 20 dollars and more of their disposable income, when let's face it, that was probably grocery money, and used it for a chance, a once in a lifetime chance, to go to Wrestlemania.... Because, EVEN IF, everything was on the up and up, which with Bert is like saying ' EVEN IF Bert is totally straight and never sucked a dick... ' .... It gives off a bad impression.... So bad, that some fans started booing....

I laughed my head off, because for years I was like ' I'll never participate in a Bert Prentice raffle, because the man is a charlatan! he's the ultimate hustler! A snookerer to end all snookerers! ' and then I give in and participate.... I went against everything I hold holy and wind up getting hustled by a man that could probably sell shit to sewer

The rest of the night was a blur, as it was approaching midnight....

Ace Rockwell Vs. Jeff Daniels for the Southern NWA Championship

Ace Rockwell, was not aptly named.... Nothing Ace about him.... Maybe ' Ass ' would be more appropriate.... He got hardly any offense in, in between numerous rest holds and then in the end hits an out of nowhere RKO and gets the win...

Nice belt....

The Crippler wants a rematch, mysteriously shook his hand without attacking him and walked off....

I hate to say this, as I love Jeff Daniels, but this match was shitty.... It was Stadium Inn Restroom Stall Number 2 shitty....

Chase Steven Vs. Tommy Mercer

Last Match....

Never seen Mercer wrestle in person, but he's pretty impressive.... I could see Vince snapping him up someday and saving him from TNA....

This was a good match, as I expected.... I found out why Chase wears a bandana ALL THE TIME... It got ripped off and his receding hairline was highly evident.... It's age, brother... Just accept it... I put on some poundage and had to shave my head just to keep some semblance of dignity.... My friend, when I told him Chase should shave his head, replied ' then he'd look like Nick Hogan ' .... Never thought about it, but after he said that, I agreed....

Cool spot in the crowd with these two as chairs were demolished as Chase was thrown into them and Mercer got whipped into them.... The ending top this match was entirely weird...

Rudy gets knocked out by Mercer on accident.....Paul Bearer's/Undertaker's music hits and he comes out, walks around the ring, distracts Chase, Mercer suplexes him, both of their shoulds are on the mat... Jesse Fields hit the ring, Rudy wakes up... simultaneous three count.... refs argue, then Porter comes out, says he needs to send the tape to the NWA officials for their decision, even though Gulas said an NWA official was with him earlier when he presented the Gulas cup to Shane....

I don't know... I mean, I get it, you pull Bearer out, it's good for the fans, but it did absolutely nothing for storyline and left me scratching my head like ' wtf was that all about?! ' ....

Chase and Tommy agree to a rematch for the, what?! 500th time?! As if this hasn't been settled many times over already.... I'd love to see Shane Williams get involved in this feud, I think that would be money....

Quick Notes

- Loved the fact Rudy was the head ref.... And Jesse Fields was the other ref... Both are professional looking and do an excellent job, both at being a ref and selling the wrestlers moves on each other....

- Chickenhat is always prepared as he had his pants rolled up past his ankles, because of the rain.... I made a joke about it flooding and then was quick to notice that there were actually buckets in the rows of seats to catch the rain from the leaking roof, so maybe he is smarter than us all afterall?!

- Chickenhat almost shit his pants, which I should add the word ' more ' to ' shit his pants ', when he won the raffle for the Gulas OSW wrestling shirt signed by the stars there... when his number was announced, he started screaming ' YEAH!!! YAY!!! YEAH!!! YAY!!! ' and waved his ticket in the air and came rushing to the ring to claim his prize.... In a way, it was like watching a redneck version of the price as right.... I have dibs that shirt never gets washed and he probably masturbated into it last night....

- Lots of lazy eyes in attendance.... I'm scared by these... they're always rolling around and looking freaky as hell.... I guess trying to understand promoter logic on indy shows, makes an eyeball go crazy....

- Replica Belts.... Please, people... Can we stop wearing these to indy shows.... No one is going to confuse you for the WWE Champion.... Although, if you find me at a show and you go up to someone with a replica belt and ask them, seriously, ' hey brother, who'd you beat for that belt ?! ' ... I'll give you a dollar...

- Overall it was a good show. It was fun to see Bert being Bert.... It was good to see a good turnout for Porter.... I give these promoters a lot of shit, but I gotta give it to them. That was one of the most professionally ran shows I've seen in awhile... you know, outside of being snookered out of wrestlemania tickets....

