WWE Capitol Punishment Review

Cena Indicates with his hand how many times Mike Chioda Masturbates to Him in a single day..... 5 time!

WWE Capitol Punishment Review.....

Sometimes watching WWE is like watching your senile grandfather babble on and on about how he wrestled ‘ Cowboy Bob Orton, Randy’s Daddy ‘ everytime he watches wrestling with you and spots Randall on TV…. He says it with such enthusiasm and glee that you humor him by going ‘ oh really?! That’s really awesome! ‘, like it’s the first time you ever heard that, despite it being the 500^th time…. THAT MONTH….

But, you act that way, because you love him and don’t want to hurt his feelings….

Like, my anticipation for ‘ Capitol Punishment ‘ last night…. I put on a good front, but deep down, I knew it would end up being like my grandfather, overall…. Repeating the same old tired horseshit ….

And, because I love my grandfather more than the WWE, I would never put my grandfather on blast…. Mainly because I love him, but also because I don’t wanna get called a bunch of names of varying degrees of vitriolic vulgarity….

But, with the WWE….. It’s time to take the mangy, old, senile beaver to the beaver pelt maker and end it….

I’ll just hit bullet points in this review, because really, it’s almost painful to relive the very astutely named ‘ Capitol PUNISHMENT ‘ ….

- So, let me get this right…. A few years ago, we had ‘ Austin 3:16 ‘ and ‘ SUCK IT! ‘ and ‘ Can You Smell What The Rock Is Cooking ‘ and ‘ What Does Everybody Want?! ‘ and ‘ I’m an Ass Man!!! ‘ …. And now we get the ending to a PPV where John Cena brings a toddler… a goddamn toddler in the ring and celebrates with him for the assist in retaining his WWE Title?!?! To borrow the very profound statement, I’ve heard uttered many times ‘ Who booked this shit ?! ‘ …. Make fun of Russo all you want, but I bet the man was sitting in a room somewhere, eating a 12 bagger of White Castles, laughing his head off at the end of that PPV, while onions and pieces of beef littered the screen and his shirt screaming out ‘ And they think I’m the worst Writer?! nigga please! ‘ ….

Look, I know that Vince wanted to go ‘ PG ‘ …. I get it…. However, there’s a healthy balance between TV-MA and TV-PG…. What happened last night was like I hopped into Dixie Carter’s Delorean Time Machine and we went in the future to witness what wrestling is going to be like if something is not done….

‘ Disney Channel and the Cast of Wizards of Waverly Place Present : WWE’S Capitol Punishment 2015 ‘ ….. and, see…. We don’t really have to go THAT far in the future to witness this….

Pathetic….

This effectively buried R-Truth forever…. Which, is fine. I never dug him, but I have to feel bad for him with the way they made him look last night…. How can you take a guy seriously again who got assaulted by a kid, that immediately led to him losing the match?! Company Wide Conspiracy?! Hardly…. Company Wide Lunacy?! INDEED….

Someone asked me what I thought of R-Truth’s Character…. My honest answer was ‘ R-Truth is like some mad scientists creation…. If you blended Psycho Sid’s and Eugene ’s DNA together with a booth from the flea market that sold airbrushed items and ROCCA wear, you’d get R-Truth…. ‘ …. Think about it….

Rey Mysterio…. I really could never put into words, the hatred I feel burning inside my gullet everytime I see Rey Mysterio on TV…. My kids know this, so they always ask me questions like ‘ If Satan fought Rey Mysterio and if Satan won, everyone would go to hell, would you pull for Rey then?!?!?!?!?! ‘ ….

To which my answer is simply…. ‘ Where can I buy The Dark Lord’s Merchandise? WWEshop.com have it readily available yet?! ‘ …. They laugh and think I’m joking….

I’m not….

‘ How many times has Rey changed his moveset in the last ten years!? ‘ …. The homeless guy in the corner that is passed out in the corner in a pile of his own shit and piss, comatose and being nibbled on by a rat, answered that question without even being cognizant or conscious….

00000000000000000000000000000000000 times…..

So, the fact that Punk beat him last night, was a true mark out moment for me…. I totally did not expect that….And cleanly on top of it, to boot?! Solid…..

