Gulas Memorial Show Review

Remember that saying ' Quantity over Quality ' ?! Yeah..... I don't either....

However, I do remember the saying ' Quality over Quantity ' .... It's a saying I use when I brag about the girls I've banged, the beers I drink and the blog posts I make....

It's also a saying I would, in no way, associate with the Gulas Old School Wrestling Show, Saturday Night....

First, let me say, the show lasted 5 hours..... 5 HOURS..... And it started at 7:50..... Do the math....

There are few things in this world that are enjoyable for 5 hours.... In fact, I really can't think of ONE, unless maybe it's a ' 24 ' marathon or maybe Wrestlemania Sunday that is devoted to watching old Wrestlemania's and drinking beer up until it starts.... I brought this up to my cousin.... He was like ' Not even getting a blowjob for five hours?! ' ...... Even getting a BeeeeJayyyyy for 5 hours..... After awhile, it would begin to hurt and then the girls lips would chaffe and probably bleed on your peen making it disgusting, then your peen would shrivel up and look like a 2 day old hot dog that has sat in a pan of cold water.... it would just be horrendous in the long run....

I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you and be like ' oh this was a great match!!! ' or ' this guy put on one hell of a performance ' , because in between getting redneck DNA rubbed into my pores, from passing trailer mongoloids and the shooting pain in my feet, from standing 4+ hours on concrete, I was losing all ability to actually watch anything....

HOWEVER, as your internet wrestling writer messiah, I will put up a review, giving you my highlights and lowlights and general thoughts on the show.... I'm soooo your hero right now... I know, I know...

LOWLIGHTS

1. Seating..... Or lack thereof.... I understand this is partially my fault, as I waited until I got to the door to buy tickets.... And, I purchased tickets under the disclaimer of ' standing room only '.... However, they didn't inform me that while standing I would be rubbed up on by some hideous mongoloid creatures from planet Redneckatron.... Seriously, is it a pre-requisite in Lavergne, that if you attend a wrestling show, you must first wash your hair in pure grease, preferably left over from the pan you cooked the roadkill in for dinner before you came?! Men, women and children.... A lot of these * ahem * people * ahem * had greasy hair, so bad, that some of the animals stuck in oil spills are like ' dude..... wash that hair..... damn! ' .... And these people were all rubbing up on me and coughing on me and sneezing and sullying my Greek God - like body....

On top of that, people brought newborn babies in there, some of which, I'm sure still had placenta juice on them and couldn't hold their heads upright by themselves, all being jostled around by some overweight woman in clothes she probably stole from Reba McEntire's closet in 1988, while screaming out ' motherfucker ' ... ' asshole ' and ' fuckface ' , to some wrestler.... You know, the typical All American Motherly behavior....

There was no walkway really for people to go from one area to the next, so they just bumped into you and muscled their way past you.... And, I felt bad for Misty James, who had her gimmick table up, but because the ' standing room only ' section was poorly managed, everyone just stodd in front of her table, really giving her very little chance to push her stuff. Although, at the end of the night, I think she did pretty well....

2. Parking .... I know HWA isn't used to the crowd they had last night, but not having a plan for where to park a large amount of cars, was an absolute atrocity, given the amount of publicity this show has gotten here locally this week.... To call the parking situation - ' dumpster fire filled with dirty diapers ' - would actually be a compliment.... At first, people were told to park on the road.... Then when the cops came and informed people they were going to be towed, we were told ' park wherever you can ' ... even though, with those wonderfully detailed instructions, it left little parking space.... Finally, I found a parking space, by parking in the grass of some business that was closed for the night.... Throughout the night, Gordon and others had to get over the P.A. system to tell people to move their cars, or they were going to be towed.... And then quickly afterwards going ' buy a program for tonights show to commemorate this legendary night!!!! '... I laughed when I thought ' well, you could do that, or just frame your parking ticket and towing bill to commemorate this night too... as well as your tetanus shot and satisfactory bill of health from the CDC after being dry humped by so many 'neck creatures in attendance ' .....

3. HWA .... Having HWA go in the middle, between SAW and Gulas OSW was like going to see ' Schindlers List ' in the theater and having to watch a preview for a documentary extolling the sensitive side of Adolf Hitler, during an intermission..... It's like paying for two seminars entitled ' how to be the man your wife always wanted ' and ' the judicial system IS perfect ' and having to sit through a lunch Q & A with OJ Simpson.... It's like making out with a hot chick, and then while you're walking to her bedroom, she wants to talk to you about the renovations she made on her house.....