- If I was Porter, I'd change the every Thursday night matches.... It's a shitty night.... Run it on Friday night.... Trust me, if I had a choice between that and Stadium Inn, I'm going to Main Event.... No offense to Falk, but comparing the NWA Arena to The Stadium Inn is like comparing Steve-O's tits to Leah Hulans....

Hit me up.... thebro1869@yahoo.com I don't bite. I'm nice. I like to talk.



-

Saw TV Review - Sort Of

The Nashville wrestling scene has been incredibly boring lately. Hence, my non posts. This week, I watched SAW, and in between suicidal thoughts caused by Dyanna Dawnn and The shitacular show, here’s a few of my thoughts on the show….

- Reno announces that he has now taken over the duties of matchmaker from Gulas Jr…. Someone, needs to call the ‘ who really gives a fuck?! ‘ nightly news, and inform them of this late breaking, urgent news…. Hey, SAW, call me when Reno becomes lead miraclemaker and improves this show by a billion awesome points….

- The Stadium Inn should obviously be researched by scientists all around the world for the mystery in the space/time continuum debate….. Why?! When Nashville ’s Maven – Vordell Walker – was in a match, SAW decided to show him in the middle of a hold, then simultaneously show him walking out to the ring during his entrance….. Me and My son both looked at each other like ‘ WTF?! ‘ and then I uttered ‘ Where we’re going, we don’t need video editors ‘ …. He laughed, only because of his love for ‘ Back to the Future ‘ and I just gave myself a SELF high five…. Much to the approval of my Diamond Dallas Page cardboard cutout…. But, come on SAW, a high school video yearbook editor can make that correction….

- Rudy Charles needs a goddamn belt…. Look, when you’re me, you know, a goddamn good looking male specimen, a greek god, a svelte mini fred durst, wearing a belt sometimes hinders the hunnies from getting to Shangri-La located just beyond the leather strap holding my pants up….. But, when you’re Rudy Charles and you’re wearing a bowtie, chances are, the hunnies are flocking to you, like Harvard acceptance officers are flocking to Chickenhat…. Hitch those black slacks up, Rudy, go to Walmart and drop a ten spot on a cheap belt…. Then maybe I can stop seeing you pull your pants up every two minutes…. It gives me flashbacks to when I hang with Roxy Rossi, because her pants are always falling off every two minutes, as are most females when they get around me….. It’s like an allergic reaction….. I kid, I kid….. They’re never actually ON when we chill…. BOOM!

- I actually liked the whole opening segment with Derrick King, Drew Haskins and Johnny Bandana…. But, the whole time I’m watching it, I’m thinking that Derrick King look like some mad scientists creation that he pulled out of Kory Williams asshole.... I see a weird Nashville wrestling science expirement happening where Kory Williams, Shelton Benjamin and the ghost of Howard Stern alumn - Bettlejuice all have their DNA harvested and put into the womb of some legendary Nashville ringrat, and through the nine months she's carrying this threeway lovechild, she makes it suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome and out pops Derrick King.... A weird, mishmash combination of Shelton Benjamin, Kory Williams and Bettlejuice DNA....

- Kid Kash is back, which is always a good thing. With SAW not being able to show a lot of Stevens stuff with Mercer and Shatter stuff, it’s probably the best idea to put Kash on and make him your top TV star…. He says he will reveal the thief who stole the SAW video equipment and tapes soon….. I will go ahead and break this news ahead of time…. It’s going to be revealed that Jeff Hardy was the culprit and then we’ll all feel incredibly bad for labeling him as a drug addict and we’ll retract our statements about how fucking high he was at Victory Road …. Because, then it will be self explanatory that Hardy was driven absolutely batshit crazy after watching all the SAW footage and trying to make sense of storylines from week to week….. Then, Kash, will be heralded as a hero for saving this young man’s life and pulling him from the deep dark recesses of a media room somewhere curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, crazed eyes staring at a TV screen mumbling something about Dyanna Dawn, Michael Graham, ChickenHat, Leah Hulan’s missing gorgeous breastesses and Jefferson’s…..

OR…..

My other idea is a BEAUT!.....

The thief could be revealed as the missing part of ChickenHat Charles’ brain that was removed after he was hit by the city bus…. I mean, it would make absolute sense…. It’s about the only thing that could make sense of SAW’s video library….

