NWA Main Event Grand Opening Celebration

DEATHSTAR GRANNY HAIR!!!! I had to fight the tractor beam from pulling me in all night.. She was a sweet old granny though



The Blackhole Of Awesomeness Was Formed When These Two Entities Came Together on this magic night....



You know that feeling of Deja Vu that you sometimes get, when you're walking somewhere and that overwhelming sense of familiarity hits and you know you've been here before, but you just can't identify the whens and the wheres?!

yeah, that was my feeling last night, when I attended the big NWA Main Event Grand Opening Celebration.... I had been to this kind of show before, somewhere, someplace.... And then it hit me.... This show felt just like a show at the fairgrounds run by Prentice in the late 90's to early 2000's.... It was like they lifted the motif and trashy charm of the fairgrounds and lifted it into a gym on church property.... It had everything you'd expect of a Prentice-ran fairgrounds show..... The only thing missing?! The overwhelming smell of unkempt assholes.... But, give it a few months, and I'm sure that smell of dingleberries crusted to the inside of a shit caked pair of underwear will permeate the place and it'll be JUST LIKE Music City Wrestling..... We had Bert Raffles, Merch Tables with out of date wrestling memorabilia sprinkled amongst DVD's with titles like ' Harold Reynolds Teaches you Baseball Basics ' and ' Equine Extravaganza ' .... We had Bert wearing his familiar Dom Deluise hat, Bonnie Baldwin ( something I will rant on later ) , Rudy Charles , The FUCKING Colorado Kid! , A recliner for sale - I SHIT YOU NOT , ChickenHat, Lucky Numbered Programs and enough airbrushed tshirts in attendance to make R-Truth and Gary Valiant weep tears of jealousy.....

It felt like the old days and that was pretty amazing.... You know, in that trashy way where you sit around and go ' if a flea market and a wrestling show had a baby, what would it look like?! ' and some crazy scientist was like ' I can make that happen! ' - last night's show would have been the offspring....

I do have to compliment the promotion for having the nicest ring out of all the independent promotions around this area. It was tight, raised to a proper level and didn't have really any visible patches.... To me, this stuff is important.... To others, maybe not...

BTW, why does every concession stand in the middle tennessee area, when it comes to Independent Wrestling, serve pickles?! I mean, I like pickles on my hamburgers and hotdogs, but they sell these sumbitches that look like giant green penis .... Just big, thick, long and green.... Not only that, but the logistics of eating a huge pickle at a wrestling show, just doesn't seem to work for me.... I mean, you have to hold it, while you're eating it, while pickle juice drips all over your hands and face, and then you get the weird stares from people, as you wipe pickle juice from your face and lick it off your fingers.... And inevitably some smart ass named The Bro will shout out ' Hey, dude's eating Shrek's dick! ' .... Plus, and I discussed this with my friend last night.... The jar of pickles was weird looking.... Like they keep it buried in dirt in a dungeon somewhere and dig it up every weekend, just hoping that someone finally buys these pickles that some wrestling promotion bought back in 1985....

Ok, on to the show....

First match - Hollywood Blondes Vs. Brian Casey and JP Magnum

The match was pretty forgettable.... I've heard good things about JP Magnum, but he didn't really impress me much in the match and seemed to be loafing around a few times and Brian Casey breaks my first rule with babyfaces.... you never have a babyface with two first names, because I was taught at an early age that you A. don't trust anything with a vagina B. don't trust anyone wearing sunglasses at night and C. don't trust anyone with two first names.... You can also use these rules for poker too.... With strong emphasis on number one... Nothing will make you play a bad hand more than a hot lady sitting across from you to divert your attention....

The Blondes had good chemistry together, but their manager is distracting.... It's not like he's annoying or trying to take attention away from the wrestlers.... It's just the whole time I'm watching him, I'm thinking to myself ' if The Miz was on his period and was retaining a lot of water to make himself look bloated, and his eyesight went sour, this guy would be him ' ...

