However….
If that genie wanted to be stubborn and actually play by the genie handbook, which clearly states....
– section 45, page 3, paragraph 13c –
‘ If person cashing in a wish, asks for more wishes, then all wishes shall be revoked and his soul cast into a lake of fire…. Or maybe just a small heated pond, since we’re genies and not the dark lord himself…. ‘
Then, I’d be forced to ask for the most pressing wish of all for S.A.W.
- The ability to make someone care about what they’re watching -
I sat down with my son to watch S.A.W. the other night, in between watching a WWE PPV on DVD and that is like going from watching the Yankees play in Yankee Stadium or the Red Sox playing in Fenway, to watching the local little league game at some sh*tty, run down field between two teams sponsored by a Bar B Que joint and a laundrymat….
And, that’s not to say that S.A.W. is not charming…. It is… Much like watching a little league baseball game…. But, for an outsider, such as my son, I understand how taxing this can be….
Why?!
They give you absolutely no reason to care about a match, unless you are an established SAW supporter and know all the wrestlers and storylines…. They just randomly throw a match on TV to start a show and you’re supposed to automatically be sold, 100 percent, on the action and the characters…. Michael Graham could have possibly stated the reason Chase Stevens was fighting some guy with the last name of ‘ Temper ‘ , but honestly, Michael Graham might has well of been reading the names and numbers from the phonebook or perhaps reading me a menu from a fine dining establishment, because he just puts me to sleep on commentary…..
I just don’t get it…. It’s like SAW is in a little world to itself, and it’s content to stay that way. Like that Stephen King book about the town that was placed inside a huge super bubble dome…. SAW is like that…. It has it’s core group of fans and it seems to only want to cater to them with their TV…. I don’t understand it…. Have some promos, have a video package showing why these two wrestlers are fighting…. Explain things, give people a reason to care…. Instead of just ‘ lets go to the ring… What’s This?! There’s two people fighting for unknown reasons…. ‘
If I’m just a casual TV watcher on a Saturday night, I immediately flip right past this stuff after watching it for 5 minutes…. Everything from Mr. Rogers, sans a cardigan, on commentary to the shitty local commercials to the two guys fighting in the ring that no one outside of chickenhat and his brood of DNA delinquents cares about, it’s just painful to watch…..
Not to mention the claims of it being ‘ live ‘ and everyone in attendance being in shorts and tank tops and a George Gulas promo where sunbeams are cascading across his sweater, when it’s 9 p.m. outside…. I mean, you have already insulted my intelligence by expecting anyone other than a 16 year old carrying a wrestlers child and screaming ‘ there my baby daddy!!! ‘ at the TV and chickenhat to care about the action on screen, you have to up the ante by claiming it’s ‘ live ‘ when clearly these matches were filmed in the summer….
It’s cool to have TV when you’re a wrestling company, but if you’re not going to put the best product out there, then why show it?! Or…. Here’s an idea… How about have some alternate things to show during that hour, if you’re not going to put a product out there that is indicative of the kind of things you will see if you bought a ticket currently to watch the show…. Unbeknown to Reno and the SAW TV staff, watching replays of matches that happened sometimes over a year ago, is no way to build your company and attract more fans…. Why?!
Because we don’t have a plutonium powered DeLorean time machine!!!!
So, if you’re not going to show current or even semi-current SAW programming, here are my suggestions for what to do with your paid hour of television….
- ' George Gulas Reads Shakespeare '…..
You think you’ve read Shakespeare?! THINK AGAIN!!!!! Because George will have you captivated and probably a little dumbfounded when he reads Shakespeare and mispronounces words and invents new ones you’ve never heard before….. It’s like Shakespeare, REBORN!....
- ‘ Can you get hired by Tony Falk?! ‘
A new reality show where we take hidden cameras and place them on people who want to be professional wrestlers and try to get hired by world famous promoter – Tony Falk….. Watch as people confined in wheelchairs and those missing limbs vie for a job in Tony Falk’s company as they outbid each other with how many ‘ paying customers ‘ each can bring….
- Fear Factor ‘ Stadium Inn ‘
We all love the hit show Fear Factor…. Now, watch as we take USWO and SAW fans and subject them to an hour of excruciating horror…. Who can survive an hour inside the Inn?! Only the strongest… As they’re locked in the dungeon bathrooms for 25 minutes, if they’re still sane by the time we unlock the doors, we make them stay in a room of the hotel and then have a CDC expert on hand... those who didn’t contract an STD, will then run the 4th floor gauntlet where junkies will try to stab you with hypodermic needles and whores try to bludgeon you to death with the heel of their stilettos while trying to pick pocket you….
