The Bro Returns To TNA!

So, TNA is returning to the Tennessee State Fairgrounds, Friday. And, I’m personally kind of excited and I have a sense of nostalgia sweep over me as I remember all the times I attended TNA in the early years at the Asylum….. As most know, I have been highly critical of TNA over the years. It’s been like an abusive relationship…. I like TNA, I want it to succeed, but I just constantly see it continue to shoot itself in it’s foot, so I make fun or it and verbally assault it…. But, it’s only out of some sick, twisted love for this Wrestling Organization. So, for once, I will look back and tell you what I’m most looking forward to most as I venture back to the Asylum to watch the last TNA show there. Which, I am supporting by buying tickets to, so Bert Prentice can’t shoot me with his gay eye lasers as I walk through the door. I will be taking my son, for his first REAL LIVE wrestling event. He’s excited. I’m looking forward to it. So, here we go…. My list of things I’m looking most forward to tomorrow night….

- The Feeling – Say what you will about TNA, God knows I’ve definitely done my share, but there’s something about going back to the Fairgrounds Sports Arena to watch TNA, that makes me feel younger again and innocent. I can only hope that when I walk through the doors that I will encounter this…. Sadly there will be no Sarah Lee or Corsica Joe to greet us and stamp the hands…. That’s not cool, but hopefully they’ll have Bert there, standing around in some cheap panama shirt as he looks at the scourge of Fairgrounds Riff Raff walking through the door with free tickets and looking at them only as minus signs to some imaginary figure bottom dollar established in his head…..

I’ve often envisioned, the times I’ve seen Bert in his cheap panama shirts standing there, shooting eye lazers at the comped ticket scallywags entering The Mecca, often having a song playing in his head…. The song?! This one…. From Press Your Luck….

But, each time a free ticket is handed in, a ‘ whammy ‘ comes and takes all his imaginary money away while laughing after performing some hilarious act to take his money…..

I hope I hear ‘ P.O.D. ‘ music playing…. If I were ‘ P.O.D. ‘ I would sue TNA for lost revenue sales…. As many times as TNA used their CD as house music before the show started, everyone there got so tired of it…. However, whenever I watch TNA nowadays, the song ‘ Alive ‘ by them is always playing in the back of my head….. I hope I walk to my floor seat and see it sitting there, looking like they pulled it out of the fifth dimension of hell or pulled from the bunkers on Normandy Beach after D-Day….. I hope I get stale peanuts that are priced just below the price of a six pack of beer…. I also hope the package looks like it has been kept under the seedy mattress of Chicken Hat…. In between the mattress, his flesh skin suits from his victims and the box springs…..

Speaking of Chicken Hat, I hope I see him and can point him out to my son…. My son, holds Chicken Hat on the same level as The Easter Bunny, Santa Clause and Jesus…. Magical beings that are rarely, if ever seen, yet talked about with such reverence and awe, that it spellbinds them…. I hope he sees him with a satchel or rucksack of nonsense held in his hands, as he does his ChickenHat HotStep while clapping to some song playing overhead…. Father and Son bonding over the batshit crazy antics of the mentally challenged…. You can’t beat that with a stick!

Anyways, all of that makes me feel so awesome. The bad lighting, The ceiling that looks like the origin of the plague of Black Lung, the black curtain separating the dressing room from the arena, as various wrestlers peek their heads out, like The Wizard of TNA…. It’s just fun times….

- I’m glad I get to see Jeremy Borash again…. The man loves his job and that’s encouraging to see in today’s job climate. As much shit as I’ve given Borash over the years, if there’s one thing I can say about the guy…. He loves his job and believes in it…. He has to….

Plus, whenever I’m feeling down about myself or a little depressed. All I have to do is pull up an image of Jeremy Borash on the net, place my hands behind my head and utter a huge sigh as I loudly exclaim ‘ at least I’m not THAT guy ‘ …..

But, when you think of TNA, especially the Asylum years…. Certain names pop up in your head…. And Borash is in that group…. Plus, the dude is like the Dick Clark of TNA…. It’s been close to 6 years since TNA ran the fairgrounds?! And the guy looks younger now than he did back then…. He’s like the Benjamin Button of TNA, only a lot more douchier

- Oh, If I see Dixie Carter there, I might face child abandonment charges as I stalk her throughout the building…. I kid, I kid…. But, it will be nice to ( maybe ) see her Milfy self there again, showing all women over the age of 35 what sexy is all about…. I remember her and Dixie Jr, who became a close friend of mine at the time, sitting in the crowd doing there best to get the fans riled up by clapping and cheering am match between Sonny Siaki and probably someone like Julio Dinero…. It didn’t work, but that image will always be in my head…. I remember shooting a look to Dixie Jr. like ‘ WTF?! Do you know you’re ridiculously cheering on a Julio Dinero/ Sonny Siaki match?! Are you on drugs?! Concussion?! ‘And, because we knew each other well, she just shot me a smile like ‘ hey, what am I gonna do?! I’m standing here with my Milfy boss, what would you do?! ‘ …. And I shot her back a look like ‘ you don’t wanna know what I’d do with that woman ‘ …. I was probably the only one, out of the two of us, having this conversation in their head, but I digress….

Those were the days where Dixie was literally on the frontline, you know, when she claimed she would never be on TV like Vince…. She was out meeting people, shaking hands, kissing babies, looking smoking hot as always and me asking Dixie Jr, all the time – ‘ Who is that hot coug you’re always with?! ‘ …. And when she told me, my jaw dropped…. I mean that hot?! I had pictured in my mind, THE Dixie Carter from TV fame…. I expected her to be in a long skirt, satin shirt and sporting a perm…. Not totally bangable_.....

