The Bro Remembers The Fairgrounds.....

Jeff ‘ The Crippler ‘ Daniels – Probably one of the best, IF NOT, the best heel in this area…. I’ve always found him to be worth the price of admission, meaning that if he’s on the card, I really have no issue dropping money to see a show…. Which, can’t be said for a lot of the cards around here locally.

I always envision Jeff Daniels being frozen in Carbonite in some seedy , dingy livingroom with Bert Prentice walking around in a house robe with nothing on underneath, stroking some pet dog he’s holding while pacing back in forth in front of frozen Jeff Daniels muttering things like ‘ yessssssssssssss muhahahahahahaha ’ …. Why do I think this?! Because the dude doesn’t seem to age…. AT ALL…. He looks like the same guy I saw wrestle years ago…. It’s quite miraculous….

The Crippler has been a mainstay around Nashville for years, and honestly, we’ve all been kind of spoiled by just how good of a heel he actually is…. Plus, his mic work is some of the best, maybe, on the indy’s as a whole?!

The only negative thing I can say about Jeff Daniels is the fact that he has ‘ Macho Man Legs ‘ …. This was a phrase that was first uttered by my EX at the Stadium Inn, when she first saw him…. And, it was quite the astute observation…. From the waist down, the guys legs look just like Randy Savages…..

If you were hanging with Randy and Jeff and as they were leaving, you dropped something underneath a table, and bent down to pick it up, but then was hit on the top of the head with something knocking you unconscious…. You come to a few minutes later and see someone walking out of your house with the last of your personal possessions, wearing tights and a black hoodie covering up their torso and face, you’d be completely fucked in trying to determine which one of the two decided to jack your stuff while you were unconscious, on just leg identification only….

The Crippler also led to a HUGE fight between me and my Ex as well…. We were watching a show and The Crippler decides to do his infamous ‘ Invisible Chain ‘ move… Where he reaches into his tights, pulls out what appears to be a chain, although you never see it, and then hits his opponent, and quickly stashes the invisible chain back in his tights….

I think the conversation went something like this….

‘ Oh please, he’s acting, there’s no chain there! ‘ she exclaims

‘ whatever, dude got hit with something… you just don’t fall down like that!!! ‘ I say in rebuttal

‘ oh, how precious, he thinks wrestling is real still…. ‘ she says sarcastically as she pats my head

‘ It’s REAL, just SCRIPTED!!!!! ‘ I say as I raise my voice

‘ Whatever gets you through, I suppose…. ‘ she says with a smirk….

I hate smirks….

‘ Yeah, that’s why I masterbate after we have sex... you know, just to get through ‘ I say as I cross my arms across my chest, in a ‘ harrumph ‘ fashion….

‘ What?! ‘ she says aghast

‘ you heard me…. ‘ I say

‘ you’re ridiculous ‘ she retorts….

‘ what’s ridiculous is the fact JEFF DANIELS HAS BETTER LEGS THAN YOU!!!! ‘ I say in anger…..

‘ what?! ‘ she says as she leans over to look me in the eyes….

I see the hurt in her eyes, and the fact she would bite my peen off if given the chance, so I tried to smooth it over….

‘ I said Jeff Daniels likes Big League Chew….. You know… the gum…. It was on the internet…. I read it…. Hi! ‘ I say stumbling

‘ You clearly said Jeff Daniels, that dude in the ring, has better legs than me ‘ she says

‘ Well, you know, it’s apples to oranges, you know, if you think I said, that… WHICH, I did not! ‘ I say

‘ Yeah, he’s a guy, I’m a girl and you say that he has better legs than me?! That’s a HUGE putdown…. ‘ she says mad

‘ Oh, I don’t know about that, they’re silky and smooth and toned and tanned…. It’s somewhat of a compliment…. ‘ I say, not really thinking about the ramifications….

‘ Fuck YOU , you fucking queer! ‘ she said, and that was the last word on the matter…..

And, we never had sex again after that, so Jeff Daniels, you now owe me some vagina, I’m not extremely picky, as long as it meets the following criteria….

1. redhead or strawberry blonde

2. under 110 pounds

3. b-cup or better

4. no noticeable blemishes

5. non smoker

6. no communicable or sexually transmitted diseases

7. ages 20-25

8. makes over 85k a year

I’ll expect you to make this right, Jeff Daniels, in short time….. I mean, I totally queered out for your legs and lost squeesh in the process…..

Rick Santel – I remember when Santel was first getting his foothold here in the Nashville area as a babyface and how annoying his fans were…. I think Rick Santel, Shane Eden and James Storm should have to have a Steel Cage Elimination match, where they all wear the numerous airbrushed shirts of their adoring fans in layers and the only way to win is to strip every last shirt from their body….. That would be one EPIC long match…..

Seriously, I’ve never understood the ‘ I’m going to wear a Hanes Beefy T, with my favorite wrestlers name on it, with hearts, all airbrushed with glitter paint in the failed attempt to try to get them to see past my bulging fat rolls in this XXXL shirt, and see my inner beauty and white trash creativity!!!! ‘ movement….

But, my dear lord! Santel had a ton of these fans….

Seeing him now, compared to then, is like night and day….

He’s gone from the ‘ Elian Gonzalez being pulled from the closet ‘ look to the ‘ middle 20’s, younger version of Lo-Pan from ‘ Big Trouble in Little China ‘ ‘ look…. And he’s also gotten better as a wrestler too…

It has helped tremendously to have Paul Adams be in his corner too…. That guy is the last of a dying breed….

