Every week....
Lo - Pan ..... So, instead of calling his group ' The A -Team ' , I suggest calling them the ' Wing Kongs ' ....
Anyone?! Anyone?!
Yeah, thought so....
Welllllll, after that rousing start.... Let's move on to S.A.W. .....
Just like all the girls at the bar, when I walk in.... I know, you're just like them, and you can't wait for me to cover it....
Kid Kash vs. Daniel Wheeler -
Opening match.... Kid Kash's hair is starting to look more and more like Mark Richt's everyday....
It's the ' butt part ' down the center... it bugs me.... he's still a total badass, but this haircut is starting to remind me of most of the over 60 crowd of men in my family, and that horrendous football coach at the University of Georgia...
Daniel Wheeler - Not a bad wrestler, but that name.... Good Lord.... It's just so plain.... The flavor vanilla laughs at the blandness of that name.... It's a name that's reminiscent of this conversation...
' Hey man remember that dude that went to school with we caught fucking that hole in the wall in the mens bathroom?! '
' Oh yeah man! '
' what was his name?! '
' fuck man, I don't remember... maybe daniel wheeler? '
' yeah that's probably it! '
' no.... maybe Mike Dell?! '
' no, not that dude... he's coming up later in The Bro's review for having another GOOG GOD FUCKING AWFUL wrestling name '
' Oh.... '
Yeah, Daniel Wheeler will always be the answer to the ' remember that guy who?! ' question that your friends will ask about some obscure person from years past who did a dubious act....
Like I said, actually a pretty good match.... I did laugh at Daniel Wheeler with his attempt to get motivation by trying to get the crowd to clap with him.... I'm pretty sure ONE or TWO people were clapping along with him - Thanks Mom and Dad!
Some insane chops by both of them.... Daniel Wheeler actually got a few good shots on Kash.... Michael Graham claims the crowd is 'stunned' by Kid Kash being cordial in the ring.... I think they're just bored.... Because even if Daniel Wheeler was the second coming of Lou Thesz, when he's announced as an opponent, you automatically zone out and start thinking about ' Daniel Wheeler the accountant ' , ' Daniel Wheeler, the day trader ' , ' Daniel Wheeler, The politician ' ... Not ' Daniel Wheeler, the wrestler ' .....
However, you do hear ' kid kash ' and automatically think ' wrestler ' or ' male prostitute... but, we'll go with wrestler.... He wins with a small package.... the thinking mans pin!
Another Dyanna Dawnn commercial comes on....
You know how Viagra and Cialis always warn you about erections lasting longer than 4 hours and how that's a dangerous scenario?! Well, seriously.... The Dyanna Dawnn marketing team should look into a new marketing route to sell cd's and dvd's.....
I have a scenario for them....
Instead of trying to hock the musical wares of their singer... why not have a commercial that goes
' are you the unfortunate recipient of a boner that lasts longer than 4 hours?! don't want the embarrassment of going to the emergency room to take care of your engorged member?! We here at Dyanna Dawnn enterprises have the perfect cure for your problem.... Order either the Dyanna Dawnn DVD or CD and cure yourself of that messy problem in no time at all.... One look at her Gargoyle Nightmarish - like face and you'll be instantly cured.... One listen to her voice that sounds like broken glass being scraped across sharped rocks and your stiff member will become flaccid in no time at all..... From the people that brought you ' The Janet Reno - Peno shrinker ' , we now bring to you the ' Dyanna Erection Gawnn ' cure.... call now, operators are standing by ' ...
Next we're greeted with the diabolical smile of a bandana'd Jeff Daniels.... He cuts a promo on Hammerjack talking about how Hammerjack did something to one of his crew back in the day and that guy recently died from lethal injection because Hammerjack ratted him out or lied about him.... It was a crazy fucking promo that made absolutely no sense.... Because, he kept screaming ' who carries a sledgehammer?! ' ... and I kept on screaming ' Triple H! that's who! ' ... my kids laughed over and over, but I'm serious.... I mean, he's trying to say that the guy who sent his buddy to the slammer to die, was carrying a sledgehammer and the only person who carried a sledgehammer that everyone knows about isn't one of the biggest wrestlers of all time for the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, but an independent wrestler named after a hybrid tool?! I don't know, but it made perfect sense after awhile.... Why?!
Because it was Jeff ' Macho Man Legs ' Daniels and he's the fucking best.... He's the only dude, outside of my cousin that can make Bandana's look cool.... Fuck, Def Leppard couldn't even make them cool, but those two guys can....
I honestly don't even know what that promo was about.... All I got was a buddy of Daniels died... Hammerjack is the only wrestler that carries a sledgehammer, bandana's are the shit, The Crippler has a crew, and I don't - that sucks.... My kids told me they'd be my crew.... But, they're only 8 and 11 respectively and one's a girl and the other is super skinny, I don't feel too protected by that crew....
And honestly, if Jeff Daniels ever cornered me in a dark alley and just started laughing maniacally, I'd probably curl into the fetal position and cry.... for hours.... The word ' maniacally ' in terms of laughter, was surely invented the first time Jeff Daniels ever laughed.... The devil is jealous of his laugh....
Mike Dell vs. JT Quest
What's JT questing for?! shears perhaps, because that mullet is frightening..... maybe he's questing for the dude that gave him that horrible prison tat on his upper arm.... One thing he's not questing after..... the perfect redneck wrestler.... Because, it's him....