Aeon Flexx Vs. Rudy Boy Gonzalez

Aeon Flezz looked like the Canadian version of Fit Finlay.... I almost expected his entrance music to be ' The Names Flexx, and I like to... drink beer, play hockey and eat at tim horton's, eh?! ' then cue some alanis morissette music.... He was portly and you know how some people are in their mothers womb as twins, but the twin doesn't make it, so they somehow absorb an extra body part from their sibling, and when they come out of their mothers vag, they have like a finger attached to their leg or an ear on their arm?! Well, I'm pretty sure this happened with Flexx, because I think his unborn sibling's baby penis, got stuck in his belly button.... Either that or the dude had the biggest outtie I've ever seen.... Which, brings up tons of problems if you're flexx.... I mean, what happens if you pay for a blowjob from a prostitute and she preforms it on your outtie belly button.... do you get your money back?! If you go to the urologist and he start inspecting your outtie belly button, do you get charged twiced for the same procedure, when you inform him, he's inspecting the wrong organ?! A lot of questions I have about this guys belly button penis....

However, the one good thing Aeon had going for him?! Besides, the ripoff name of the cult MTV series.... Charming Charles.... It was good to see this man again!


You know what?! now that I think about it, I think that Jeff Hardy has a mad scientist on hand, at his disposal and every drug induced whimsy Jeff has, the mad scientist devises a way to make it happen and I think this is where Aeon Flexx came from.... The lab of jeff hardy..... I can see Jeff Hardy puffing on a bong and he's like ' hey man, listen... you know what would be fucked up and awesome, at the same time.... If you could... check this, brother... make a human being that was equal parts dave taylor and fit finlay, man.... and the crazy thing.... make that bitch have a penis for a belly button, man... that shit would be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! ' and poof! Aeon Flexx was born! And then he escaped, like Frankenstein, to go and wrestle.... Only Frankenstein didn't wrestle, but if he did, he would have been the shit!

I spent a lot of time on Aeon Flexx.... That's because Rudy Boy Gonzalez was scary looking as hell and I'm pretty sure he's a vampire.... I mean, I know I seen him in the bar scene in ' From Dusk till Dawn ' when Salma Hayek turns into a vampire, then all the patrons follow suit.... The one thing I don't want is a vampire after me that's built like The Tazmanian Devil fucked a concrete block.... I live in Antioch for chrissakes, in the Mexican Vampires natural habitat!!!

The crowd was chanting ' USA! USA! ' at Aeon Flexx, you know, because we're such hated enemies of the peaceful Canadians.... Not only that, but people..... He was wrestling a Mexican National!!!! WTF?!

Rudy won with a superkick....

Intermission was next....

It was announced it was Porter and Prentice's birthdays.... Well, Porter's was the following day, but still.... I wonder if the boys bought them a birthday cake, shaped like a huge penis.... I hope so. I like to see people get what they want on their birthday, in cake form....

Aaron Camaro, while I enjoy his ring announcing, was ridiculously looking last night.... I mean, I didn't know if he was a ring announcer or some lousy performance magician trolling Bourbon Street in the wee hours, performing card tricks for tourists with a styrofoam cup in hand that reads ' tips ' ..... I really didn't understand this look at all.... He was much better at the tribute to the fairgrounds show....

Shawn Shultz vs. Matt Boyce

Shawn Shultz had a manager with him that was probably one of the greatest things I've ever seen.... He looked like another escapee of the Jeff Hardy Mad Scientist Laboratory.... This time Jeff said ' hey man.... look, you know what I've always wondered?! What someone would look like who was equal parts Daniel Stern, you know the voice of ' The Wonder Years ' and The house robber with Joe Pesci in ' Home Alone, Harlan Williams and Horshack from Welcome Back Mr. Kotter ' ..... ' and poof! you got Shawn Shultz' manager.... He was fantastic.... He acted like someone gave a rabid squirrel cocaine.... He kept on shouting out ' we're winning ' when Shultz was put in a compromising position and then someone would shout out ' no you're not! ' and he'd scream back ' we're ahead on points! ' haha.... I like that creativity.... He also won me over when he attacked Boyce behind the ref's back, and when the ref questioned him about the attack on Boyce, he quickly showed the ref that his hands were in his jacket pocket.... The guy was a treat!