I would say that HWA is a step above backyard wrestling, but that may be a high compliment for the product.... It might suit it well to be referred to as ' a broken bottom step on a full set of stairs above backyard wrestling '.... you know, it's the bottom step, and it's broken, but it's got just enough support to get you to the second step ( S.A.W. ) and to keep you from stepping in the shit on the ground ( Backyard Wrestling ) ..... Half the guys looked like they just got done having their nuts cupped and coughing for a doctor, after their first physical and would scratch their head and look at you with a quizzed expression when you asked them what a ' gym ' was.... Look, I don't ask for much..... Just please, if you're a wrestler, look like you can beat me up, AT LEAST....

I felt bad for Jackie and Don Fargo.... They kept being billed as ' the guys that paved the road for wrestling today' .... And, after seeing the H.W.A. product, I'm wondering if they're like... ' we paved the road for this shit?! please.... somebody get a demolition expert on the phone, because we're blowing THE FUCK, outta this road ' ..... Or, it could be like those signs on the highway that say ' sponsor this stretch of road ' and the ' Nashville Wrestling Highway ' was once sponsored by Jackie and Don Fargo, but after seeing that horseshit, they quickly pulled sponsorship and now there's a sign that says ' The Farron Foxx/Mike Rapada/Shane Eden Nashville Wrestling Highway ' .....

4. Girls Match .... You ever seen ' Faces of Death ' or something like it?! You know, those movies that purport to show REAL LIFE deaths as they happen, captured on film?! Yeah, save your money and just go to one of these girls matches sponsored by H.W.A. ..... Sooner or later, someone is going to seriously get hurt.... Somewhere Jackie Gayda is sitting back, looking at Charlie Haas and going ' I wasn't THE WORST womens wrestler ever, was I?! ' and He'll push her head back down into his lap, to shut her up, and turn the station on the TV, until the satellite, picks up The Gulas Memorial Show to watch the girls match on the card and he'll sit up and go ' Jackie, Jesus Christ!!! ' ... She'll sit up and wipe her mouth off, then go ' I know, I'm really good at that tho, right?! ' .... And he'll get a disgusted look on his face and go ' no, you dumb bitch, look...... you really aren't the worst womens wrestler EVER!!! They're located on this show.... The Gulas Memorial Show.... '

The one girl, I can say that honestly was a good worker, was Jessie Belle, but I might have been hypnotized by her ass... HOLY MOLY... It was like two little basketballs down there being bounced.... But, she had charisma and knew how to work the crowd.... And, attempted to wrestle with the others.... Mickie Knuckles, cracked me up, only because my cousin, leans over and goes ' more like Mickie Cankles... ' Yeah, I giggled like a schoolgirl over that for a minute or two....

4. Wrestlers Mingling in the Crowd ..... Maybe I'm just old, but I hate when a wrestler comes through the crowd to either go to the concession stand or use a bathroom.... I mean, if there was no bathroom backstage at HWA, than that's just shitty on HWA's part.... I mean, either rope off a bathroom and throw a curtain over it or buy a port-a-pottie.... But, it was a never ending stream, all night long, of wrestlers, running out of the stage area, down the ramp and to the bathroom or refs doing the same and going to the concession stand.... Most of us know what's behind the curtain.... We know wrestling is scripted... But, that doesn't mean, that when we go, we have to have that thrown in our face.... Wrestlers should NEVER be in the crowd, not in gimmick..... It just takes away from the show.... You know, more than seeing Clones of my Dad wrestling for H.W.A. .....

HIGHLIGHTS

1. Shane Williams.... What can I say, that hasn't already been said about the guy?! If new school wrestling and old school wrestling, both went to the same bar and had a few drinks and Barry Manilow was playing overhead and they caught each others eyes, then they started flirting, which led to a passionate love making session in the bar's bathroom.... Shane William's would be the offspring of that.... He resonates with the old and young.... they either love him or hate him, there's really no in between, there's no non reaction from most and he just gets ' IT ' ..... His segment with the legends, where he tried to pass himself off as Jerry Lawler to them, was pretty priceless and at the end of the night, he was still selling the punch Fargo gave him as he made his way to the ring for his match....

2. Shawn Hoodrich..... I've liked this guy since I saw him at USWO in the summer.... He's got new attire and he has obviously been hitting the gym, as his physique has gotten pretty impressive. I like to see this.... This means he's taking it seriously and putting in the work necessary to be something in the business. However, I wouldn't mind him busting out the airbrushed cat eyes on his trunks again for old times sake.... He's an overseller of massive proportions, but it's entertaining and I'd rather someone oversell than not sell at all.... It's the way I like my ladies.... Just go over the top when you're faking, because that no reaction bullshit, will not get me to return... Hope all you fine ladies, just took notes on that....

3. Arrick Andrews / Shane Williams Segment... Enjoyed the attack of Andrews on Williams.... Especially after the fireball incident. Andrews looked truly pissed at Shane and needed no mic to be heard audibly above the crowd. Williams crawling up the ramp after the attack, smiling like a true shit heel and laughing was the perfect ending to it and a buildup to the confrontation soon coming.... I told my cousin, if I had a nickel for every ringrat in Tennessee that has pleasured themselves to Arrick Andrews, I would have 365 dollars.... precisely the amount I'd need to buy myself a hearing aid, due to my eardrum exploding from the shrills and shrieks emanating from the crowd when they recognize him....