True Story…. Last year I worked at Chili’s for awhile, for extra money…. She used to come in with her family on a semi-regular basis…. And she didn’t recognize me…. After 5 years, I’m not AS hot as I used to be, but let’s be honest here, I’m still THE hottest wrestling blogger around…. Anyways, I’ve taken food to her family’s table several times and I gotta say…. The whole family is a perfect slice of Americana… Nice, Respectful and Generous Tippers…. And, trust me, despite the fact I worked at the Brentwood one, having customers like them were a rarity…. I guess, this is why I secretly and silently pull for TNA…. Her and her family were total class….

And that’s despite the fact I kept peering over the micro, eyeballing her husband, by pulling my two fingers to my eyes and then turning them around to point at him, and then making the slicing motion to my throat with my hand….

I kid, I kid….

- I’m looking forward to being in the mere presence of wrestling royalty and before you start puffing your chest out and fluffing your permamullet, Jarrett, I’m not talking about you…. I’m talking about one man, two words…. Vince Russo…..

Even though my chances of seeing him are pretty slim, just knowing I’m in the same building as the genius himself, is good enough for me…. I liken it to a hardcore Catholic going to The Vatican and being touched by The Pope, without ever seeing him….

I actually, for awhile, stopped eating Krystals and went exclusively to White Castle off Charlotte just for the chance opportunity to run into Russo at White Castle…. His favorite fast food joint, btw…. I’d ask the employees… ‘ You ever seen Vince Russo in here?! ‘ and they’d shoot me an empty and confused look and counter with ‘ Who Dey?! ‘ …. I tried to explain that Vince Russo was a Wrestling God and it was a single person, not a group of ‘ dey ‘ …. Then, I’d order my White Castles and walk out…. What would I do if I ever ran into him?! Good question…. I’d probably just be like ‘ dude, your castles are on me….. ‘ and he’d be like ‘ thanks man, let’s be best friends and talk wrestling for hours over these scrumptious, yet slightly horrible, hamburgers ‘ …. Then he’d get a horrified look on his face, as he realized that while he was talking, I had taken off my shirt, laid on the counter and placed his white castles , literally, on me…..

I kid, I kid…. But, anytime that man wants a free sack o’ White Castles…. All he has to do is camp out at White Castle, for a period of a week until I make my weekly sojourn to McKay’s and then go to White Castle…..

I know, I know, no one understands my love for this middle aged God of Wrestling, but I can’t help it…. The guy is literally both 1A and 1B when it comes to Wrestling royalty to me…. Bringing up Dixie Jr. again, one of my fond moments in TNA was after a PPV one night, she came out and gave me a TShirt and told me to keep quiet about it…. I looked at it for a minute and it was a S.E.X. shirt, anyone remember those?! Anyways, I look at it, look back at her, like ‘ ok, what’s the big deal?! ‘ and she grabbed it from me and pointed to some writing on the upper shoulder….

The writing?! ‘ To the Bro…. Thanks! Vince Russo ‘ ….

She ran away as I let out a blood curdling squeal and probably urinated on the floor…. It was like a chick getting an Elvis scarf at a concert to me….

And, I can tell this story now, because Dixie Jr, no longer works for the company and can’t get in trouble for giving me swag or ‘ sleeping with the enemy ‘ and by enemy, I mean me… BOMB!

- I’m looking forward to seeing AJ Styles again…. The dude is TNA in my opinion…. And seeing him on TNA now, I get a tear darting out of the corner of my eye and cascading down my face thinking ‘ I saw his birth… he’s come so far! ‘ …. Yes, he has a long way to go still, but outside of Low Ki, he’s the most talented TNA home grown wrestler….

I’m interested in seeing Beer Money…. Mainly because I want to see how well Roode and Storm interact and then shake my head going ‘ there no America’s Most Wanted ‘ …. Yes, I despised America’s Most Wanted…. Loathed them… But! I did like Chris Harris and it’ll be like seeing Brad Pitt ( James Storm ) with Angelina ( Roode ) and me screaming out ‘ What about Jennifer ( Chris Harris )?!?!?!?! ‘ and crying and biting a towel out of frustration….

I’m interested in seeing how far Abyss has come…. Never liked him…. But, it’ll be interesting to see if I think he still sucks as bad now as he did when I used to see him live….

I don’t know if Kurt Angle is going to be there or not, but if he is, I’m totally marking out for him…. Despite the fact he looks like a stockier version of my dad now, he’s still one of the greatest wrestlers in the business….

- I sincerely hope, for one night only, they bring back the TNA Cage Girls…. I mean, they were such a HUGE part of the early TNA days…. Soooo many times, when a match got extremely boring…. With someone like The Wall vs. Julio Dinero, people would literally just openly gawk or go talk to the cage girls…. They’re a part of TNA Asylum years probably more than most things are….

These are the things I’m looking forward to the most tomorrow night…. There will be so much more when I actually get there, that will set the nostalgia meter in my head, back to 2003…. It’ll be fun, even if the show will be booked badly, I don’t care…. I will miss the weekly IHOP dinner after the show with the Heel Section…. I’ll miss not seeing Dixie Jr there…. I’ll miss Sarah Lee and Corsica Joe, I will NOT miss the sticky floor that is coated in – God knows what bodily fluid - , I’ll miss seeing Athena carrying ring jackets and carious knick knacks to the dressing room and I’ll miss seeing Don West at the color commentary spot….

But, the thing I won’t miss is the fun…. And, that’s exactly what I’m going to have tomorrow night…. With my son… I’m just going as a wrestling fan….. If you see me, come by and say hi….

thebro1869@yahoo.com