' It's like Carfax for Wrestlers! '

A red haired woman in crew socks and glasses does it for me all the time

In the used car industry, they have this little term called a ‘ refurbished wreck ‘ …. It’s where a car dealership will take a car that has been totaled, spend the lowest amount possible to get it running and looking nice, then sell it again, without notifying the buyer that the car was a complete and utter hopeless, incompetent, piece of shit a few months ago…..

It’s why Carfax was invented…. Now, you can type in the vehicles identification number and pull up information about the car, that would quickly notify you if it had been involved in a serious wreck….

How this pertains to wrestling, you wonder…..

There’s a part of me that wishes that wrestling had a Carfax system of sorts….

We’d call it ‘ Wrestlefax ‘

Whenever you decide to become a wrestler, there should be two things you have to do first….

- Get trained by some shitty independent wrestler in a run down gym, storage unit, church rec room or storage room of whatever ‘ shoot job ‘ said shitty wrestler works at…..

- Get a bar code tattoo, unique to you, that can be scanned by promoters before offering you work, that would print out your work history, tendencies and probabilities

You don’t think Dixie Carter would have LOVED to have had a ‘ wrestlefax ‘ system when she signed the contract to purchase TNA?!

I could see that meeting now….

‘ Ok, I’m ready to sign ‘ …..

Jeff and Jerry start fist pumping and high-fiving each other and giggling like a fat ringrat sitting in the front row, getting a kiss blown to her from a wrestler she adores…..

‘ But, first I need to scan the barcode at the bottom of this contract to see exactly what I am purchasing ‘ she says, much to their dismay

‘ Well, why you gotta do that for?! We already told you everything you needed to know… we’re set up to become the number one wrestling organization in the Galaxy, that’s right, GALAXY, as in the cosmos! The never ending COSMOS, Dixie….. ‘ Jeff says, bewildered

‘ I know what you said Jeff, but I gotta tell you, I don’t trust men who wear girl jeans and got beat by a girl in a wrestling match ‘ Dixie retorts

‘ Fine Dixie, do your science fiction fancy scanning device thing, it’ll tell you what I just told you, we’re the greatest wrestling company on the face of earth, the face of the moon, the face of you…. Nothing can stop us from taking down Vince and the WWE… Nothing…. We had the goddamn Dupp Cup, an innovation in wrestling that made Albert Einstein snap up from his grave and go ‘ how come I didn’t think of this shit ‘ … so, go on, scan that barcode, let it reiterate what I just said and damn, I don’t know how to spell reiterate ‘ …..

Dixie scans the barcode….

Jeff and Jerry gather round Dixie and huddle up as they read the screen and the printout of what the barcode related to TNA said

‘ Whats all those letters mean?! ‘ Jeff shouts out, confused at a series of letter, formed into words, that in turn form a sentence….. as Jerry shakes his head mumbling ‘ awwww gawd, we done been had now ‘

Dixie smirks as she shakes her head

‘ Jeff, the readout says…. ‘ As long as you don’t have a problem buying the wrestling equivalent to the dying days of WCW, taking fired and laid off workers from other companies and hyping them as ‘ THE NEXT BIG THING ‘ despite the fact that most, when they were the ‘ BIG THING ‘ in their respective companies, failed. If you like taking top shelf wrestling talent, pushing them to the top, then pushing them over the edge into wrestling purgatory, never to be heard from again, or when they do, they are used sparingly in repackaged gimmicks/segments/vignettes, that make as much sense as The Kiss Demon…..Then this is for you…. And by ‘ you ‘ , I mean ‘ absolutely noone with a working brain ‘, that's why these two clowns run it …. The names have changed, the look has changed, but don’t be fooled…. THIS IS WCW circa 1998-2001 ‘ ….

‘ DADDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! ‘ Jeff screams as he falls to the floor and curls up in a fetal position and sucks his thumb as tears stream down his face….

‘ My boy! You made my boy cry with your foolish Quantum Leap Wrestling Thingie, woman! ‘ Jerry says as he kneels down to pat Jeff’s platinum locks…..

‘ I’m sorry gentleman, this deal is over. I’m not buying ‘ Dixie says as she gets up to leave….

* BEEP BEEP *

The wrestlefax scanner makes a sound to notify of another incoming message

‘ What’s that devil computer saying to you now, Woman, I demand to hear it! ‘ Jerry says

‘ Noooooooooo! ‘ Jeff says as he cries more and sucks his thumb harder

Dixie laughs and smirks as she looks at the screen….

‘ It says that I should let The Bro have buttsecks with me, because he invented this in the future and sent it back here, to the past, to help me not purchase this company…. It also says ‘ LOL @ Matt Hardy wearing dreadlocks in his debut with company in 2011 ‘ …..

‘ Ohhhhh gawddammit, The Bro done did it again!!!!!! ‘ Jerry says as he start kicking Jeff in the head….

‘ Get up… get your ass up, boy…. You’re a shame to my last name, you have old church ladies hair and you wear girl jeans…. Bedazzled?! What kind of man wears jewels on his damn jeans?! Not, The Bro, that’s who…. And he’s having buttsecks with that fine woman angel demon who just DIDN’T buy our gotdamn company!!!!!! ‘

See, how awesome that would have been for Dixie…. We could have been married, had little bro’s and little bro-seys, I could have worn a cowboy hat and smoked a cigar as we looked over our oil empire in a mansion where I could have shower-sex with Dixie, but instead of hot water, it would have been hot, crude oil…..

Ah, a man can dream…..

I could have saved her years of heartbreak and the dwindling of her bank account, if I had invented this years ago….

But, just for shits and giggles, let’s do a ‘ what if ‘ of what certain wrestlers ‘ wrestlefax ‘ barcodes would say if they were scanned by a promoter before being hired…. I’ll put their name first, followed by what the ‘ wrestlefax’ info would say on them…..