Michael Graham going on and on about how JT Quest is a fan favorite.... Wonder why?! Because they can relate to him?! surely not.... They see him and go
JT Quest - Mullet - YES Redneck Fan - Yes
JT Quest - Overweight - YES Redneck Fan - Yes
JT Quest - Bad Tats - YES Redneck Fan - Yes
JT Quest - Horrible Name - Yes Redneck Fan named Bubba, Junior, Roy and Eugene - Yes
This was a total throw away match... Mike Dell was just blahhhhhhh.....
JT Quest won with a big boot.... But we all lost.... That wet, permed out, mullet will forever rape our dreams.... And Mike Dell.... Who was he again?! My computer repairman?! plumber?!.... Veterinarian?! Butcher?! I forgot....
Next we get a George Gulas promo about the Nick Gulas memorial show....
This was 5 minutes of the most awkward and hilarious moments on TV....
Matt Hardy doing his promo after he beat MVP from 2008 Backlash laughs at how awkward and weird this spot was.....
I hope the police were called for the crimes against a microphone that he committed during that segment.... Speech Pathologists that were watching this probably had somewhere in the ballpark of 25 heart attacks.... And let's not even get started about him looking and delivering a promo for about 15 seconds, looking in the wrong camera....
And, I hate to do this, since it's basically salt in the wound, but he gave a total different number to order your tickets at, from the one that was flashed at the bottom of the screen....
My next door neighbor is mentally challenged.... I take him to hooters sometimes, because he digs the chicks.... Putting George Gulas on screen to do this, was basically like me taking my retarded neighbor to Hooters and convincing him that the girl waiting on us, wanted him.... You know that in both instances it's gonna end in disaster and it's just plain cruel....
But yeah, order your tickets for the Nick Gulas memorial show.... at some number.... just call random numbers with area code 615, and maybe in 18 days, you might get the right one, if you just call 24/7 .....
Shane Williams Vs. Norman Cross
' oh norman, how did you come up with that wrestling name?! '
he just turns around and points to his back where a large cross is placed
' oh.... cool.. I guess by that logic my wrestling name would be ' matt backhair moles '
' whatevs man, look at my sweet tat '
' it kinda looks like it's drawn on man '
' thats what a tat is man, it's drawn onto your body '
' i meant it looks like someone drew it there with a sharpie '
' it's a sweet tat man, norman cross.... you don't wanna CROSS norman cross ... i'm looking at you CROSS-eyed, cuz I'm Norman Cross.... ' you getting CROSS with Norman Cross, boy?! .... '
' oh man, those are some pretty sweet promos... How about ' You might wanna CROSS the street to Mcdonalds so Norman Cross can eat about 500 hamburgers, then CROSS the street to the gym where Norman Cross can enter it and work out and it never would CROSS my mind that Norman Cross was a wrestler if I ever saw him in person, instead it would then CROSS my mind that he was the cover boy to ' Sick Boy Monthly ' magazine ..... '
......
Thats all I could think about with this j-brone.... He might be awesome, but that huge cross on his back was a distraction....
It's a shame because Shane Williams is fucking awesome.. He's a King, hello?! And he fought the fucking jester of S.A.W. ....
Oh well, he won with a fist drop off the top rope....
Rudy Charles is the new introduced manager of the A-Team....
I like this.... His Napolean-ic stance in the promo before the match was a good touch.... He's also wearing a bowtie.... I never trust a man in a bowtie or a man with a last name as a first name or a man that wears sunglasses at night.... those are my rules, so seeing Rudy in a bowtie, confirmed that my suspicion that all bowtie adorned people are shady as fuggggggggggggggggg......
The match this led into was Vordell Walker Vs. David Young
Young is still wearing his muscle outfit.... Vordell Walker is still wearing his Maven outfit.... This girl with the A-Team she's hot, but needs some mic time... I do like her acting like she's hot shit though and adored by everyone... She plays it well, probably has experience... I know her type... I go to the bars.... Paul Adams.... What can I say about the dude?! He's a perfect manager and a throwback to what I loved growing up....
David Young won this match, but it was pretty quick.... Rudy Charles lived up to his bowtie-shadiness by DQ'ing Vordell for hitting Young with closed fists.... I mean, Michael Graham acted shocked, but closed fists, ARE, against the rule.... Sure, it's shady, but it is the rule....
Just like when I take a girl out and buy her dinner, by rule she has to AT LEAST give me a handy-j..... It may be shady, but it's THE RULES....
This was a middle of the road show for me....
I don't like the docile Kid Kash character.... I do like Jeff Daniels talking about crews and sledgehammers and people dying by lethal injections.... I don't like wrestlers whose names can be confused with everyday professionals in the work force..... I don't like George Gulas raping the English language.... I do like Norman Cross's sweet tat... No I don't.... I want to go on a Quest to find a barber with JT.... I like Shane Williams and his character.... I do like bowties on shady characters.... I like girls who think and know they're hot.... I hate how they never bang me.... I like how I'm being modest and saying that, when we all know they do.... I don't like Nashville's version of Maven though....
Questions, Comments, Concerns, Marriage Proposals or Booty Calls?!
Email Me - thebro1869@yahoo.com
I look forward to these more than anything. I watch the show for the sole purpose of wondering how you are going to write about it!
ReplyDeletesomeone should write a review of bros reviews. might be funny
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