OR…..

My favorite idea of the bunch, has to do with some slick editing skills…. Just get a copy of ‘ Raiders of the Lost Ark ‘ and the opening scene where Indy steals the idol, just superimpose Mike Porter’s face over Indiana’s and instead of the idol, have a bunch of VHS tapes…. And instead of running out of the cave being chased by a huge concrete ball, he can just hope in a pedo van and drive away, until the natives throw a spear to deflate his tires, then he has to run to the plane, waiting at the river, as the natives give chase…. He yells at the pilot to take off, he jumps in and off they go with SAW’s video library…. Porter starts screaming in the backseat of the plane as an envelope full of cash lands in his lap with ‘ payout ‘ written in crayon on the outside…. ‘ PAYOUTS?!?! I HATE PAYOUTS!!! ‘ Porter screams out…. The pilot turns around to look at Porter in the backseat and Bert Prentice’s head is superimposed over the pilots….. They both laugh and off they go into the sunset, SAW’s video library in tow….

- During one of the matches, Rudy Charles acts like he is about to pass out, which allows some outside interference to occur..... I have no idea what the storyline is here or why Rudy is pretending to pass out, but I have a few theories...

1. Someone left the bathroom doors open in the dungeon below the stadium inn and the smell wafted up through a few floors and sullied Rudy's delicate nasal passages.... As well as singeing his nose hairs and turning his eyebrows ashen grey....

2. Dyanna Dawnn, who was sitting in the front row, in a dress, uncrossed her legs and the smell from her unkempt vagina was too overpowering for a mere mortal ref....

3. Chickenhat's lazy eye put him in some weird, trance like state....

All those are plausible and highly likely at the new mecca of Nashville wrestling, The palatial Stadium Inn

- I've always liked Chris Michaels.... I've always felt he was like that one local rocker, who was badass and next level, compared to most talents in the area.... But, everytime he had a chance to hit it big, he'd go into rehab and now the time has come and gone, and he's just doing local shows, opening up for bigger bands who pass through.... I don't know the extent as to why Chris Michaels never got bigger than he did, but I've always thought of him in this light....

- Ladies, put on an extra pair of panties, maybe even stock up on some adult diapers, extra absorbant, because The Bro is coming back to a wrestling event.... This Saturday night, I will be attending the NWA grand opening show with Percy Pringle.... If you hear trumpets playing and see a carriage pull up and a town crier unfurl a large scribe, and then clear his voice as he announces ' hear ye, hear ye..... The Bro is here! ' .... That'll be me... I like understated entrances.... If you see me, which I'll be easy to spot, I'm the handsome man in the picture on the side in my profile, come up, say hi, threaten me - cassidy o'reilly style, shake my hand, bask in my glory, pleasure yourself to me, or pick my mind... Come say hi....

thebro1869@yahoo.com

Alot about Hardy and A little ' bout SAW

I once had a friend, well who am I kidding?! , I still have this friend..
Anyways, he has been on a kick for a few years that Hitler survived World
War II and went with some of his buddies to a bunker in the center of the
earth, to live out his days with a group of humans that live just under the
earth's crust..



I used to laugh at this theory and just brush it off, ask him to pass the
cheese puffs and beer and continue watching and laughing at one of the
cartoons playing on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network..



Today, I'm convinced he was right..



Why?!



Easy..



I'm pretty certain that Hitler and his cronies are the elusive people
behind the term - ' TNA powers that be '



Everytime I hear that term, I just laugh to myself.. And, after last
night, I guffaw at it...



Yeah, google ' guffaw ' , we all know you are..



Anyways, so everyone knows the story now.. A 28 second main event at a
TNA PPV, which concluded with Sting hitting the COLOSSAL and DESTRUCTIVE
Scorpion Death Drop on Jeff Hardy, then getting the pinfall, while holding
down a wallowing and jerking Jeff Hardy, trying to kick out, which sadly
reminded me of a dying fish out of water flopping about to and fro..



How embarrassing..



Today, I read the reports that the ' TNA powers that be ' decided to
keep Hardy in the main event, despite his obvious intoxication due to
something, and now they have sent him home from the tapings..



What a bunch of clowns..