I love Alberto Del Rio as much as the next guy…. However, last night did him no favors…. It was nice to see the World’s Strongest Slam be used to destroy Hugo and Carlos’ table of Hispanic Doom, but it ultimately just wound up being a time filler….. Plus, did anyone notice Show selling the wrong leg?! Another great booking move!

Brilliant!

During this match and the Ezekiel/Barrett match, I was thinking of a weird premise….

Hear me out….

I think the WWE needs to grandfather in certain superstars…..

Such as The Undertaker…. Obviously the character is massively over and that’s why the WWE is holding onto it as long as possible…. But, why not let Mark retire and have someone new fill The Undertaker’s shoes?!

They could grandfather in a New DX too, because let’s face it, they are a merchandising machine…. And, this is where ultimately my idea came from…. I was listening to Luke on a recent podcast…. ( www.inyourheadonline.com ) and the guy sold me on him…. I was against him to begin with, just with his shithead attitude…. But, after this interview, I realized, he’s not cocky AT ALL, he just believes in himself so much, that it comes across that way….

Anyways, sitting there listening, I came up with the idea that Luke and Jeremiah from Touch Enough, would be the perfect people to take over the DX label…. They obviously are shitheads together, they love to goof around and they generally like each other and have a good rapport with each other that you can’t really manufacture….

Eh, it’s just an idea….

And now we return you back to the shittiest, shit filled review of the shitty.... WWE Capitol Punishment….

The Rose has come back to grace Barrett’s tights again… Any coincidence this happens the same time he becomes irrelevant?!

I think not!

Ezekiel won the belt, but really? Does anyone care?! Is this going to bring out the REAL Zeke, is he going to all of a sudden blossom into a top level superstar?! Is he going to be able to cut a coherent promo that won’t make the Ultimate Warrior look like Chris Jericho on the mic, in comparison?!

No!

I literally could grab the mic and scream out ‘ I just took a HUGE dump and when I wiped my ass, there were blood streaks on the toilet paperrrrrrrrrrr!!! ‘ and flex and scream like Zeke and people would cheer for me… Mainly out of fear…..

Can we just go ahead and discuss Orton/Christian?!

First, let me say this….

FUCK Mike Chioda…..

This guy is nothing but a clown…. He is constantly screwing the heels over in every match and going out of his way to make sure faces get the win, no matter what…. I consider him to be a worse problem in WWE than both Cena or Orton…. I want to form the Committee to Cut Off Mike Chioda’s Tits ….. Because, let’s face it, the dude has no balls... He’s nothing but a big shitdick.....

How can the writers sit there and feed a line of bullshit, a few months ago, with Chioda going on blind assumption in the Miz/Cena match that Miz used a belt, just because Alex Riley dropped it in the ring, that it had somehow been used to knock out Cena with…. He saw nothing to give him this impression…. Only the fact that the belt fell out of Riley’s hands when he raised the Miz’s….. Which, was a common occurrence at the time…. Anytime, the Miz won, Riley would always grab the belt, and get in the ring to celebrate with him…. But, on this occasion, without even looking at a replay of the final seconds of the match, Chioda just overturns the decision and gives the belt back to Cena, thus leading ultimately to the Miz/Riley feud….

And then we get last night….

Christian’s foot is clearly under the ropes as soon as Chioda gets in position…. Yet, he makes a three count, awarding the match to Orton…. If, we’re going off past experiences here, Chioda should just take Christians word and re-start the match… But, did that happen?! No…. TurkeyDick Orton got to walk out with the title, YET AGAIN…..

If I were Christian, I would have held up a finger, in a ‘ Hold on, I’ll be right back ‘ fashion, ran out of the ring, up the ramp and to the back…. Then come back down the ramp, wearing a Cena facemask.... Climb into the ring and then state my case… It would have surely resulted in a restart of the match and, because of Chioda’s undying and unending infatuation with all things Cena, he probably would have just awarded the belt to Christian, thinking it was Cena….

It must be hard to ref a match for Cena, when you’re Chioda…. I mean, I would think you’d have to duct tape that boner up, otherwise it would snap off when you hit the mat to make the three count…. And, let’s not just limit this to Cena, he does this with all the faces….