4. Rick Santel/Roxy Rossi.... They worked together great at ringside.... Rossi distracting the ref, with her harry potter good looks.... they're magical.... led to Santel shooting water into Ryan Genesis' eyes, leading to Emerson getting the 1.2.3 ..... Roxy Rossi was in the crowd before the show, trying to get to the bathroom and I was trying to get over in her way, so she would have no choice but to rub up on me as she passed.... Unfortunately, some STEAK and SHAKE looking troll rubbed up on me, blocking my path.... As I looked down at the behemoth of sweat and grease wearing what looked to be flower curtains and sweat pants and had back neck moles that looked like someone sandbasted her with a pack of goobers, I saw Roxy walking away, I shoved my fist to the heavens and screamed out ' WHYYYYYY?! ' .....

5. Dominique winning the The Queen of Gulas OSW..... This was awesome. She came down during the end of the match, stole a pin with Jeff Daniels at her side and won the title..... Which, i'm sure, as seen by his award to the fargos and gypsy joe, is just a piece of paper that says ' queen of my OSW ' ..... But, still, it was a good ending to a pretty terrible match....

6. Womens Dog Collar Match ..... In my opinion, girls are good for a few things....

1. beejayssss
2. making sammiches
3. making babies
4. cleaning house
5. making lingerie relevant
6. dog collar matches

Jessie Belle and Mickie Cankles were pretty awesome in this match, which led me to wonder how the 4 way match earlier wasn't any good..... And, don't worry Jessie... You may not have won the ' Queen of Gulas OSW ' title, but I'll print you off a certificate for ' Bro's Best Ass Ever ' .... Trust me, it's just as good and coming from an Adonis like me, it's invaluable for those equipped with a vagina....

Some quick notes....

- Gordon needs to learn to enunciate better on the mic.... I went through the whole night laughing and thinking some dude was named ' MAN TOAD ' .... I was like ' that's the best name ever '.... Then I get home and see the guys name was' Demento ' ... It took all the fun out of it, and he wasn't cooler any longer, thanks to Gordon's mic skills, which are on the level of a 5th grade student performing a school play of ' Huckleberry Finn ' .... I love Gordon, he is a Nashville stalwart ( I have a free Terry Funk WWE 2010 Legends Card for the first person to correctly send me @ the bro1869@yahoo.com , the definition to the world ' stalwart ' ) but someone needs to tell him he a. doesn't have to shout on the mic, it amplify's your voice and b. you don't have to actually stick it in your mouth while talking.... Other than that, Gordon is awesome... I just like the name.... And want him to hand out fishsticks to fans in a yellow rainslicker..... And, yes... I know it's Gorton's and not Gordon's, but it's all about, say it with me... ENUNCIATION...

See how I tied that together?! That's why I'm The Bro and you're reading this ;)

- They were serving ' Big Pickles ' at the concession stand.... I had to quickly grab my crotch to make sure my peen was still there... I thought they were selling it for the ladies to eat.... Luckily ladies, it's still there.... And, trust me, it's selling for more than the 1.00 listing price for HWA big pickles....

- I love gimmick tables.... I just do.... It's the best of both world for me.... I die and go to White Trash heaven everytime I see them.... It's a combination people can't walk away from... It combines wrestling and flea markets together in one area.... I mean, people talk about dead birds falling from the sky, as the start to the end of the world.... I say the end of the world will happen when gimmick tables and wrestling events merge together at a fanny pack/airbrushed attire convention and the white trash awesomeness will be too much for the world to take and a black hole will start and suck the earth in it....

- Gulas saying ' don't believe the rumors, we're all here for the love of wrestling and we have no problems working together ', in reference to the three promotions, is almost as believable as this classic scene.



- The refs at HWA looked like they were all recruited from a circus sideshow act, that was fired, for being too goddamn scary looking for kids, so HWA decided to give them a job as referees.... One was a midget, one looked like he ate metal sammiches due to his JACKED UP TEEF and the other one looked like his face was used as a blasting shield for FBI agents going into meth trailers.... That was mean, but hey, you expect that from me.... I'm sure they're all fine people though.... Just kinda funny that all those people came together in the same profession for the same company.... It's like a band of retired hitmen all working at Best Buy selling TV's, who somehow figure out they were all hitmen one day.... Only these guys were kept in cages on a circus sideshow who wound up referee independent wrestling....
My cousin thought it was peculiar that a ‘ Gulas Memorial ‘ show would be held in a shanty in Lavergne….. I pondered this for a minute and he actually had a point…. My cousin is a man of little words, but when he speaks, they’re poignant….