Matt Boyce wore Superman inspired tights into the ring and tried sliding into it and almost slid directly into the ringpost and off the side.... Which, suits him right.... You're wearing Superman inspired tights.... I fucking loathe Superman!!! Can we talk about this for a second?! Good, you really have no other option, but to let me rant....

Superman.... What a lousy clown of a Superhero.... The man is supposed to be some super fucking alien from outer space who can do anything and everything.... But..... Don't get him around green rocks, because he'll die.... A ROCK!!!! A GODDAMN MINERAL!!!! Superman?! How about ' MediocreMan ' ..... A mineral, are you kidding me?! And then you couple that with the fact that he's a goddamn alien, he's not even human, and you couple that with the fact he has no flaws, how the hell am I supposed to relate to this guy?! You can't... Because I have flaws, I'm not an alien and green rocks don't kill me, unless they're thrown at my skull with some sort of tyrannosaurus rex - like force.... And I don't hang around a bunch of clownshoe morons who are easily confused about who I am, because I can put glasses on my face.... And somehow that is the greatest disguise in the world.... Fuck Superman! Batman is the shit.... Superman IS shit.... Matt Boyce deserved any accident that befell him for wearing those ridiculous trunks into the ring....

Boyce won the match and honestly, this match was really good.... Could have easily been the best match on the card in my opinion. These guys knew how to work each other and seemed really at ease....

Texas Tornadoes Vs. The Colorado Kid and Brian Christopher

Weird... Brian Christopher looked a lot like JP Magnum and didn't act like he just snorted catnip and someone set his pubes on fire..... Oh! that's because it was JP Magnum..... Guess, Christopher no showed, which I called well in advance, but still... A little announcement or a statement would have been nice.... Explain why Magnum is replacing Christopher.... Get Aaron Camaro to make an announcement like ' Because the promoters were not able to score catnip for Christopher to snort, nor were they able to find a lighter to set his pubes on fire, nor were they able to secure some mad cow diseased beef for him to eat, nor were they able to capture enough farts in a glass bottle from Bonnie Baldwin, for him to huff... Brian Christopher will not be coming out... He said that if he cant have all these things, he cannot act like a complete and utter clown in the ring, like he usually does, and doesn't want to disappoint his FAN, so.... We decided to replace him with the closest thing possible.... * insert an eye roll here, for obvious sarcasm * , JP Magnum ' .... See how easy that is?!

This match was sloppy as hell.... Mainly because The Colorado Kid is still The Colorado Kid and JP Magnum continued to look totally lost.... Maybe they were able to secure the Bonnie Baldwin Jar Of Farts, for him to Huff, but instead of it making him act like Christopher, it just really made him sick to his stomach and completely discombobulated.... ?!

