Tribute to the Fairgrounds Review

That picture is the perfect encapsulation of the magic of Kid Kash unleashed upon the Fairgrounds Sports Arena, this weekend.... That kid had the wrong finger up on both hands at first, in response to Kash, and his mother grabbed his hands and pulled them down... ' she's gonna smack them! ' I thought.... No... She only did what any reasonable person would do in this situation.... She showed him how to properly shoot the double bird.... #parentalsupervision!




Walking into the fairgrounds, I was greeted with that thick, musty, meaty aroma that I have loved to sniff in the air for years and years at the fairgrounds sports arena…. It was the familiar whiff of rotten asshole , old spice, unkempt and unsanitary vagina and smegma.....

Ah yes, it was good to be back at the Mecca, for a wrestling event…. A place where you don’t know if you’re going to see wrestling or if you’re standing in the middle of a convention of people who somehow escaped a late term abortion misshap….

A place where Chris Hansen could literally fill up three years worth of seasons for ‘ Dateline : To Catch a Predator ‘ …..

And a place where Wrestling should continue to be held at in Nashville….

Nothing beats the charm of the Fairgrounds sports arena…. Sure, we may all develop black lung or lung cancer from the asbestos coating the roof, but would any of us change it?!

No…..

We may all have our DNA permanently altered to where generation after generation of our family bloodlines after this will produce babies wearing gold necklaces, have hair that looks like marine animals should be rescued from, sport back acne that looks like a range of volcanic mountains and have faces that look like they should be contained in some circus owners formaldehyde filled glass jar, but would we change it?!

No…..

What I would change?!

Buying a VIP ticket to the event….

Sure, we got ringside reserved seats, and sure we got to meet the ‘ legends ‘ , but the only legend I wanted to meet – Jerry Lawler – and mainly it was only to get my kids the autograph, left before we even got to his table…. IF he was even there at all before the show….

Once being let into the arena, there was really no direction as to what line we should stand in to get autographs, so I just chose the longest line available and inched my way forward…..

After getting close, I saw that the line would actually take you all the way through a line of legends…. Starting with the biggest one of all * insert eye rolls here * Brian Christopher….

Brian Christopher has always just made me nervous…. Like, being within a 200 foot radius of the man, makes me get the nervous nellies…. He’s so over the top and ridiculous with his erratic hand motions and shouting, that one has to wonder if he was conceived after Jerry Lawler snorted a bag, of what he believed to be cocaine, but in fact was really just laundry detergent, dandruff and parmesan cheese…..

And this night was no different…. Yelling outloud and moving around like he was strapped to some electric body wrap that had some crazed madman shocking him sporadically while he was standing there….

I got to his table and he looked at me and I looked at him, and quickly I diverted my eyes to avoid confrontation…. But, he asked me if I wanted an autograph, I said ‘ no ‘ and it was like I somehow was in a torrid love affair with the guy and I just broke his heart by ending our relationship… He looked truly devastated…. But, why would I want this clowns autograph?! I have serious doubts he could even sign his name…. It would probably look something like this

‘ X ‘

So, anyways, after that, I looked down the legends row and decided to split, because there was no Lawler to be found…..

I’m pretty sure Rocky Johnson was charging for autographs, but don’t quote me on that, but if he was, that was exceptionally bad form, since we paid extra for this and on top of being The Rock’s dad and maybe be mistaken sometimes for the badass dude in ‘ From Dusk to Dawn ‘ , who wants his autograph?!

But, I digress….

We took our seats and awaited the special pre-show matches….

First off, who was the ref for the Tony Falk vs. David Matthews match?! I’ve seen that guy somewhere and I’m pretty sure he used to carry around a replica championship belt to shows, and we all know my stance on grown men carrying around those things…. But, why was he a ref?! He was absolutely atrocious…. He literally looked like the promoters were informed that another ref, who weighed near 400 pounds was no showing, so they went out to the projects 500 feet away, and offered some hustler on the street money to referee a few matches….IN THAT DUDES CLOTHES.... They were all hanging haphazardly off his person looking like some kid getting into his parents closet...

His face, looked like someone set an ape’s ass on fire and put it out with battery acid…. I mean, I know he’s a ref and all, but he really detracted from the match, with his disheveled and unprofessional appearance…. And his goofy grins to the wrestlers, because A. he’s a mark for them or B. There is no B, he’s a mark….

Anyways

We got the Wildboys Vs. Kevin and Cody Weatherby…..

Wildboys won…. It was like a battle for camo pants supremacy…. The Wildboys were wearing regular camo and the Weatherby’s were wearing New Jack – like camo shorts….. IT’S A CAMO PANT BATTLE TO THE DEATHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The wildboys looked like someone came to my family’s Christmas get together, asked two uncles that no one really knows ‘ hey, you wanna wrestle?! ‘ and then put them in the ring…. The only thing ‘ wild ‘ about these * ahem * 40+ year old boys, were their helmettullets….. They won, somehow, don’t really remember…. The Weatherby’s were decent, but looked like the typical juvenile delinquents who have only been fed a sammich and water in prison for some illicit underage behavior, who then get released and want to wrestle…. They could both fit inside their father, TJ, and it would be like some East Nashville German Nesting Doll….