First off, did TNA not realize that allowing a performer with your
company, in that kind of shape, take to the ring could open themselves up to
many a lawsuit!? I mean what happens if an intoxicated Hardy hits a move on
Sting, that Sting isn't prepared for?! Especially given Sting's age and the
condition his body is in, he could have seriously hurt him or worse.. What
happens if Hardy snaps and tries to attack some fans?! There's a bevy of
potential ramifications that could have come back to haunt TNA, but luckily
for them, they did not..



Or did they?!



I've said it before, I'll say it again. Watching TNA is like hopping in
the Delorean and going back in time with Doc Brown.. It's WCW in it's dying
days..



People buying their PPV's, obviously enjoy torturing themselves, but
after last night, I have to question if they're suicidal ..



You had a first blood match, that ended with fake blood.. You had a
number one contender's match that ended in a No Decision.. And then you had
the Drop of Doom on Hardy..



How can any business person, who runs a company, actually think that
PPV was worth the money that their die hard fans forked out to see this
atrocity?!



The ' TNA powers that be ' .. That's who..



I can see it now..



Hitler sitting around in a cave located deep below earth, surrounded by
a group of rabid monkey's dressed in nazi outfits, shrieking and hopping
around Hitler, who is wearing an old school ' S.E.X. ' shirt, sitting in
front of a phone that has ' TNA ' written on it.. All while all the hydrogen
gas from middle earth is being pumped into the subterranean room, making
them all trip balls on it, making them the envy of anyone named Hardy, trying
to catch a trip off some shit



Everytime the phone rings, it's Dixie on the other end, asking ' the
powers that be ' , what to do..



And Hitler lets her know what he and his rabid monkey's dressed in
nazi outfits, all tripping balls off hydrogen gas, have decided on, using
a carefully thought out and scientific process, where Hitler puts a board
against the wall with different circles of decisions, put in a circular
target form.. Then the monkey's shit their hands, throw it at the target
and whichever answer has the most shit collected in it's targeted region, is the winning answer..



This is the ONLY way to describe the ' powers that be ' and the
shitty decisions they make..



' hey, listen everybody, the global economy is shit.... we produce a
lot of shit, so let's shit all over the fans, due to the monkey shit,
and give the fans the shittiest PPV in recorded history.. This shit will make
ECW's 'December to Dismember' look like Wrestlemania 3... '



That was Dixie's exact pre-PPV speech, btw...



If you work for TNA or involved in any aspect of that company, you
have to be truly embarrassed to be associated with that product today.. I
mean, even more so than usual..


The saddest part about all of this is the blind eye TNA and the hardy circle is turning to all of this. If TNA cared anything about hardy, outside of how much money he can make them, instead of sending him home, they should send him to a rehab facility, with the caveat that if he doesnt go, he is no longer employed by them and his contract is null and void.

Furthermore, Matt Hardy needs to cut the bullshit and admit his brother has some issues and he needs to get them dealt with. Im tired of everyone making fun of these guys who have serious issues, like sheen and hardy, but doing absolutely nothing to help them, only exploiting them for everything they can. Their camps are either fucking mentally retarded or too concerned about where their meal ticket is gonna get punched, to actually throw some hard love down.

Look, im no jeff hardy fan. Never have been. But, the guy when on his game has excellent ability, and its sad to see him go down this path. We are all witnessing an out of control train heading down tracks that lead to nowhere. Is TNA , matt hardy and the people closest to jeff just going to ride the hardy train until the bitter end and and use him for everything he's worth and jump off at the last minute, to watch the final, bitter ending?! Or, is someone going to do the right thing and force him into the treatment he needs. Because, im no nostradamus, but we are witnessing the tragic ending to yet another wrestler. And this one, can be prevented, because there's been too many signs of the impending doom.... Matt, wake the fuck up and get your brother some help. TNA, quit exploiting him and lay down an ultimatum.



As Jeff's tweet said last night.... ' things are op ' ..... no... they're not.... if you can't even spell the word ' ok ' , things are surely not ' ok ' , Jeff, and I hardly think they're even ' op ' ....



- I've watched the last two SAW TV tapings and I haven't really
wrote an in depth blog on it, mainly because I'm usually watching it with my
son and we're both trying to figure out what is going on...



I do have to say, if anyone knows the old man, who was singing the Elvis
songs in the lobby of the Stadium Inn, during the Daniels/Hammerjack brawl,
let me know.. I want to party with that old ass man.. He seems to be the type
of people I would give my left nut to hang with..



