Instant TNA Impact Thoughts

These are my Instant TNA Impact thoughts....

- First off, it was good to see Jonathan Lipnicki sitting in the front row.... He looks like he hasn't aged in like ten years, since ' Jerry Maguire ' .... Like a preserved fetus in a glass jar... i.e. - like Jeremy Borash

- Secondly, I don't really give a shit about Douglas Williams and I think most people will echo these sentiments... I hardly doubt anyone is clamoring for Douglas Williams merchandise and what exactly would his merchandise be?! Exclusive French Cuffs for your oxford shirt?! Or just go with the ever classy Douglas Williams cufflinks.... Because, I'm assuming that's what his little movement is before he starts his match.... Buckling imaginary cuffs.... Either that or combined with the faces he makes entering the ring, one could assume he's stroking out.... If Douglas Williams and Ric Flair somehow made sweet, sweet love and produced a baby, it would strut around and make stroking out faces and people would swear, literally 24/7 that it was having an epileptic seizure.... It would be morbidly terrifying, yet I'd love to see that....

- Does Roode give Storm the wrong directions to the gym?! Because Roode looks like a goddamn man mountain rock and Storm looks like someone got a pile of flesh colored play-do and put a goofy cowboy hat on it.... Come on Storm, your bitch tits are bigger than Samoa Joe and at least Joe has a built in excuse.... Samoans are known for their man tittays.... Step your game up Storm, because even 16 year old ring rats in airbrushed t-shirts have standards.... On the bright side, you now have bigger tits than someone in the Knockouts division.... Sarita....

Speaking of...

- Sarita = The Mexican Edge with a Vagina tonight... STEALING the win from Madison Rayne....

- The Guest Ref is obviously going to screw Matt Morgan out of the title at the PPV.... It doesn't matter who it is.... This is grossly obvious.

- I really like this Robbie E guy.... Somewhere Disco Inferno is clutching his stained wifebeater and falling to his knees on his shag carpeted living room floor, while screaming out ' WHY COULDN'T I COME INTO WRESTLING NOWWWWWWW?! ' while thrusting his fists towards the heavens in pure anguish....

- I can't stress enough how I don't buy The Pope as a main eventer and would someone please explain the pimped out medical mask he's wearing?! WTF is that supposed to be?! ' POPE......IS..........PIMPING...... And...... Saving you from his communicable disease ' ..... Jarrett has been pretty money is his newfound heel role and that vignette with the kids last week was one of the most entertaining things on Impact in a year....

Mike Tenay looks so angry all the time…. Why is that?! I think he has everyone fooled…. Everyone thinks he’s some nice old man who thinks he’s in the 1920’s Vaudeville Era, getting dressed up to go to a play…. However, I can see in that face, an angry, bitter man…. One that probably goes home after smiling at everyone and saving cats from certain perils in trees, slamming the door and walking around the house in a stained wife beater, boxers, sock suspenders, sipping on a glass of brandy and yelling at his wife ‘ I’m the fucking professor, and I’m professing if you don’t get me some goddamn food, I’m going to show your face the reason they call me ‘ IRON ‘ Mike Tenay, got that bitch woman?! ‘ ….. All while kicking his family dog and looking over at a caged naked and dirty, Tony Schiavone wearing a shock collar and a ball gag who is given the leftovers from whatever Tenay doesn’t eat to sustain him until the next day.....

He looks like he should be arm wrestling Wink Martindale for game show hosting duties instead of calling a wrestling match…. I can’t support this any longer. It’s driving me insane….

‘ Iron ‘ Mike Tenay…. ‘ Professor ‘ Mike Tenay…. Whatever you want to call him, I suggest calling him ‘ Unemployed’ Mike Tenay, that has a nice ring to it…. His little flipping out instances, yelling at Taz and yelling at certain performers, hint of a man with pent up aggression and a danger to not only himself but to others… See, my Tony Schiavone and Ol’ Ball and Chain Tenay references above…. Maybe it’s the fact he’s balding, because I’ve heard balding men go through a mid life crisis, where they get angry and defiant…. I wouldn’t know with my beautiful mane, but that’s the story I’ve heard on the streets…. Or maybe he’s just a man made up on the inside of pure evil, poured there from Satan's tea pitcher of evil juice…. I don’t know…. All I know is I’m tired of seeing his angry potato head face on TV every Thursday yelling about some bullshit and informing me the last time a Michinoku Death Nerve Eye Gouge was used in a ring on a Thursday, during Half Tide in a leap year at precisely 8:23:12 p.m. In the year of our lord A.D. ….. NO ONE GIVES A FUCK

Which should be Dixie Carter's battle cry when she fires him….

‘ But Dixie, people love me, I’m their wrestling genius grandfather at the announce table, this is not a good business decision ‘

That’s she stands up, preferably not clad in any clothing

And Scream out…

NO ONE GIVES A FUCK

And that’s when I’ll peek my head around the corner and raise an eyebrow and go ‘ Did someone say something about a Fuck?! ‘

As security tackles me to the ground while I’m screaming out…. ‘ I’m still 45 feet away goddammit!!!! 45 FEET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘

- Great job TNA booking team.... Great Job making us all care about the AJ Styles Vs. Douglas Williams... With weeks and weeks of pure emotional buildup between the two, I cannot wait to see the conclusion to this mepic, drama filled storyline that could go down as one of the most heated rivalries in sports entertainment today.... oh.... wait....