Tony Falk Vs. David Matthews

David Matthews with his best Faron Foxx impersonation, but really, there’s only one Faron Foxx and this guy was decent, but nowhere near as good as the legend…. I don’t know why these two were fighting, but I’m guessing it has to do with Tony being pissed about his gimmick being stolen?! Tony won and hundreds of vaginas lost… drying up quicker than a puddle in the desert when the ref showed his face to the crowd… Good Lord….

Now, onto the main show…. Since, everyone has read the reviews, I’ll just give my likes and dislikes of the show… Everyone knows who won and shit , so we’ll make this pretty simple….

Likes ----

- Kid Kash – It’s hard to not like him, even if you hate him…. During his heel opening where he antagonizes the crowd, I turned to my cousin and said ‘ well, that was worth my 14 dollars alone ‘….

Some of the highlights include the old blue hair in the front row who objected to Kash calling her a ‘ bitch ‘ over and over and decided to try to find her way into the ring, by going to various entry points…. Kash calling a rather obese man out, in front of his wife and kid, which led to the kid shooting the double bird, as pointed out in the picture above…. Kash stealing some 15 year old Future Thug of America’s hat, who then tried to hit him, so Kash took the hat, wiped his ass with it and threw it back to the kid, who did what any of us would do at that moment, and put it back on his head….. WTF?!

The dude gets what it takes to be a true heel, which hasn’t really been seen in that arena since The New South…. And they were a tag team… This is one man, who literally almost enticed a riot ringside with a few fans wanting his blood on their hands….. I don’t think the smile on my face ever left.... It was like being in wrestling heaven watching this shit.... The New South, The ECW Dudleys and Kid Kash…. Those three, in my viewing experience, have been the three that have OWNED the heel personification…..

The match was awesome to boot, which it didn’t even have to be at this point…. Chris Michaels won it, but you had such a good time watching the psychology of a heel and face work a crowd, that it didn’t really matter…. I don’t know whose in charge of hiring at TNA and WWE, but why Kash doesn’t have a roster spot, is really beyond justification….

- Hammerjack vs. Lonestar

This was an awesome match and honestly, if SAW promised I’d get a rematch of this match again, if I were to give up masturbation , beer and tits , I might consider it…..

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding…. I would never give that shit up, but this match was outstanding, and this comes from a guy who has never really liked Lonestar or Cowboy gimmicks in wrestling

- Jesse Fields

The dude ripped me one time for a bad review I wrote on a SAW show, so saying this obviously comes from 100 percent truth, but the guy does add a certain level of authenticity to a match as a ref….

After seeing soooo many guys ref matches in this area who look like they should be on the cover of that mugshot newspaper that are laying out on the counter of Tigermarts in Nashville or refs who faces look like they were strapped to the bottom of shoes which were worn by people walking over landmines or faces that looked they were used as a shield during a meth trailer explosion, it was good to see a guy who looked professional and sold big moves and put over the talent the way a ref is supposed to do….

So, hats off to you, oh bespeckled one…. You did a fine job….

- David Young and Athena and The Maddox Brothers

It was good seeing these two again AND being used together…. Did anyone else get the sense that Athena looked EXACTLY like Baroness from G.I. Joe, with the outfit she wore?!

The only sad thing was Chickenhat was sitting too far away from the ring to see their exchanges…. Call me crazy, but I can detect a little sexually charged tension between the two when they get into their heated shouting matches…. Goodwill Sweaters that smell like mothballs, stonewashed jeans stolen from Zach Morris’ closet and underwear with shit caked in it, can prove to be a powerful attraction elixir to the ladies….

David Young is still a badass …. Butttttttt, hello?! Dextrim?! Hydoxycut?! Brother, could use a bottle or 400….. What’s in that thing that resembles but not really, a stomach?! I always love what they find in sharks stomachs when they catch them and cut them open, and I was thinking about that while watching David Young, if they were to cut him open, what would spill out?!

A few newborn babies?!…. Bert Prentice?! A small Labrador Retriever?! Tires?! A small block engine for a Lincoln Continental?!

Mysteries abound….

The Maddox Brothers were pretty awesome…. They remind me of… Well….. The unfat and undrugged up Hardy Boys…..

- Arrick Andrews and Eric Young

The battle of the men with first names of ‘ Eric ‘ to determine the proper spelling, once and for allllllllllllllllllllll….

Arrick Andrews cut a good heel promo to bring out a jobber who he tossed over, and then asking if that was the best Nashville had to offer, out came Eric Young, who got a pretty massive face pop….

