Saw TV Review - Sort Of

The Nashville wrestling scene has been incredibly boring lately. Hence, my non posts. This week, I watched SAW, and in between suicidal thoughts caused by Dyanna Dawnn and The shitacular show, here’s a few of my thoughts on the show….

- Reno announces that he has now taken over the duties of matchmaker from Gulas Jr…. Someone, needs to call the ‘ who really gives a fuck?! ‘ nightly news, and inform them of this late breaking, urgent news…. Hey, SAW, call me when Reno becomes lead miraclemaker and improves this show by a billion awesome points….

- The Stadium Inn should obviously be researched by scientists all around the world for the mystery in the space/time continuum debate….. Why?! When Nashville ’s Maven – Vordell Walker – was in a match, SAW decided to show him in the middle of a hold, then simultaneously show him walking out to the ring during his entrance….. Me and My son both looked at each other like ‘ WTF?! ‘ and then I uttered ‘ Where we’re going, we don’t need video editors ‘ …. He laughed, only because of his love for ‘ Back to the Future ‘ and I just gave myself a SELF high five…. Much to the approval of my Diamond Dallas Page cardboard cutout…. But, come on SAW, a high school video yearbook editor can make that correction….

- Rudy Charles needs a goddamn belt…. Look, when you’re me, you know, a goddamn good looking male specimen, a greek god, a svelte mini fred durst, wearing a belt sometimes hinders the hunnies from getting to Shangri-La located just beyond the leather strap holding my pants up….. But, when you’re Rudy Charles and you’re wearing a bowtie, chances are, the hunnies are flocking to you, like Harvard acceptance officers are flocking to Chickenhat…. Hitch those black slacks up, Rudy, go to Walmart and drop a ten spot on a cheap belt…. Then maybe I can stop seeing you pull your pants up every two minutes…. It gives me flashbacks to when I hang with Roxy Rossi, because her pants are always falling off every two minutes, as are most females when they get around me….. It’s like an allergic reaction….. I kid, I kid….. They’re never actually ON when we chill…. BOOM!

- I actually liked the whole opening segment with Derrick King, Drew Haskins and Johnny Bandana…. But, the whole time I’m watching it, I’m thinking that Derrick King look like some mad scientists creation that he pulled out of Kory Williams asshole.... I see a weird Nashville wrestling science expirement happening where Kory Williams, Shelton Benjamin and the ghost of Howard Stern alumn - Bettlejuice all have their DNA harvested and put into the womb of some legendary Nashville ringrat, and through the nine months she's carrying this threeway lovechild, she makes it suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome and out pops Derrick King.... A weird, mishmash combination of Shelton Benjamin, Kory Williams and Bettlejuice DNA....

- Kid Kash is back, which is always a good thing. With SAW not being able to show a lot of Stevens stuff with Mercer and Shatter stuff, it’s probably the best idea to put Kash on and make him your top TV star…. He says he will reveal the thief who stole the SAW video equipment and tapes soon….. I will go ahead and break this news ahead of time…. It’s going to be revealed that Jeff Hardy was the culprit and then we’ll all feel incredibly bad for labeling him as a drug addict and we’ll retract our statements about how fucking high he was at Victory Road …. Because, then it will be self explanatory that Hardy was driven absolutely batshit crazy after watching all the SAW footage and trying to make sense of storylines from week to week….. Then, Kash, will be heralded as a hero for saving this young man’s life and pulling him from the deep dark recesses of a media room somewhere curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, crazed eyes staring at a TV screen mumbling something about Dyanna Dawn, Michael Graham, ChickenHat, Leah Hulan’s missing gorgeous breastesses and Jefferson’s…..

OR…..

My other idea is a BEAUT!.....

The thief could be revealed as the missing part of ChickenHat Charles’ brain that was removed after he was hit by the city bus…. I mean, it would make absolute sense…. It’s about the only thing that could make sense of SAW’s video library….

OR…..

My favorite idea of the bunch, has to do with some slick editing skills…. Just get a copy of ‘ Raiders of the Lost Ark ‘ and the opening scene where Indy steals the idol, just superimpose Mike Porter’s face over Indiana’s and instead of the idol, have a bunch of VHS tapes…. And instead of running out of the cave being chased by a huge concrete ball, he can just hope in a pedo van and drive away, until the natives throw a spear to deflate his tires, then he has to run to the plane, waiting at the river, as the natives give chase…. He yells at the pilot to take off, he jumps in and off they go with SAW’s video library…. Porter starts screaming in the backseat of the plane as an envelope full of cash lands in his lap with ‘ payout ‘ written in crayon on the outside…. ‘ PAYOUTS?!?! I HATE PAYOUTS!!! ‘ Porter screams out…. The pilot turns around to look at Porter in the backseat and Bert Prentice’s head is superimposed over the pilots….. They both laugh and off they go into the sunset, SAW’s video library in tow….

- During one of the matches, Rudy Charles acts like he is about to pass out, which allows some outside interference to occur..... I have no idea what the storyline is here or why Rudy is pretending to pass out, but I have a few theories...

1. Someone left the bathroom doors open in the dungeon below the stadium inn and the smell wafted up through a few floors and sullied Rudy's delicate nasal passages.... As well as singeing his nose hairs and turning his eyebrows ashen grey....

2. Dyanna Dawnn, who was sitting in the front row, in a dress, uncrossed her legs and the smell from her unkempt vagina was too overpowering for a mere mortal ref....

3. Chickenhat's lazy eye put him in some weird, trance like state....

All those are plausible and highly likely at the new mecca of Nashville wrestling, The palatial Stadium Inn

- I've always liked Chris Michaels.... I've always felt he was like that one local rocker, who was badass and next level, compared to most talents in the area.... But, everytime he had a chance to hit it big, he'd go into rehab and now the time has come and gone, and he's just doing local shows, opening up for bigger bands who pass through.... I don't know the extent as to why Chris Michaels never got bigger than he did, but I've always thought of him in this light....

- Ladies, put on an extra pair of panties, maybe even stock up on some adult diapers, extra absorbant, because The Bro is coming back to a wrestling event.... This Saturday night, I will be attending the NWA grand opening show with Percy Pringle.... If you hear trumpets playing and see a carriage pull up and a town crier unfurl a large scribe, and then clear his voice as he announces ' hear ye, hear ye..... The Bro is here! ' .... That'll be me... I like understated entrances.... If you see me, which I'll be easy to spot, I'm the handsome man in the picture on the side in my profile, come up, say hi, threaten me - cassidy o'reilly style, shake my hand, bask in my glory, pleasure yourself to me, or pick my mind... Come say hi....

thebro1869@yahoo.com