Make it through all that and you’re our grand prize weekly winner…. With free admission to USWO, a Petey Wright used pair of ladies jeans, a meal voucher for TA truck centers and a used and sign Chickenhat Cosby sweater….
- ‘ He My Baby Daddy! ‘
A Maury Povich inspired show where underage pregnant ringrats claim which local wrestler impregnated them…. Instead of Maury, the show will be guest hosted by Shane Eden and James Storm on alternating weeks…. Every week a prominent and pregnant Nashville ringrat will claim that some local wrestler knocked her up….. After exclusive DNA evidence is revealed to show who the true father is, more times than not, it will probably one of our two guest hosts….
This show will only be thirty minutes as the following half hour will be filled with a show called
‘ Bandanazzzzzzzzzzzz ‘
It will be a show where Gary Valiant, Jeff Daniels, Chase Stevens and Arrick Andrews design a new bandana each week using arts and crafts, and then you call in, American Idol style, and vote for your favorite each week, with the bandana receiving the most votes being used at a show on the weekend by it’s respective wrestler…. The losers all have to seek out my cousin, and tie their losing bandanas to some appendage of his that is not adorned with them already…. And trust me folks, those areas aren’t very appealing…..
- ‘ Mr. Pastorius’ Neighborhood ‘
Instead of a cardigan sweater, he will be known for wearing douchebag vests and instead of welcoming kids into his neighborhood with a sunny disposition, he’ll instead welcome them to his neighborhood as follows
‘ Welcome the fuck to my goddamn neighborhood!!!!! Oh what a lovely fucking day, won’t you be my goddamn neighbor?! ‘
Hijinks and hilarity ensue each week
Also watch as each week Mr. Pastorius goes back in time with the help of his time traveling postman and share in the adventures of Marcus Pastorius as he crashes some of the biggest events in history and takes credit for and gives himself high fives for said events taking place…
Watch as Washington crosses the Potomac and Pastorius quickly paddles his way in a small fishing schooner, and blares Evanescence from a boombox and shouts from a megaphone ‘ this wouldn’t have been fucking possible without the goddamn help of me, Marcus Pastorius, Master Fucking Boat Maker! ‘
Watch as Martin Luther King delivers his ‘ I have a dream ‘ speech and Pastorius grabs the mic, slams a boombox on the mic stand and blares evanescence as he shouts ‘ I have a dream too!!!! To outdraw TNA in Nashville at the Fairgrounds Sports Arena in 2011…. THE goddamn future, bitches!!! ‘
Watch as Pastorius grabs the mic from Lincoln as he’s delivering the emancipation proclamation, slams his boombox of evanescence on the mic stand and screams into the mic ‘ I wrote this goddamn shit , check out my FUTURE vest bitches!!! '
All this and more on ‘ Mr. Pastorius’ Neighborhood
‘ Can Bert Prentice and Kid Kash Get Your Grandmother ‘
Weird title…. Easy concept…. The show will be devoted to Kid Kash staring at the TV screen and insulting your grandmother with a phone number flashing…. As soon as he antagonizes her to the point where she can’t resist, she will pick up the phone to let him know what a ' low down son of a bitch! ' he is….
But, picking up the phone instead is Bert Prentice, who will then try to sell your grandmother a raffle ticket, with her temper raised to the point of no reasoning…. Can Bert Prentice sell her a raffle ticket for a crushed box containing Scott Norton in his N.W.O. gear after Kid Kash has verbally brutalized her to the point of no return?! Watch as two master craftsmen dual it out…. Kash, the best antagonizing heel…. Prentice, the best raffle ticket seller…. Who will win?! Your grandmother will decide!!!!!
See, SAW….. Much more entertaining options than showing a match from early 2010 that bears no meaning on the current product….
And, I have million more ideas bouncing around in my brain…. All I ask for is executive producer credits…. And, hot vag to pound into oblivion....... Thank me later, SAW….
thebro1869@yahoo.com
Love it, and I hope local promoters not only read it, but take it to heart. My best guess: They might read it, tey probably won't understand it, and they'll quickly move on to thinking up a new gimmick match for this weekend. Only God knows why.
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