My Conversation with Dixie Carter on How To Improve TNA

“ Dixie! Hey sweetheart, come here and have a seat next to The Bro, we need to have a chat… “ I say as I brush the dust off the seat next to me and gently pat it with my hand in a “ please sit “ fashion….

“ Bro, I don’t think so, I have a restraining order against you and frankly I’ve read those blogs and…. I’d probably violate my own order because sweet jumping baby jesus, you’re sexy! “ She says and she bites nervously on her fingertips and bats her eyelashes in a provocative and playful manner….

“ Dixie, my dear…. The Bro wants to have a serious conversation with you, please indulge me and have a seat…. “ I say as I look at her matter of factly so she understands my seriousness….

“ Ok…. But just remember, I’m not to be held liable if I start dry humping any part of your anatomy…. “ She says as she comes close to sit

“ Will Do! “ I say as I smile warmly….

She sits down next to me…. And two little angels appear above her head, playing harps and singing a joyous hymn as a ray of sunshine beams from out of the clouds onto our little bench…. They vanish soon after as the conversation begins….

“ Dixie, first let me say you’re looking mighty sexy today…. “

“ Thank you Bro, but I thought you wanted to have a serious conversation “ She says

“ I do! “ I say quickly

“ Well then, why did you quickly shove your hand under my ass right before I sat down “ she says as I look down and notice that I did indeed slid my hand underneath her ass as she sat down….

I sheepishly grin and pull my hand away

“ It was my tourette’s acting up, total mistake! “ I say as I immediately pull my fingers to my nose and start sniffing like a dog sniffing his food….

She slaps me on the shoulder and yells out “ you’re disgusting! “

“ you’re right “ I agree…. Then stop sniffing…. Turn my attention to her again and start to get into the subject at hand

“ Dixie…. There’s a problem I’ve noticed and a solution I can help you with “ I say seriously

“ I’m listening “ she replies with an open and gentle face

“ you see…. Your problem is the fact you’re stuck in a “ going nowhere “ relationship and you know this…. You don’t want to face it, but deep down in your heart, right behind those perfect soccer mom breasts, you know there’s a huge problem…. “

“ I don’t understand…. I’m happily married and when I want you I just close my eyes and pretend you're my husband “ She says, as I interrupt

“ Shhhhhh, Shhhh, just listen “ I say as I put my finger to her lips to silence her….

“ this relationship that is going nowhere has nothing to do with a romantic relationship…. I’m talking about a business relationship…. The relationship you have with Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan and several other talents from the 80’s and 90’s…. “ I say as I notice I’m slowly inserting my finger in and out of her mouth in a very suggestive manner....

I shake my head and apologize “ sorry, gotta control those moments, because this is a serious conversation “

She nods as I continue….

“ the relationship is going absolutely nowhere…. Your ratings are holding steady with just a slight increase with the entrance of the ECW guys, and honestly, if you want truths and facts, Eric Bischoff is humiliating your company with his antics and considering more than 60 percent of your audience are the exact people he lambastes weekly on his facebook and blog, I’m surprised and shocked that you still have that large of an audience “

“ What do you mean ? “ She asks quizzically as she shakes her head in a non-understanding fashion as stars and gold dust float down from her heavenly follicles….

“ Look, when you brought in Hogan and Bischoff, you expected I’m sure, for ratings to increase exponentially, correct? “ I ask

“ Yes “ she says … “ that was why we chose to invest with them in the company “ …. She says

“ Correct and since they have been there…. What has happened? The ratings have stalled…. They’ve been consistently hovering around a .90 to 1.10 with a few anomalies along the way, but those are the norm…. And look at how much money you’re investing into them…. They said they would take you to Monday nights and compete with the WWE…. And look what happened… That venture ended about as quickly as the virginity of a 15 year old ringrat in the presence of James Storm…. It was a failure…. You’re investing money into a failing proposition… There’s no denying the fact that Bischoff and Hogan are legends in this industry and deserve their rightful place in the lore of this grand sport…. But being let loose to run this company that you own and exert their will and influence upon it, is just a stock heading straight down, and there’s no end in sight…. The American wrestling watching public does not want to see them anymore. As a whole, they don’t want to see Sting or Jeff Jarrett, they’re not interested in Kevin Nash anymore, unless it’s behind the booth at a convention signing autographs… Don’t believe me? Numbers don’t lie…. Nothing has changed from the moment you guys hired them…. NOTHING…. And a case could be made, and probably made very well, that the shows have actually gotten worse since their arrival…. “

I take a deep breath and collect my thoughts…. She has tears in her eyes….