People were asking where The Colorado Kid had been for the past few years.... I have my theories.... This dude looked just like he did 11-12 years ago.... I bet he was cryogenically frozen in Prentice's basement with Liberace and a life sized homeade robot of Clay Aiken.... I mean he wore the jacket, the boots and tights, just like he did when he was MCW champion.... Sure, his face looked like a Rand McNally roadmap, but it was like seeing a ghost! His sequined jacket had seen better days.... little sparkly sequins were missing and ratty strings were hanging off and his boots had stains on them from ages ago and his tights had little fuzzballs all over them.... And in my head, I kept thinking, that Bert probably dry humped his cryogenically frozen body for years and years and years.... And that's why the clothes were so battered and torn.... I could see him getting unfrozen before this match and as he thaws out he's like ' hey, why is my attire so dishevveled?! ' and Prentice is like ' Oh, you were a heavy sleeper with bad dreams while you were frozen, always tossing and turning and having night terrors! ' .... The Clay Aiken robot turns on and in a feminine robot voice says ' That's not true ' .... Prentice yells at the Clay Aiekn robot while throwing his Dom Deluise hat at it ' Shut your goddamn gay robot mouth! ' .... And then the Clay Aiken robot, much like R2D2 from ' Star Wars ', projects a video from his eyes onto the floor in front of a thawing Colorado Kid and Prentice and it shows Bert sneaking into the basement and dry hump-raping a sleeping Colorado Kid.... Bert can be heard yelling out ' Save Me ObiColoradoNobi, you're my only hope! ahhhhhhhhh yesssssss! ' ..... Bert picks up his Dom Deluise hat and starts beating the Clay Aiken robot upside his head with it, while smiling and nervously laughing at The Colorado Kid ' damn dysfunctional gay robots! they sure don't make them like they used to! ' .... At which point a thawing Liberace shouts ' Can a brotha get some goddamn shut eye down here?! Jesus?! you dryhump-raped the kid.... admit it, move on, and shut the fuck up! gay robots don't lie! ' .....

The Texas Tornadoes looked like Andy Douglas and Wade Barrett.... Well, the Dollar Store versions of them.... You know, like when you go to the Dollar Store and you're like ' I want some doritos ' and instead have to settle for ' Quazy Lupe's Spicy Tortilla Snacks! ' .... If you squinted really hard, you could convince yourself that you were watching Andy Douglas and Wade Barrett tagging up to take on The Colorado Kid and JP Magnum....

This match was sloppy as hell... Seeing a pattern here from JP Magnum matches....

Betcha can't guess who won?!

It's a Prentice show... With Colorado Kid on it.... There's two choices about what happened.... And one isn't 'lost'

I did have a good laugh at The Colorado Kid coming out to ' My Town ' and then everyone cheering when he claimed Nashville as ' HIS ' town..... He's called the goddamn Colorado Kid.... Come on people!

Steve-O MY GOD vs. Shane Williams

Pssshewwwww.....

Why do I call him Steve-O MY GOD!? ....

Easy.... That's what I called him when I noticed this dude has a tramp stamp.....

I was like ' that's Steve-O MY GOD, he's got a tramp stamp!? ' .....

This guy was a complete mess.... First, did he mug The Amazing Red for his ring attire?! Pretty sure he did.... So, if you see The Amazing one, let him know that the fat man with a tramp stamp is the one who stole his attire....

A Tramp Stamp on a dude....

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!

Anyways, this guy was blown up in this match after 2 minutes.... He had stretch marks and what looked to be painted on abs, which is ridiculous, if that was the case, because putting painted on abs on his bulbous stomach is like putting racing stripes on a Geo Metro.... Me and my friend both commented about how blown up he was after maybe 5 minutes and his Belly Button kept on going in and out, and I told him it reminded me of the Space Worm in Star Wars that tried to swallow the millenium falcon....

And... He had a tramp stamp. I hope to holy hell, this guy has a story for that.... Like it was his dying grandma's wish for him to get a tramp stamp or it was a hazing incident while he was drunk and there's pending legal action or that he saved a centaur's life on another planet and this is the stamp they give you as a showing of their appreciation.....

You might think I'm blasting this guy....

And, I am.... I mean, I just don't get the appeal of this guy.... He was sloppy in the ring, which I can understand when you're wrestling for two.... Since, it seemed he was in his second trimester, but the people went crazy for him.... And I'm left aghast at the reaction....

I felt bad for Shane Williams.... He had to carry him, it seemed, because he was huffing and puffing so much that Jeff Hardy puffing a blunt and the Big Bad Wolf from The Three Little Pigs were both laughing about how much he was huffing and puffing....