He’s fun to watch and the two put on a good opening match that got the crowd jacked up….

This was like when I call your old ladies and speak in my husky, guttural voice and tell them what I have planned in store for them later….

Dislikes –

- Brian Christopher ….. I’m pretty sure that Lawler had the bible edited to remove the part where one of the plague’s upon Egypt was the birth of Brian Christopher….

How he was EVER as big as he was, is something I need a zombie Robert Stack to host an ‘ Unsolved Mysteries ‘ about….

He should be the poster child for people who want to legalize late term abortions … They could picket outside a courthouse with his picture on a huge posterboard that would simply say ‘ just sayin’….. give it the old think twice ‘ ….

At the end of his match, he pulled a bunch of kids into the ring with him and I was thinking the whole time Chris Hansen was going to do a run in with a couple of chat transcripts, tell Brian Christopher to ‘ have a seat over there for me ‘ ….. And then watch as Christopher bolts from the ring and gets tackled to the ground by 5 police officers while crying and shouting ‘ we wuz jus gone talk! ‘

Meanwhile Mike Porter drives by in a GMC conversion van, sees the ruckus in the ring and squeals out of the parking lot screaming ; get me da fuck away from here! ‘

- The Marcus Pasteurization Promo

I know Marcus has apologized to people for saying what he did and it’s been commented on a few thousand times, but I still didn’t like it and I’m going to write about it….

I don’t have a problem with cussing at wrestling shows…. I think it adds an air of authenticity to the proceedings, but when a promo is being made about Make A Wish kids, and you drop the F bomb and the GD bomb, it’s a little classless…. I mean, Jerry Lewis is batshit crazy and sauced on TV during his telethons and he never drops the bombs this guy was….

But, maybe we’re just all in the dark here…. Maybe, as Doug from The Heel Section suggested, it was some sick kids wish to hear a wrestling promoter say fuck and goddamn in a ring…. I mean, I guess we don’t really know…. Although, I’d try to shoot my sights a little higher with my wish….

My best guess, and I have no information to back this up, so it’s all speculation…. He might have a had a few shots to celebrate the achievement of having a good crowd there and when he hit the ring, old liquid satan took over and spoke for him…. We’ve all been there…. Me, at my high school graduation, getting on stage and apologizing, telling my 6^th grade teacher that I used to masturbate to her in class by taking my arm out of my jacket sleeve and going to town of the beef stick in the back of the class…. It wasn’t my shining moment either…. But, alcohol has a way of bringing out the best in people….

My only suggestion for Marcus Pasteurization the next time he runs a show is to not drop the bombs around sick kids and don’t come out to entrance music from ‘ Daredevil ‘ … I mean, did you see the movie?! Oh, and drop the vest thing…. I seriously think that the vest made people boo…. Noone likes a man wearing a vest…. It makes him look pompous…. It’s why The Miz wears a vest…. Instant Heat….. Vests and Monocles….

- Bill Dundee – He looked like Jack LaLanne’s black sheep, glue sniffing brother…. Lawler had to carry the match, which is something that should never happen….. But then afterwards….. Dundee cut a promo that could make most psychopaths scratch their head and go ‘ dude has issues ‘ …. One minute he’s thinking the fans for coming out, then he turns around and starts going off about how they couldn’t come watch TNA and that’s why they’re gone…. Then, he had the audacity… THE SHEER AUDACITY to sully the good reputable name of my MILF, Dixie Carter…. WTF?! Suggesting that A Jarrett has put the beef between her buns ….. I would literally fight this man after that egregious assault upon the character of such a beautiful lady…..

I think he got Jarrett mixed up with The Bro, easy mistake to make….

Watching Dundee ramble about nonsense on the mic after the match reminded me of this clip from The Tom Green show, years ago….

They would probably understand each other perfectly....

I was waiting for him to start going ‘ I DON’T EAT CHILDREN! ‘

It was just so out there….

- The entrance music is close to being inaudible…. I don’t know if this was because of the speakers or equipment…. But I had to strain my ears like I would trying to hear a cricket fart several times, just to hear the song…. .

Overall though, it was a good show, and definitely worth the 14 bones placed down for a ticket…. Great crowd on hand and like I said, The Kash vs. Michaels match was the absolutely stealer of the show…. I just hope they got rewarded handsomely for that, because that was one of the better matches that this area has seen in quite some time….

Alright….. Here’s the part where we play our little game…. Last time we did this, Nicholas Maglio was the proud winner of a Terry Funk WWE Legends card, which included a more cherishable treasure included with it – a hand written note from The Bro…..

So, who will be the lucky winner this time?!

Whoever leaves a comment at the bottom with the proper definition for the word ‘ smegma ‘ , will win a Kamala ' National Heroes ' WWE card and I will throw in a bonus mystery card as well….

Questions, Comments, Hook Up proposals?! Email me – thebro1869@yahoo.com