“ Look, I don’t want you to cry…. “ I say as she interrupts

“ I’M NOT CRYING BECAUSE YOU’RE HURTING MY FEELINGS! I’m crying because what you said was correct…. But what do you expect me to do? Leave them? Let them go? Throw away all this money that I have invested and just act like this never happened? You know what the buyout clause is on those contracts? And why are you sniffing my underarms!? “ She says as she pushes my head away….

“ mmmm peanut butter….. just like I suspected! “ I say with my finger in the air….

I quickly gather my thoughts with a retort….

“ Yes….let them go… pay their buyouts on the contracts, if that’s what it takes, but a failing investment, is a failing investment…. Have you ever seen a colossal trainwreck?! Bloody bodies lying amid torn pieces of metal and steel…. A coroner puking his guts up overlooking the carnage… Total mayhem and destruction…. You ever seen that? “ I ask….

“ No… sounds horrible though “ she says as she shudders….

“ Well you’re about too, because that’s what is going to happen to TNA if you continue to rely on these guys to “ help “ you with your company…. But, if you want quick, first hand accounts, just pick up a phone and call Ted Turner and ask how he liked seeing the company he presided over for most of its time being ran completely into an oncoming train…. “ I tell her….

“ you know what one the definitions of insanity is? It’s the process of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome…. Which is what is happening with the Hogan/Bischoff experiment…. How many companies will they ruin and take to the depths of the ratings? Will your company be one of them? Will you let it be one of them? “ I ask concerned….

She shakes her head as little fireworks shoot from her golden mane and a unicorn peaks his head from out of a curl….

“ Then let them go…. Bischoff is an embarrassment who ridicules and chastises your core audience, the internet, with such disdain and vitriol, because he sees the writing on the wall, but wants to quickly paint over it before you see it…. Their time is over…. They know it, the majority of the wrestling world knows it…. And deep down, beneath those luscious milfy breasts, in your heart, you know it…. Let them go…. “

“ Let’s say I let them go…. What was the solution you’re talking about? “ she asks

“ Ah, glad we got to this point…. My solution is simple and it’s one, I’ve heard you’ve given a lot of consideration too, but I think you just need to open up the door fully, invite him in, give him access to the kitchen and the pantry…. And let him run your company, your house, the way he sees fit…. “ I say

“ You’re talking about Paul Heyman right? “ she asks

“ Correct you are, madame “ I say as I pull a life size picture of Paul Heyman out from behind our bench and place it in front of you….. “ I’m talking about this man right here! “ I say beaming proudly….

“ It’s a little disconcerting that you have a lifesize picture of Paul Heyman at your disposal, but whats even more troubling is the fact you just got a boner when you pulled that out….

I look down and quickly put my hands over my lap and turn red with embarrassment and ask sheepishly “ you wanna take care of that for me?! Hmmmm “ as I bat my eyes ….