Shane won when he covered him with his feet on the ropes to win the Gulas Cup.... The humble and limelight shy, George Gulas * insert eye roll here * , came to the ring and presented Shane with the Gulas cup after some long spiel about how his dad wouldn't have been proud of the ending and that he was giving the cup to Shane, but there would be a rematch soon and some NWA official was there too, but I don't know who he was, as he sounded like Charlie Brown's mom on the microphone.... Basically, Shane just ripped the cup out of Gulas' hands to end this horrible promo, then Steve-O wanted a rematch right then and right there, even though I think he was going into labor and stroking out at the same time, while receiving oxygen, and then Shane cut a promo saying he was going to reinvent wrestling and give the fans what they want.... Which at this point, I wanted him and Aaron Camaro to come over, work some magic on my brain to make me forget I just saw a dude with a tramp stamp wrestle....

Next match was the Midgets....

Mini Mexx vs. Lil Chris

Mini Mexx resembles a shrunken Eddie Guerrero and wears tights and barks like Rick Steiner and Lil Chris looks like an escaped Oompa.... Hair and Face, just like them.... Ridiculous....

Match was the typical midget match.... funny laughs and shenanigans galore....

The Ref, Jesse Fields got the win, when Lil Chris pushed him over on top of Mini Mexx.....

Fields retracted the decision, continued the match and Lil Chris picked up the win....

BIG WRESTLEMANIA INTERMISSION .....

Bert announced that for a dollar you could buy a ticket for a chance to win TWO Wrestlemania tickets.... For years, I've railed on people who were suckers and bought into Bert's raffles, but this was too good to pass up! However, I let my friend go up and buy my ticket and he bought his... I had to save some of my dignity....

I didn't expect to win, just thought I'd enter for the chance.... But there were some people there dropping AT LEAST 20 dollars on the chance to win these tickets...

And who winds up winning?!

A Bert Employee....

Bonnie Baldwin....

I thought there were rules against employees winning contests and competitions that there employers put on.... I mean, you ALWAYS hear these disclaimers.... But yet, here we were.... And it wasn't just the fact she worked for Bert.... It was the fact he took a ticket, which has ' ticket ' and a number on it, and goes ' oh my god. it's bonnie baldwin ' .... How did he knows this, from a number?!

It was explained.... After a small kid, shouted out that it was a sham.... Bert, looking like Charlie Sheen getting caught with his hand in a crazy pill jar, acts indignantly and shouts off on the mic about how for weeks, people were allowed to buy tickets and he told people to put their names on the back of the tickets....

All well and good, only he left out that detail when people bought their tickets that night.... Not to mention, that common sense tells you that he picked up the ticket that he saw with her name on it and claimed she won.... Because, in any fair raffle, everyone should be held to the same standard.... If he told people to put their names on it one night, he should have told them to do it the other night... of course, we are talking about Bert Prentice here....

Like I said, I could really care less.... It's a dollar... nothing lost, nothing gained.... But, I feel bad for the people who spent 20 dollars and more of their disposable income, when let's face it, that was probably grocery money, and used it for a chance, a once in a lifetime chance, to go to Wrestlemania.... Because, EVEN IF, everything was on the up and up, which with Bert is like saying ' EVEN IF Bert is totally straight and never sucked a dick... ' .... It gives off a bad impression.... So bad, that some fans started booing....

I laughed my head off, because for years I was like ' I'll never participate in a Bert Prentice raffle, because the man is a charlatan! he's the ultimate hustler! A snookerer to end all snookerers! ' and then I give in and participate.... I went against everything I hold holy and wind up getting hustled by a man that could probably sell shit to sewer

The rest of the night was a blur, as it was approaching midnight....

Ace Rockwell Vs. Jeff Daniels for the Southern NWA Championship

Ace Rockwell, was not aptly named.... Nothing Ace about him.... Maybe ' Ass ' would be more appropriate.... He got hardly any offense in, in between numerous rest holds and then in the end hits an out of nowhere RKO and gets the win...