Matt Hardy – ‘ Schizophrenic, Will cost catering a Kings Ransom, Will look like the baby of Evan Karagious and Awesome Kong in a few weeks, if not NOW ‘

Jeff Hardy – ‘ LOL, do I even have to put anything here…. JUST LOOK AT HIM!!! ‘….

At which point a promoter will look at Jeff as he’s standing in front of them, asleep while standing up, his face looking like a homeless clown on a bad acid trip….

The promoter tries to tap him on the shoulder to wake him up…. Jeff snaps out of it going ‘ mannnnnnn, you ever looked at the stars man….. you ever just looked at them? Because if you do, you’ll notice they all blink man…. And those blinks, when put into morse code, spells out my name man… why?! Because I’m one with the universe man….. ‘

At which point he falls back asleep, snoring, while still standing up, but doing his Jeff Hardy entrance dance…. As syringes and acid paper fall out of his pants pockets….

Then Matt runs over to pick them up… The promoter is struck by how sweet this is…. Matt trying to hide his brothers obvious drug use….

But, is then quickly taken aback as Matt starts laughing…..

‘ Finally, I got these bad boys, he’s been hiding these for years!!!!!! ‘ he says as he holds up the syringes high in the air, in his hands, laughing maniacally….

‘ I can now just inject sugar and liquid meat directly into my veins!!!!!! ‘ he says as he walks off, still laughing maniacally….

Kevin Nash – Remember that borderline fat girl that was in the sorority you were in, in college, who thought she was the shit?!

You tolerated her, because she was in your sorority, but she always got on your nerves... She always ate too much, had a double chin even with her teenage metabolism and bragged about the few times she had sex with a couple members of the football team, when they were drunk and hanging precipitously close to the alcohol poisoning line….

Now,in present times, this girl is fat, lazy, has 6 kids,in a loveless marriage and keeps telling people about how she was in a sorority and had sex with the star football player on the team, trying to hang onto the glory days, living in the past, because the present isn’t much fun…..

And all you wanna do is grab her by her fat face and go ‘ they had sex with you, because they were passed out…. AND…. It was two offensive linemen!!!!!! ‘ …..

Yeah, this is the equivalent to Kevin Nash in wrestling…..

Elijah Burke/The Pope – You know The Rock?! Remember him from WWE?! Yeah, this is the illegitimate thrift store baby of his and John Morrison’s…. Only he got John Morrison’s mic skills, has his own brillo pad chest hair and wears a surgical mask with jewels on it…. For some reason, even though he’s a pimp... Don’t see too many, check that, ANY, pimps wearing surgical masks of any kind, let alone one with jewels on it….

Eric Bischoff – Was once a brilliant wrestling mind….. Now, he’s like the Grand Canyon of wrestling…. Ideas and innovations once ran through Bischoff’s brain like water once ran through the Grand Canyon…. But, they’re both dried up and barren now….

And, it’s sad really….

He’s like Doc Brown still, to this day, going around to people going

‘ I’m brilliant!!!!! In 1985 I created a time traveling car that took my friend marty back to 1955!!!!!! ‘ …

and everyone, just looks at him and goes

‘ Dude…. We know…. We’ve seen that movie a thousand times…. Since then, we’ve had other time traveling movies that have been equal too or better than that…. ‘ Bill and Ted ‘ for example…. They didn’t have to use plutonium either… Just hop in a phone booth and BAM! Time traveling!!!! way simpler dude…. ‘

as Doc Brown just walks off dejectedly, kicking at a few rocks mumbling about ‘ I still got it, by god! I know I do… don’t I?! ‘ …..

This is Bischoff….

Ric Flair – Best pure entertainer in Wrestling history, perhaps?! Needs to retire…. His legacy, while not tarnished yet, is taking a beating…. Let the man have some dignity, please!

Hulk Hogan – Remember that Seinfeld episode where Kramer got a job?! He went to work everyday and carried a briefcase, yet no one knew exactly what he did and the company had no idea what he did, until the boss called him in and looked at a report that he had done and said something like

‘ And this…. I don’t even know what this is or what it’s supposed to mean ‘ …..

And then the boss fired him…. This will be Hulk Hogan in TNA…. At the end, when he’s fired…. People will read about Hulk’s TNA career and go

‘ I don’t even know what this is…. ‘

Dudley Boys – Remember when Steven Segal first hit the scene and you were like

‘ OMG!!! This dude’s soooooo awesome!!!!!! He could beat any karate/martial artist in the worlddddddddd man, and he wears a kimonooooooooooo!!!!! ‘ ……

And now you see him on The Lifetime Movie Network starring in a movie called ‘ Lady on the Run ‘ , where he plays the menacing but sweet hired protection for a mafia informant trying to live in the witness protection program who is caught between loving her husband, a mafia crimelord, and her new budding love for her hired protection…..

Yeah, this is the Dudley Boys now…..

Douglas Williams – Who?!

Mick Foley – Just like an adoptive child… The one you go to the orphanage to see, and he's the teenage kid who is ugly and fat, but has a killer personality and you feel bad for them, because their parents didn’t want them anymore, so you take a chance and adopt them….

They offer some joy and happiness and then one day they’re like

‘ I wanna know who my real parents are!!!! ‘ ….

Then they meet them and come to you and go

‘ look, they’re way cooler and they want me back and since they are my parents….. wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll ‘ … And then they leave, as you cry and shout

‘ WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?! ‘ …

This is Mick Foley…. He will leave for the WWE when the phone rings and the dollar drops….

These are just a few examples of what my ' wrestlefax ' system could have done to help TNA and the wrestlers.... There will be more to come.... thebro1869@yahoo.com