That segment was some excellent TV.. And that's written with the utmost
honesty.. I enjoyed every minute of it.. I was shocked to see the rooms of
the Stadium Inn, weren't adorned with velvet pictures of dogs playing pool,
a black and white TV with aluminum foil on the antennae on a bunch of milk
boxes and a fold out, ratty, stained with all sorts of weird liquids, futon
sitting in the corner..



That was always my perception of what the rooms there looked like..



I was a little let down that they didn't end the fight with them battling in
the dungeon bathroom.. They could have had the ' shit monster ' emerge from
the toilet for a run-in and take out one of them, resulting in the other
getting the victory.. All sorts of hilarity could have taken place in that
bathroom..



- no one being able to stand up properly, because of all the piss and shit
coating the floors



- them busting open a stall door and catching ChickenHat crouching
over a toilet, while holding a magazine with Athena on the cover



- having a ref follow them in there while wearing a Hazmat outfit



Eh, I don't know. Just some thoughts..



I really wish they'd stop showing Dyanna Dawnn commercials.. I mean,
we get it.. She gave you guys money.. But, THAT MUCH?! Really?!



There's no amount of money, that would force me to torture my viewers
with that horseshit week after week, if I was a promoter.. One of the lines in
her songs, I've memorized, because they play it, no less than 15 times in
the hour they're on TV, goes ...



' She's a one woman show! ' ..



There's a reason for that.. Because any musician with any shred of
respectability will not be associated with her!!!!! So, of course, she's a
one woman show.. And guess what, her vagina sings the same song too, because
nothing has been close to that thing, but wrinkly old liver spotted fingers,
in the last twenty years...



It's one thing if I find something amusing and laugh my ass off at the
sheer absurdity of it all, but when you add in my son, who is 12, my
daughter who is 8 and certain members of my family who have seen this, and
the first thing out of their mouth, after they close it from being agape in
sheer absurdity, is a hearty, meaty laugh, that lasts for about 20-45
seconds... I have a weird sense of humor, but when everyone is laughing at
something, I pretty much know it's THAT horrible..



I hear that the ' 24 ' movie is being made and that there's a scene
where Jack Bauer is interrogating a suspect and when the suspect doesn't
give up the information in a timely manner, he yells at ' bring in the
secret weapon ' and out pops Dyanna Dawnn, wearing her 1964 prom dress,
signing ' She's a one woman show ' and before she can even utter the next
line, the guy screams out ' ok, here's the info! ' as blood trickles out his
ears and nose...



Michael Graham announcing leaves a lot to be desired.. If Todd Grisham
and Matt Striker had sex with Jim Ross, mid stroke out, Michael Graham
would be their hideously atrocious baby..



Replace him with ChickenHat..



Some dude was wrestling on TV Saturday night, who was billed as a
scouting coordinator for the Colorado Rockies.. Which, is funny, because he
couldn't evaluate his own talents, obviously, when it comes to wrestling
ability.. Didn't like.. Shouldn't have watched..



Anytime Jesse Emerson touches a mic, I often wonder if his mouth emits
chloroform, because I immediately clock out of consciousness.. So boring..



Eh, my lunchtime is up at work.. Email it, if you want..
Thebro1869@yahoo.com

3 1 11 - Cue Western Theme & Rain!!!!

As I sit typing this in my Western Style Long Coat Jacket, My Cowboy Boots and my black pants… I hear thunder rumbling… lightning crashes…. A western style shanty is lit up across the way from me by candlelight…. Rain starts falling on my jacket…. Cascading down my face and HOLY FUCK NUGGETS !!! my computer’s shorting out and sparking all over the place, hold on…. Let me go inside and take off this ridiculous outfit and get somewhere where the rain won't void my goddamn warranty!!

Ahhh, much better now…. I just figured I’d get into the mood of this blog, and go all ‘ method ‘ about the subject I’m writing about…..

What subject?! Keep reading....


You ever been out somewhere, in public, and ran into a gaggle of kids who were just unruly?! I know I have….

Usually these kids are also unkempt looking, adorned with a rattails and faces that looked like they fell into a mud hole and immediately walked into a freezer, or fell asleep at a Krispy Kreme, where the chocolate icing glazer, mistook their ugly faces for a plain donut, then glazed it… They usually are wearing no pants and still in pull up diapers, despite them being 7-8 years old…. boogers crusted permanently underneath their nostrils and hair just a tangled birds nest of greasy hair….