Having a Gulas Memorial Show in a Shanty in Lavergne is like having an Elvis Memorial Concert at the ‘ Caribbean Lounge ‘, located in the downstairs portion of the ‘ Seaside Inn ‘ on Dickerson Road….

Having a Gulas Memorial Show in a shanty in Lavergne is like shouting ‘ I want some authentic Italian food!!!! ‘ and then going to Fazoli’s….

Having a Gulas Memorial Show in a shanty in Lavergne is like saying you want to read an informative review on the Gulas Memorial Show, and then coming to my site….

I will say that most of the staff for HWA were helpful and nice and helped make the experience tolerable, despite all the early chaos with parking and standing room only areas….. The two ticket ladies were complete niceness….

Why is Thug Jones coming to the ring with a WWF Replica Championship Belt circa 1997?! I mean, I know that HWA and it’s supporters will get mad at my long winded diatribe about it being a glorified backyard promotion, but how am I supposed to take anyone seriously as a professional wrestler who carries a WWF replica belt to the ring?! I mean, shit man, when I go to any wrestling show, there will be AT LEAST one fan in attendance with that same belt or a belt similar to it, so I could just infer that these people are some champion in HWA too…. Couple that with their out of shape ring bodies and ham and egger ring attire, I should just assume every chucklehead at an indy show sitting ringside with a replica belt, is some champion in HWA…. Awesome, HWA…. Pure Awesome * golf clap *

I enjoyed seeing Chris Michaels…. It had been awhile, since I had seen him live, in person, on a card I attended…. He, must sleep in the same cryogenic freezing tube with Jeff Daniels, because both these guys never change…. They look the same now, as they did years ago….

In the same vein, it’s good to see Shane Morton, keeping the Morton wrestling name alive, well into the 2010’s…. My grandfather was complaining that he wasn’t invited to this event and I had to tell him it was probably because someone had lost his number…. I offered to buy him a ticket… his response was ‘ I’ll be goddamned if a Gulas gets anymore of my goddamn money, to add to what they already stole from me back when I wrestled!!!! ‘ …. It was also pretty classic, when he read the story on the Fargos in the ‘ Tennessean ‘ and got especially mad when he read how much money they ‘ claimed ‘ to have made…. He just yells out, while laughing ‘ That’s goddamn rich….. pure BALDERDASH!!!!!!!!! ‘ …. I love the word Balderdash….

To wrap it all up, overall I’d give the show a C ….. It would have definitely been a negative F, had SAW not been on the card with Gulas OSW…. I just can’t understand how the promoter for HWA could put those matches on a card with the talent SAW and Gulas OSW put out there…. I’d be ashamed…. It’s like standing to take a piss in a long line of stalls…. And standing next to you are two guys equipped with what appears to be, in size, a baby elephants trunk, as a penis, and you whip out your little cocktail weiner and they just start laughing and you quickly zip up while pissing all over your shoes and jeans and run out crying ( which was what HWA did to this card, coincidentally ) …..

I don’t understand, how as a wrestler, you can’t go to highspots.com, and order some gear and look presentable or go get a two week gym pass somewhere and hit it hard before a major show like this….. shit, get in contact with me and I’ll hook you up with some passes…. It might come off like I’m being extremely hard on HWA, and I am…. I love wrestling, I love Nashville and Southern wrestling, but I can’t stand when a promotion makes a mockery out of it, intentionally or unintentionally…. Get your wrestlers in a gym, get them some gear, get them some training, get them a bathroom where they don’t have to walk through the crowd to get there, get the refs some black shoes instead of the clown/bowling/tennis shoe – hybrid they were wearing… I just get tired of seeing everyone with a little bit of money, thinking they can run a wrestling promotion…. It just dilutes a product that is already far over saturated anyways…. Vince had it all wrong, when he wanted to inject the WWE with a lethal dose of poison to kill it off, when he brought in the N.W.O. , he should have contacted Doc Brown and gone into the future and brought in 50 percent of the roster for HWA…. It would have killed it immediately….

13 dollars was a good price for the ticket…. For sheer volume purposes, you couldn’t beat the price and with SAW and Gulas OSW, it made the price worth it, along with a few - and when I say ‘ few ‘. I mean ‘ few ‘ as in ‘ chickenhat has a FEW pairs of underwear without shit caked in them ‘ – HWA performers…. Hoodrich and Morton …..

Met Larry Goodman finally, he dude is totally nice and a never ending stream of wrestling knowledge and facts.... If you want the in depth review of thematches, definitely check out his review when it gets posted on the Georgia wrestling history site or trent's site....

Don’t forget to email me the meaning of ‘ stalwart ‘ , the first correct answer, gets the Terry Funk WWE 2010 Legend Card…. Also, email me if you agree, disagree or just want to talk about wrestling…. Thebro1869@yahoo.com