As I sit typing this in my Western Style Long Coat Jacket, My Cowboy Boots and my black pants… I hear thunder rumbling… lightning crashes…. A western style shanty is lit up across the way from me by candlelight…. Rain starts falling on my jacket…. Cascading down my face and HOLY FUCK NUGGETS !!! my computer’s shorting out and sparking all over the place, hold on…. Let me go inside and take off this ridiculous outfit and get somewhere where the rain won't void my goddamn warranty!!
Ahhh, much better now…. I just figured I’d get into the mood of this blog, and go all ‘ method ‘ about the subject I’m writing about…..
What subject?! Keep reading....
You ever been out somewhere, in public, and ran into a gaggle of kids who were just unruly?! I know I have….
Usually these kids are also unkempt looking, adorned with a rattails and faces that looked like they fell into a mud hole and immediately walked into a freezer, or fell asleep at a Krispy Kreme, where the chocolate icing glazer, mistook their ugly faces for a plain donut, then glazed it… They usually are wearing no pants and still in pull up diapers, despite them being 7-8 years old…. boogers crusted permanently underneath their nostrils and hair just a tangled birds nest of greasy hair….
You know these kids….
They’re usually with their ‘ once again pregnant ‘ mother, wearing an airbrushed tshirt with a picture of her and her waffle house manager husband, with the bubble letters ‘ 2gether 4ever ‘ airbrushed just above and under the picture…. Wearing sweatpants 3 sizes too small and furry house slippers….
You try to avoid the kids, but you have to walk down the aisle they’re all congregating in, behaving like a pack of wild, feral dogs…. So, you approach with caution, but when you get close, you politely say ‘ excuse me ‘ as you try to scurry by quickly to get to your destination….
These kids have something else in mind, as one punches you in the nuts and the others start pounding you with the cereal boxes they are eating out of and calling you names like ‘ asshole ‘ and idiot…. The mother is just laughing, while trying to feign a sense of motherly discipline by shouting’ stop that ‘ , but the kids hear the laugh lingering just under the statement, so they just continue hitting and cursing you, until you’re through…. At which point you look at the mother and she utters something ridiculous like ‘ aren’t they just cute?! ‘ …. You cringe and bite your tongue, because you know how to act in public, but the whole rest of your shopping trip is ruined and you steam about it for the next 12-24 hours….
We’ve all been in that situation right?!
No?!
Just me?! Well, I urge you to attend a stadium inn show, walk to the ‘ vending machines ‘ and encounter the ring rat’s and their little ring mice and then get back to me….
Anyways….. The reason I bring this up, is because I want you to visualize that scenario…. Now… As hard as this may be, visualize Dixie as the mother in this situation…. And then envision those unruly, dried snot faced, pants-less, rattail kids as the ending to TNA Impact, last Thursday night….
Better known as the ‘ 3 3 11 ‘ promo ….
You know, they hype up this ‘ HUGE ‘ and ‘ SHOCKING ‘ ending with TNA Impact, so you sit through all the garbage that was on TV before it and then you get down to this announcement and then you’re treated to a DIRECT ripoff of the WWE themed Undertaker promo videos…. Even down the exact font they used to scroll ‘ 2 21 11 ‘ … only they inserted ‘ 3 3 11 ‘ , hyping Sting’s return to TNA….
That twenty seconds of promo time was like getting punched in the balls by a gaggle of unkempt retarded/redneck children, while being heckled and laughed at by a mother shouting ’ isn’t that just soooo cute?! ‘
No, Dixie, it wasn’t cute…. In fact, it was the most atrocious thing I’ve ever seen on a Wrestling TV show, and this includes, Katie Vick, Ed Ferrera as ‘ Oklahoma ‘ and Jackie Gayda in a ring on Raw….
It trumped all of those….
Why?!
Because, it was a complete and utter slap in the face to ALL fans, just not TNA fans…. You know, TNA tries to act like they’re the ultimate alternative to the WWE, they’re like that guy that goes to a coffeeshop, wearing an ascot and a derby hat, sipping on some sort of fancy named coffee, reading the New York Times and scoffing as you read Maxim, shifting your legs, trying to cover the boner you’re getting from a Mila Kunis spread, you look at him like ‘ tha fuck you staring at?! ‘ and he just rolls his eyes and goes back to reading, as he loudly shuffles his paper to alert everyone around him, he’s so far above it all, that he has to read the New York Times…
Then one day, you stop going on the days you typically have to deal with fuckface mcgee and start going a different day….. Then you notice a guy sitting there, wearing a Nickleback shirt, baseball hat turned around backwards, drinking a straight black coffee and thumbing through a SI Swimsuit Issue….
It’s fuckface mcgee!!!! The guy who thought he was so much better than you, pulling a ‘ you ‘ !!!
He notices you staring, pulls the magazine up to cover his face, you walk up, and address him….