You know these kids….

They’re usually with their ‘ once again pregnant ‘ mother, wearing an airbrushed tshirt with a picture of her and her waffle house manager husband, with the bubble letters ‘ 2gether 4ever ‘ airbrushed just above and under the picture…. Wearing sweatpants 3 sizes too small and furry house slippers….

You try to avoid the kids, but you have to walk down the aisle they’re all congregating in, behaving like a pack of wild, feral dogs…. So, you approach with caution, but when you get close, you politely say ‘ excuse me ‘ as you try to scurry by quickly to get to your destination….

These kids have something else in mind, as one punches you in the nuts and the others start pounding you with the cereal boxes they are eating out of and calling you names like ‘ asshole ‘ and idiot…. The mother is just laughing, while trying to feign a sense of motherly discipline by shouting’ stop that ‘ , but the kids hear the laugh lingering just under the statement, so they just continue hitting and cursing you, until you’re through…. At which point you look at the mother and she utters something ridiculous like ‘ aren’t they just cute?! ‘ …. You cringe and bite your tongue, because you know how to act in public, but the whole rest of your shopping trip is ruined and you steam about it for the next 12-24 hours….

We’ve all been in that situation right?!

No?!

Just me?! Well, I urge you to attend a stadium inn show, walk to the ‘ vending machines ‘ and encounter the ring rat’s and their little ring mice and then get back to me….

Anyways….. The reason I bring this up, is because I want you to visualize that scenario…. Now… As hard as this may be, visualize Dixie as the mother in this situation…. And then envision those unruly, dried snot faced, pants-less, rattail kids as the ending to TNA Impact, last Thursday night….

Better known as the ‘ 3 3 11 ‘ promo ….

You know, they hype up this ‘ HUGE ‘ and ‘ SHOCKING ‘ ending with TNA Impact, so you sit through all the garbage that was on TV before it and then you get down to this announcement and then you’re treated to a DIRECT ripoff of the WWE themed Undertaker promo videos…. Even down the exact font they used to scroll ‘ 2 21 11 ‘ … only they inserted ‘ 3 3 11 ‘ , hyping Sting’s return to TNA….

That twenty seconds of promo time was like getting punched in the balls by a gaggle of unkempt retarded/redneck children, while being heckled and laughed at by a mother shouting ’ isn’t that just soooo cute?! ‘

No, Dixie, it wasn’t cute…. In fact, it was the most atrocious thing I’ve ever seen on a Wrestling TV show, and this includes, Katie Vick, Ed Ferrera as ‘ Oklahoma ‘ and Jackie Gayda in a ring on Raw….

It trumped all of those….

Why?!

Because, it was a complete and utter slap in the face to ALL fans, just not TNA fans…. You know, TNA tries to act like they’re the ultimate alternative to the WWE, they’re like that guy that goes to a coffeeshop, wearing an ascot and a derby hat, sipping on some sort of fancy named coffee, reading the New York Times and scoffing as you read Maxim, shifting your legs, trying to cover the boner you’re getting from a Mila Kunis spread, you look at him like ‘ tha fuck you staring at?! ‘ and he just rolls his eyes and goes back to reading, as he loudly shuffles his paper to alert everyone around him, he’s so far above it all, that he has to read the New York Times…

Then one day, you stop going on the days you typically have to deal with fuckface mcgee and start going a different day….. Then you notice a guy sitting there, wearing a Nickleback shirt, baseball hat turned around backwards, drinking a straight black coffee and thumbing through a SI Swimsuit Issue….

It’s fuckface mcgee!!!! The guy who thought he was so much better than you, pulling a ‘ you ‘ !!!

He notices you staring, pulls the magazine up to cover his face, you walk up, and address him….

‘ tha fuck is this?! ‘

‘ good day sir, what is the meaning of this hostile intrusion?! ‘ he asks in a british accent

‘ hey, david beckham, the gig is up…. You’ve been caught, you’re not british, you don’t like ascots and you don’t wear a derby hat nor do you like to read the new york times!!! It was all a sham ‘ you say, aghast

‘ look dude…. Im a phony, ok?! But how else am I gonna get the ladies?! I have to act different than you, because you’re so much better than me. Do you think I like wearing that Fred Jones - like ascot?! A derby hat?! are you kidding me?! And, I cant even read!!!! But, I have to act like I’m so much different than you, because I want the girls to have an alternative, even though I desperately want to be you…. You know?! ‘ he says in perfect English….