Nice belt....

The Crippler wants a rematch, mysteriously shook his hand without attacking him and walked off....

I hate to say this, as I love Jeff Daniels, but this match was shitty.... It was Stadium Inn Restroom Stall Number 2 shitty....

Chase Steven Vs. Tommy Mercer

Last Match....

Never seen Mercer wrestle in person, but he's pretty impressive.... I could see Vince snapping him up someday and saving him from TNA....

This was a good match, as I expected.... I found out why Chase wears a bandana ALL THE TIME... It got ripped off and his receding hairline was highly evident.... It's age, brother... Just accept it... I put on some poundage and had to shave my head just to keep some semblance of dignity.... My friend, when I told him Chase should shave his head, replied ' then he'd look like Nick Hogan ' .... Never thought about it, but after he said that, I agreed....

Cool spot in the crowd with these two as chairs were demolished as Chase was thrown into them and Mercer got whipped into them.... The ending top this match was entirely weird...

Rudy gets knocked out by Mercer on accident.....Paul Bearer's/Undertaker's music hits and he comes out, walks around the ring, distracts Chase, Mercer suplexes him, both of their shoulds are on the mat... Jesse Fields hit the ring, Rudy wakes up... simultaneous three count.... refs argue, then Porter comes out, says he needs to send the tape to the NWA officials for their decision, even though Gulas said an NWA official was with him earlier when he presented the Gulas cup to Shane....

I don't know... I mean, I get it, you pull Bearer out, it's good for the fans, but it did absolutely nothing for storyline and left me scratching my head like ' wtf was that all about?! ' ....

Chase and Tommy agree to a rematch for the, what?! 500th time?! As if this hasn't been settled many times over already.... I'd love to see Shane Williams get involved in this feud, I think that would be money....

Quick Notes

- Loved the fact Rudy was the head ref.... And Jesse Fields was the other ref... Both are professional looking and do an excellent job, both at being a ref and selling the wrestlers moves on each other....

- Chickenhat is always prepared as he had his pants rolled up past his ankles, because of the rain.... I made a joke about it flooding and then was quick to notice that there were actually buckets in the rows of seats to catch the rain from the leaking roof, so maybe he is smarter than us all afterall?!

- Chickenhat almost shit his pants, which I should add the word ' more ' to ' shit his pants ', when he won the raffle for the Gulas OSW wrestling shirt signed by the stars there... when his number was announced, he started screaming ' YEAH!!! YAY!!! YEAH!!! YAY!!! ' and waved his ticket in the air and came rushing to the ring to claim his prize.... In a way, it was like watching a redneck version of the price as right.... I have dibs that shirt never gets washed and he probably masturbated into it last night....

- Lots of lazy eyes in attendance.... I'm scared by these... they're always rolling around and looking freaky as hell.... I guess trying to understand promoter logic on indy shows, makes an eyeball go crazy....

- Replica Belts.... Please, people... Can we stop wearing these to indy shows.... No one is going to confuse you for the WWE Champion.... Although, if you find me at a show and you go up to someone with a replica belt and ask them, seriously, ' hey brother, who'd you beat for that belt ?! ' ... I'll give you a dollar...

- Overall it was a good show. It was fun to see Bert being Bert.... It was good to see a good turnout for Porter.... I give these promoters a lot of shit, but I gotta give it to them. That was one of the most professionally ran shows I've seen in awhile... you know, outside of being snookered out of wrestlemania tickets....

- If I was Porter, I'd change the every Thursday night matches.... It's a shitty night.... Run it on Friday night.... Trust me, if I had a choice between that and Stadium Inn, I'm going to Main Event.... No offense to Falk, but comparing the NWA Arena to The Stadium Inn is like comparing Steve-O's tits to Leah Hulans....

Hit me up.... thebro1869@yahoo.com I don't bite. I'm nice. I like to talk.



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