“ later, maybe…. But for now, continue “ she says as she waves me on

“ Mae Young cracking lobster tails in the nude as the juice from the lobster tails cascade down her old, wrinkly, saggy, boobs.... "

“ what?! “ she asks with a disgusted look on her face

“ oh sorry, I was just thinking of something to get my boner to go down…. And look it worked! “ I say as I jump up and point to my crotch “

I clear my throat as she nods unenthusiastically

“ Look, this guy gets it. He’s always gotten it…. He knows what it takes to make a company thrive. He’s forward thinking…. He’s “ Avatar “ and you guys have been “ Back to the Future “ …. The reason his company failed in the past was because he tried to do everything by himself and he was terrible at the financial end of things…. Two things, you can help him with…. You give him full control of the day to day “ wrestling “ side of your company and you take care of the day to day “ business “ side of your company…. If money is a problem, well that’s easy… you go through your roster, immediately cut the dead weight, which you have more of than Simon Diamonds waistline, and lets face it he’s going to cut these same guys anyways and put that money, coupled with the money you save from NOT paying those two catheter bags and put it all in a Brinks truck, drive it up to his front yard and leave it there with a “ Welcome to TNA, I’m Begging You “ sign….. “

“ It all sounds so easy…. You know, like me after two glasses of wine “ She says and winks

“ That’s because it is “ I say as I sip from my wine glass and hand her the other….

“ where did you get that? You haven’t even moved from this bench?! “ She asks and laughs then declines my offer….

“ Look, Dixie…. What have you got to lose? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING…. Your ratings are beyond pathetic, they have been…. No one of importance is going to stop watching your show if Hogan and Bischoff are not there, because quite frankly, no one cares in the grand scheme of things…. When was the last time they even did something meaningful or impactful on TV? Hogan acting like he loved ECW? PUHLEASE, was that a comedy act? …. Bischoff coupling himself up with Miss Tessmacher, for a reason we all know * cough * pervert * cough * “ …..

“ LIKE YOU’RE NOT! “ she interrupts…..

“ Eh, I like to consider myself a salacious rapscallion…. “ I say with my chin in the air, feigning dignity….

“ HA ! “

“ To finish my point…. You’re not going to lose any viewers, and chances are, you will gain them when they hear this news, because like him or hate him, people know that Heyman has a brain that was built for wrestling…. He will scour your roster and find the gems that are hidden, the future superstar who is languishing in the shadows of some geriatric has been…. He’s made stars out of stardust…. He’s taken shows that were unwatchable and made them entertaining…. He’s what I call a wrestling flipper…. He comes in, looks at the disastrous shape your wrestling company is in, and uses his expertise to flip it and make it entertaining again…. He will take what you have and make it more compelling, more enjoyable and more profitable…. And he’ll do all this without you having to add every useless castoff from Connecticut…. He’ll do this without having to hop in the DeLorean with a Mason Jar and trying to capture some lost magic from 1999 in it like some lightning bug… He’s the answer…. You know what has to be done, so do it…. “ I say as I pat the lifesize picture in front of us….

“ and what do you want out of all of this ? “ she asks….

“ two things…. “ I say

“ I’m listening “

“ first…. I want the ability to have you, at the whim and fancy of myself, available for handjobs at any time…. I say this, because I respect marriage and this is not cheating! If you want to wear gloves, so you don’t feel AS BAD and dirty, well I’m sure we can negotiate “

“ oh boi “ she says and rolls her eyes

“ oh boi is right! Secondly…. I’d like to ask that you keep Vince Russo on the payroll still and buy a leather recliner and place it on a gold throme right behind Mike Tenay and Taz and have him sit there, every show, eating cheetos and drinking beer.... And everytime Tenay and Taz says something stupid Russo just tosses cheetos at their heads and throws his empty beer cans at them too “

“ that would probably be a lot of cheetos and beer, considering they say a lot of stupid and over dramatic things “ she replies

“ that’s the point… maybe they’ll stop after awhile…. And this also ensures that my idol in wrestling, still makes money and does nothing but eat cheetos, drink beer and berate Mike Tenay and the yambagger…. “ I say smiling

“ So…. Simple as that…. handjobbies and Vince Russo earning money for not doing anything, all because you idolize him? “

“ that’s pretty much it “ I say as I twirl the wine around in my wine glass in front of her, raising my eyebrows up and down in a tempting manner

“ SOLD! “ she saysand Fistpumps abound!

And that’s how it should be done!

thebro1869@yahoo.com

*fictional story, of course