‘ tha fuck is this?! ‘
‘ good day sir, what is the meaning of this hostile intrusion?! ‘ he asks in a british accent
‘ hey, david beckham, the gig is up…. You’ve been caught, you’re not british, you don’t like ascots and you don’t wear a derby hat nor do you like to read the new york times!!! It was all a sham ‘ you say, aghast
‘ look dude…. Im a phony, ok?! But how else am I gonna get the ladies?! I have to act different than you, because you’re so much better than me. Do you think I like wearing that Fred Jones - like ascot?! A derby hat?! are you kidding me?! And, I cant even read!!!! But, I have to act like I’m so much different than you, because I want the girls to have an alternative, even though I desperately want to be you…. You know?! ‘ he says in perfect English….
A twinge of remorse hits your gut like a fairgrounds hotdog….
‘ Alright dude… I’m gonna let it go this time…. But, don’t ever do this shit again, be yourself… you’ll get more chicks that way! ‘
And the you punch him in the grundo as you walk away, as a parting shot….
THAT! Is TNA… A company that truly wants to be WWE, but has to give off the persona that they’re some renegade, total 180, complete opposite form of entertainment….
Who let this go on the air anyways?!
Do they still have a job?!
If they do, I want to know why, and I want to know the total number of pictures they currently have of Dixie Carter wearing the Wonder Woman outfit with a midget in a gimp suit….
Because, that has to be the only explanation, of why anyone in upper management, especially Dixie, lets a blatant copy/ripoff of WWE’s promo’s go on the air, and especially under the hope and promise of something ‘ HUGE ‘ and ‘ SHOCKING ‘
And honestly, even if it was a different promo, and still hyping Sting’s return, what a fucking letdown….
Oh great…. We get a returning, in his late 40’s old, washed up has been, in sad clown makeup and a rubber bat coming back to do splashes in the ring, while screaming ‘ It’s Showtime Folks!!! ‘ ?!
HUGE and SHOCKING.....
You know, if you’re describing the levels of letdowns a returning Sting has on the fans….
It would have been HUGE and SHOCKING had Sting appeared in WWE, because he has never worked for Vince….
It’s not HUGE and SHOCKING when he comes back to TNA, after whatever injury or makeup crisis he had….
That’s like your wife, for all the married folks out there, keeping up this charade of saying she had a ‘ surprise ‘ that was ‘ huge and shocking ‘ for the bedroom for you later that night….
You get all hyped up for it and all these thoughts of sheer eroticism and pleasure dance through your head….. As you picture your wife dressed up in different things…. Catwoman, Wonderwoman, BatGirl, Harley Quinn…. You start thinking ‘ well maybe she’s bringing another girl into the bedroom and we’re gonna get a little three way action going!!!! ‘ … the possibilities are endless….
The time comes, you walk into the room, after she tells you it’s time to come in…. And she’s still dressed in her khaki pants and blouse…..
There are new sheets on the bed….
‘ OMG!!! Aren’t they so nice?! Got them at Bed Bath and Beyond for 50 percent off, aren’t they just lovely ‘
You hear a crash and the sound of glass breaking and look down as you see your penis broken into a million pieces, as it dried up and fell off after that letdown…
That’s what Sting’s return is like for TNA…. Who cares?!
TNA will likely pound their chest and brag about ‘ getting one over on the marks!!!! ‘ and how they have all these people talking about their product now and the whole Bischoff claim of ‘ Controversy = Cash ‘ claim is true… But, it’s not…. They will claim that ‘ any publicity is good publicity ‘ and I beg to differ… Ask OJ simpson, might have heard of him, if controversy = cash....
If a bunch of girls go around and claim that I have a small peen, a claim that is utterly untrue, by the way, ladies…. I will show you, if you like… But, I digress… If a group of ladies go around telling everyone my peen is small, how does that help me, AT ALL?!
It doesn’t….
It has the same effect this stupid, ridiculous promo does…. It makes people stay away….
And that’s what TNA did last Thursday night…. They unzipped their pants and instead of a five dollar spicy meatball footlong falling out, all they did was show the world that they’re nothing more, than an unkempt, smelly, old and overrated vagina
Congrats
I’m done with you TNA for awhile…. I’m done caring…. I’m done with you giving the belt to a man, that should be sitting on a wooden platform above a tank of water that people should be paying for the chance to dunk the ‘ sad clown ‘, instead of seeing him main event PPV’s ….. I’m done with all your ‘ shocking ‘ and ‘ huge ‘ announcements, that turn out to be nothing more than a kid in college bragging to his friends, that he has a huge penis, then when cornered in the bathroom, instead of packing a chili cheese coney, he’s packing a Pepperidge farm ‘ lil’ smokie ‘
TNA = A Singular Lil' Smokie
agree 100 percent in every hilarious thing you typed
ReplyDeletehear! hear!
ReplyDeleteActually, Sting is in his 50s.
ReplyDelete^ even better, love ya bro
ReplyDeletejust another tna hater. nothing new. we all know you bow at the feat of vince, bro. you're probably being paid to write this for him. i wonder what your lord thinks about you writing this? russo would not be happy.
ReplyDeletei thought the promo was brilliant. i think most smarks do to.