Dearest Hero….. Errrrrr…..
Dearest Sexiest Man Alive…. Errrrrrr……* nervous chuckle * Whaaaaa?!
Dearest Vince Russo….
First, let me start off this letter by first apologizing for it being belated in its sending. In between the countless numbers of hot vag I squeashed this week and the general duties of being an Internet Wrestling Writer Messiah, I just now got to look at a Calendar…. And, wonders upon wonders, it was your 50th birthday this week…..
So, for a Wrestling Deity such as yourself, I won’t regale you with ‘ Happy Birthday ‘ , because let’s face it, that’s as worn and as played out as Bob Ryder’s O-Ring ….. So, for this special occasion….
I want to regale my master with a story, if it so pleases you my Lord….
Through the schmoozing and friendship and pounding the vag of a TNA Employee, while TNA was in Nashville, I was once presented with a T Shirt…. But, not just any old tshirt, no…. That’s not befitting of such nobility as myself…. This TShirt was a S.E.X. TShirt….. Also located on the TShirt was a signature…. Upon being urged to examine said signature, I could see that it said ‘ Vince Russo ‘ , your name, my Lord!
Of all the possessions in the land, this was the most prized…. I put it up in safe keeping next to my other prized possessions ( albeit less worthy than your Tshirt ) ….. You also personally signed it, to me…. It said ‘ To Bro, Vince Russo ‘ ….. I’m sure you remember this as clear as yesterday. When Nobility meets Nobility, it is a worthy occasion of rememberance…..
One day, when my live in girlfriend/fiance was cleaning the house, she found the Tshirt…. Having eyes of a 90 year old street wench in heat, she couldn’t make out the signature…. But, she could make out ‘ The Bro ‘ ….. A little thing called ‘ the internet ‘ was around.. Also a site called ‘ the google ‘, as my mother would like to have it called….
A little tippy typing on the ol’ keyboard produced several results for ‘ the bro ‘ …. Most having to do with a homosexual porn actor…. Go figure…. Anyways, she found the site of which I was the owner… The site that started me as the Internet Wrestling Messiah….. After about three hours of ‘ research ‘ on my various stories and ridiculous prose, I was confronted….
She called the site ‘ garbage ‘ , my writing was ‘ juvenile ‘ and that I was ‘ stupid ‘ to write about my ‘ exploits ‘ with women….. Which, let’s face it… These exploits were usually made up stories in the dark recesses of my alcohol and glue sniffing diseased brain….. There were a few select true stories in there, but hey, mysteries are fun, so we won’t be divulging which ones were true, right?!
But, I still have my penis intact, so that rules out the April Pennington story….. You feel me?!
Anyways, this was the match that led to the fire that dissolved our relationship…. She went on to claim that ‘ Vickie Russo ‘ was a ‘ slut ‘ and a ‘ whore ‘ , because what woman would give a man a shirt with the word ‘ S.E.X. ‘ on it….
We went our separate ways and I just wanted to relate to you the story of how you crushed my entire relationship with one simple signature on one simple TShirt….
But, I’m not bitter…. Not by a long shot… In fact, I just want to write you this letter, to thank you….
You see, you saved me years and years of heartache, bitchiness and general all around penis neglect.....
Being the God that you are, you must have seen this happening in the future and thus put a plan in place, to save the future ( and now present ) Internet Wrestling Writer Messiah….. So, thanks…..
She’s gotten super fat over the years and even more of a mean ass ….. and you saved me from that….
One little signature on one little shirt….. The whole internet world, rejoices…..
I can now do what I want, when I want…. If I wanna pop in a Wrestling PPV, crack a beer open and sit around in my boxers all day, I can now do that, free and clear of her coming in and going ‘ I’m not watching that gay wrestling…. We have to go to Michaels and The Home Depot and We have family pictures at The Olan Mills Studios in Sears at 3 ‘ ….. To this, I thank you….
I can walk around my place in a robe at all hours without having someone go ‘ Ugh, you need to change, I have Becky, Lisa and Britney coming over in 30 minutes, DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!!!! ‘….. To this, I thank you….
I can go to a wrestling event without having to hear ‘ I don’t know why you go to those gay things, they’re so fake and stupid and you act like you’re soooooooo important and special….. ‘ .. To this, I thank you….
I can now have a room where I can put all my wrestling, comic and movie action figures without her going ‘ one day when you’re at work, I’m gonna sell them all on ebay and then use the money to buy a china cabinet to showcase my plate collection, a real collection, not a bunch of dolls ‘ ….. Hello?! Whaaaaa?!.... To this, I thank you
I can now write juvenile and inane wrestling blogs without thinking to myself ‘ is she going to get mad if she reads this, omg, what?! ‘ ….. To this, I thank you
I can now sit down with my kids and let them watch wrestling and have them love it and follow it more closely than I do, without hearing her go ‘ That’s only going to make them stupid…. Like you…. And all your gay wrestling buddies ‘ ….. To this, I thank you….
You saved me brother…. And for that, I will forever be even more in your debt than I was before…..
It even , ALMOST, makes me forgive you for making that CHOAD, Jeremy Borash famous…..
I said, Almost….. A man, does have his limits….
So, while others wished you a happy birthday, which I’m sure a Wrestling God, like yourself, was going to be having anyways, I thought I’d share a story about how you saved me from years of oppressive torture and certain penis doom…..
So, treat this story as a coupon…… anytime you want a free 12 bagger of sliders and a six-er of beer, just let me know…. It’s on me…. You’re a man of the cloth now, so I don’t know if you partake in the imbibing of libations, but if you don’t, I have a warm gullet for it, and I’ll buy you some Zima’s, so you can look manly, like me…..
For all of those holding off purchasing tickets to the Fairgrounds show featuring Jerry Lawler, wondering if I’m going to be in attendance, thus sealing the deal on your ticket purchases. I’m here to inform you, that I will be there…. Ringside…. So, you can now safely purchase those tickets with the knowledge that not only will you get to see a true Legend and God of Wrestling in the arena that night, but you’ll also get to see Jerry Lawler too….
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