Please, stay Heel, Young Santel…..Never go back to the Chris Vaughn/Santel babyface combo…. The term ‘ babyface ‘ just doesn’t actually encompass how OVER they were as good guys…. I’d say it would be best described as ‘ uterusfaces ‘ , because they were more over than a baby could ever imagine….

That combination alone, accounted in over 4,567 eye rolls from me, back in the day as they took to the ring, high fiving retards and kissing fatties….

It was always fun to locate a Bert Prentice or Bob Ryder when ‘ Risky Business ‘ took to the ring…. They’d both have this look on their face like they were in off in another world, sharing the same daydream, where Bob, Bert, Rick and Chris were naked, all holding hands while ‘ Always Be My Baby ‘ by Mariah Carey was playing, giggling like schoolgirls while skipping through a sunflower field and chasing after a chocolate unicorn shitting out candy canes, that Bob and Bert would suck on seductively, while making suggestive winks and nods at Rick and Chris…..

I really missed out on making a small fortune back then, by making popsicles that resembled Chris Vaughn and Rick Santel and then setting up a stand outside Bob Ryder and Bert Prentice residences…. I could charge 80 dollars a pop, and they’d gladly pay it to suckle upon the tasty goodness of those popsicle embodiments of their boy toy fantasies

I mean, I’m not saying….. I’m just saying…..

Santel’s come a long way…. Like I said, Paul Adams has helped him out tremendously and should take some credit with molding him into being what he is today….

But, if Santel ever goes back to being a babyface, someone should pull the Billy Madison/Fat Kid maneuver on him….

Remember when the fat kid was like ‘ I can’t wait to get to high school ‘ and Billy grabbed his face and shook it violently as he says ‘ don’t you say that… don’t you ever say that ‘ …. That’s what should happen if Santel ever utters anything remotely close to ‘ I wanna be a babyface again ‘….

The Extreme Clown Posse – Back when I first started attending wrestling shows when I was a young teen, I was REALLY, REALLY into The Insane Clown Posse…. I never went the super gay route of painting my face like them, but I had tons of tshirts and went to all their concerts….

That being said, I saw this flyer advertising wrestling at a gym in Madison, and on the flyer was a tag team called ‘ The Extreme Clown Posse ‘ ….. I think I literally yelled out ‘ SOLD! ‘ and decided to go to the show with my cousin….

We get there and see that the show is being held in a gym…. But, not a massive, 24/7, gym…. No, this was a gym that would have been better called ‘ Excaliber Gym….. And Large Closet ‘ ….. It was small…. Dingy….But!!!! The Extreme Clown Posse was gonna be there, and if they were gonna be there, I was gonna be there, with my Faygo in tow and expecting to see some EXTREME CLOWN WRESTLING…..

After sitting through some crappy matches, the Extreme Clown Posse music hits, and we rise to our feet…. And then I’m let down….

When I was 8, my dad and mom went to a company Christmas party and they had gotten home around 3 a.m.....DRUNK ….. I wake up around 3 and decide to go to the bathroom…. I open my door to walk down the hallway, when I see a guy in a Santa costume standing with his back facing me down the hall….

I excitedly scream out ‘ SANTA!!!!! ‘

And my dad turns his head around and says ‘ what the helllllllll?! ‘ and I notice he had been pissing on the hallway floor and as he turns it start cascading down the walls….

I run off screaming and to this day, I’ve never let my dad live that moment down…. My mom insists it never happened….

But, I digress….

I expected to see Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope look alike guys in clown makeup wrestling, and I was extremely let down….

It was like my dad in a Santa Clause outfit – UNFAIR REPRESENTATION!!!!!

However, once they got in the ring, I forgot all about being let down and had fun with their match, because they did….

In fact, I remember them singing a song after their match with the overhead music, and they held the mic over my mouth as I sang along to whatever was playing….

Yes, I just got the seal of a mark stamped across my forehead with that admission

One little sidenote of that night….. And a story I tell to this day….

I used the bathroom at Excalibur Gym that night and I remember shaking my head and looking on in disgust at the toilet bowl, with no walls around it sitting out in plain view of other bathroom users, thinking to myself “ who uses that?! And where’s the toilet paper?!“ ….. Then I got this mental image of Bert Prentice sitting there, using it, flipping through the pages of ' gay wrestler ' monthly and looking at you, staring at him while he's yelling out ‘ can I get some privacy please!!!! THE NERVE! ‘ and giggled a little….

I quickly made my way to a urinal and was standing next to someone when I noticed they were looking over at me…. I was creeped out and slowly turned my head to face that person….. They then utter ‘ you know you’ll always have this moment to tell your friends about ‘ and I start nervously laughing, sweat beading up on my forehead, thinking about what was coming next, because I thought I was gonna get de brained from behind and then gay raped after that statement, because the guy saying it, was wearing a leather taxi cab drivers hat, and I knew only one kind of person wears those hats…. gay raping in public bathroom people..... - THOSE PEOPLE…..

His next words shocked me….

‘ you can always tell them you took a piss next to the WORLD FAMOUS Bat Poet ‘ ….

I was like ‘ what?! ‘ and he just walked out….

I then went home and quickly learned who the Bat Poet was….

So yeah, I took a piss next to the ‘ world famous ‘ Bat Poet ….. I wonder if that can get me laid with Lollipop?! That’s total street cred, right?!

I understand that ECP wasn’t necessarily a fairgrounds fixture, but Krull was, and they entertained me, so I’m putting them in here…. Yeah, I was let down, but they put on a good show with their antics in and out of the ring and sometimes, as a worker, it’s ok to be good at that stuff, if you’re not the best wrestler…. A lot of people could heed that advice….

thebro1869@yahoo.com