He’s a problem…. And trust me, this is another thing my kids hear me go on rants about…. I have a notepad with Chioda’s stats and how long it takes him to make three counts for heels, as opposed to faces…. On average, he makes a three count for the faces, in half the time he does for the heels…. Also, the amount of time he spends to ‘ get in position ‘ to make a three count for a heel, doubles that, on average, to the time it takes him to ‘get into position’ for the faces…..

My daughter laughs when I go on this tangent and grabs my notebook and holds it up and goes ‘ THIS! Is why you DON’T have a girlfriend! ‘ …. I laugh it off, then go cry in the bathroom going ‘ she’s right ‘ into the mirror while punching my framed picture of Mike Chioda with the word ' shithead ' written in marker over him….

I wish Hebner was back… Sure, he was awful and looked like a ref got sick at a WWE show and the WWE was scrambling to find a replacement, and when one of creative was outside on a smoke break, they saw Hebner walking around aimlessly with a HUGE Tape Deck Walkman on his hip and headphones on singing ‘ ABC 123 ‘ while huffing paint thinner, but at least the dude was fair and called it right down the line…..

Except for that time in Montreal ….. Yeah…. Well, anyways, everyone knows Bret deserved it….

So, Orton won and guess how many times Orton has lost in a PPV this year, in a one on one match?!

Give it up to the homeless guy in the corner again, who won, because the rat that was eating his finger, started nibbling and tugging at his fingers, holding up one solo finger……

Yep, once….

RIDIC….

I’m jaded…. I’m bitter…. I’m a Christian mark…. I always thought he was the better of Edge and Christian, so I’m biased…. But, he deserves better….

Bottom Line….

For those that want to question anyone getting pissed at WWE for having him drop the belt 5 days after Extreme Rules, can you tell me any reason why Christian couldn’t have held that belt until ‘ Over the Limit ‘?! Or what exactly WWE and Smackdown gained by putting the belt on Orton?!

If they were going for rapidly dropping viewership for Smackdown, then I could see your point, as per the trend of everytime Orton has the belt, the ratings have slipped and slipped and slipped…. Basically, they could take that ‘ Price of Right ‘ game where you try to guess the price of something before the yodeling swiss alp hiker goes over the edge….. Well, just reverse that, have him going downhill, yodeling and that’s a perfect representation of ratings everytime Orton gets the belt…. Numbers don’t lie people….

Have I said ' Fuck Chioda ' ?! Well, for good measure ' Fuck Mike Chioda! '

I can see this clown sitting at home, at a plastic kid table, with two stolen department store mannequins sitting in the seats at the table, with crudely cutout and taped pictures of Orton and Cena attached to the blank faces of the dummies... Chioda sits down and starts pouring tea into cups sitting in front of the two mannequins... and starts having conversations with them as if they're real.... He's got it bad....

I'll support anything that Ziggler is involved in.... The guy is the future of the WWE, if they push him correctly.... And, Kofi.... Well, I like to call his waist ' the place belts go to die ' .... Because, that's exactly what happens when he gains a title.... It dies... Noone cares about it any longer or remembers who is champion... He might be athletic and a good performer, but he gives the WWE Universe absolutely no reason to give a shit about him....

Alex Riley beat The Miz in the most anti-climatic match ever.... Everyone knew Miz was gonna give the Rub to Riley, so this match was just that... a Rub match.... Coincidentally, I like to use that term for when I look up AJ Lee pictures on the net.... That's not creepy, right?!

Swagger lost to Bourne, and this was stupid.... I don't understand the point of the feud, I don't understand why they always make Swagger look weaker than an emaciated and intoxicated Zach Gowen.... RIDICULOUS!!!

This might have been the shittiest PPV in history.... As said previously, ' December to Dismember ' is neck and neck with this one, but my god, was it horrible.... I felt like shouting out like J.R. in the DX vs. Rated RKO match at New Year's Revolution ' LORD HAVE MURDY!!!! ' .... I don't even know what that means, but this PPV made me want to shout that shit out.... Absolutely atrocious!