A twinge of remorse hits your gut like a fairgrounds hotdog….

‘ Alright dude… I’m gonna let it go this time…. But, don’t ever do this shit again, be yourself… you’ll get more chicks that way! ‘

And the you punch him in the grundo as you walk away, as a parting shot….

THAT! Is TNA… A company that truly wants to be WWE, but has to give off the persona that they’re some renegade, total 180, complete opposite form of entertainment….

Who let this go on the air anyways?!

Do they still have a job?!

If they do, I want to know why, and I want to know the total number of pictures they currently have of Dixie Carter wearing the Wonder Woman outfit with a midget in a gimp suit….

Because, that has to be the only explanation, of why anyone in upper management, especially Dixie, lets a blatant copy/ripoff of WWE’s promo’s go on the air, and especially under the hope and promise of something ‘ HUGE ‘ and ‘ SHOCKING ‘

And honestly, even if it was a different promo, and still hyping Sting’s return, what a fucking letdown….

Oh great…. We get a returning, in his late 40’s old, washed up has been, in sad clown makeup and a rubber bat coming back to do splashes in the ring, while screaming ‘ It’s Showtime Folks!!! ‘ ?!

HUGE and SHOCKING.....

You know, if you’re describing the levels of letdowns a returning Sting has on the fans….

It would have been HUGE and SHOCKING had Sting appeared in WWE, because he has never worked for Vince….

It’s not HUGE and SHOCKING when he comes back to TNA, after whatever injury or makeup crisis he had….

That’s like your wife, for all the married folks out there, keeping up this charade of saying she had a ‘ surprise ‘ that was ‘ huge and shocking ‘ for the bedroom for you later that night….

You get all hyped up for it and all these thoughts of sheer eroticism and pleasure dance through your head….. As you picture your wife dressed up in different things…. Catwoman, Wonderwoman, BatGirl, Harley Quinn…. You start thinking ‘ well maybe she’s bringing another girl into the bedroom and we’re gonna get a little three way action going!!!! ‘ … the possibilities are endless….

The time comes, you walk into the room, after she tells you it’s time to come in…. And she’s still dressed in her khaki pants and blouse…..

There are new sheets on the bed….

‘ OMG!!! Aren’t they so nice?! Got them at Bed Bath and Beyond for 50 percent off, aren’t they just lovely ‘

You hear a crash and the sound of glass breaking and look down as you see your penis broken into a million pieces, as it dried up and fell off after that letdown…

That’s what Sting’s return is like for TNA…. Who cares?!

TNA will likely pound their chest and brag about ‘ getting one over on the marks!!!! ‘ and how they have all these people talking about their product now and the whole Bischoff claim of ‘ Controversy = Cash ‘ claim is true… But, it’s not…. They will claim that ‘ any publicity is good publicity ‘ and I beg to differ… Ask OJ simpson, might have heard of him, if controversy = cash....

If a bunch of girls go around and claim that I have a small peen, a claim that is utterly untrue, by the way, ladies…. I will show you, if you like… But, I digress… If a group of ladies go around telling everyone my peen is small, how does that help me, AT ALL?!

It doesn’t….

It has the same effect this stupid, ridiculous promo does…. It makes people stay away….

And that’s what TNA did last Thursday night…. They unzipped their pants and instead of a five dollar spicy meatball footlong falling out, all they did was show the world that they’re nothing more, than an unkempt, smelly, old and overrated vagina

Congrats

I’m done with you TNA for awhile…. I’m done caring…. I’m done with you giving the belt to a man, that should be sitting on a wooden platform above a tank of water that people should be paying for the chance to dunk the ‘ sad clown ‘, instead of seeing him main event PPV’s ….. I’m done with all your ‘ shocking ‘ and ‘ huge ‘ announcements, that turn out to be nothing more than a kid in college bragging to his friends, that he has a huge penis, then when cornered in the bathroom, instead of packing a chili cheese coney, he’s packing a Pepperidge farm ‘ lil’ smokie ‘

TNA = A Singular Lil' Smokie

Thebro1869@yahoo.com