SAW TV REVIEW - 12/18/2010

Yes, I'm back! Everyone's favorite SAW TV reviewer, not named Larry Goodman, is here.... Much to the delight of allllll the ladies and much to the chagrin of SAW.....

I'll start off the report with a positive.... This show was better than the last one I reviewed.... See below for that review of a trainwreck of freight cars filled with burning human feces.... This week we were treated to no Blackjack Brown or extended Dyanna Dawnn segments. Luckily, I heard the Government has taken those tapes and are now using them as a new form of torture against terrorists. Instead of waterboarding them or using any other ' inhumane ' forms of torture, they now just show SAW TV tapes featuring Blackjack Brown and Dyanna Dawn.... I heard it's highly effective... Within 2 minutes, they're screaming ' I tell you everything. just stop making me watch this madness.... fat old man dressed up like cowboy, then fat old man dress up like woman country singer.... this is pure madness! I surrender my secrets, just hit stop! ' .... Look, I got nothing against them both, but if I want my wrestling TV show to be taken seriously, they never make it on.... You showcase your best on Tv, leave those two clowns for the local people to see at the shows.... It's like me walking into a bar, spotting a hot milf, buying her a drink and going ' did I tell you I love Star Wars, Professional Wrestling, Comic Books and action figures?! ' ..... That does nothing for me.... Instead I walk up to her and I go ' did you hear my penis is the size of a baby elephants snout?! ' .... and then she's ready for the show.... But, enough about them.... Moving on....

We get to see the returning Leah Hulan from Grumpy's Bail Bonds in a Santa Outfit that shows off her wonderful tits.... I wonder if those things produce Egg Nog this time of year... Tis' the season!

Now, on to the review...

Changing it up this week....

I'm just going to key in on the good and bad parts of the show.... Because, let's face it here, if you want a GREAT review of the show, we'll just wait on Larry Goodman's post.... Until then, let's key off on the madness of my review.... The good will be called ' The Shit! ' and the bad will be called ' Awwww Shit '

The Shit -

Paul Adams - Anytime this man is on my TV, it usually equals money.... In fact, his nickname should be ATM, because anytime the dude is on a show, you can guarantee you can bank on pure money in his performance. He's made holding a towel cool again. Somewhere Jerry Tarkanian watches his wielding of a towel and a tear runs down his face at the justice that Paul Adams gives this underrated prop piece.

Kid Kash - What's there to say about this guy?! He's a pro through and through. I think Kash should just start a company called ' Replacement Badass ' and you could just hire him on a daily basis to be your personal badass.... Your boss taking advantage of you in the workplace and you don't have the balls to say no?! Well then hire Kid Kash as your replacement badass and watch the carnage ensue....

Boss - ' Hey, I need you to work over tonight, gotta have those reports due ASAP '

You - ' Ummm ok.... i guess ' as you start sweating nervously

Kid Kash comes out from under your desk

Kash - ' Hey asshole, my boy here isn't working over, he isn't going to do your goddamn reports and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it... in fact, we're leaving now and we're gonna go to your house, he's gonna record me banging your wife, then we're gonna drink your top shelf shit and if you're lucky, he'll flush after he dumps a loaf in your toilet before leaving '

Boss - ' Who are you?! '

Kash - ' I'm Kid Motherfuggin' Kash.... Replacement Badass '

Then have some cool catchy-voiced ladies singing ' Kid Kash - Replacement BadAss '

I think that's money.... Because, the dude is pretty intimidating...

He brought out Reno Riggins and promised him that he would find the ' asshole ' and ' piece of shit ' who stole the equipment and tapes from the show a few weeks back and ' choke them out '

I nervously look over at my boxes of SAW tapes postmarked to ' America's Funniest Home Videos ' laugh nervously, then start sweating, rubbing my neck, going ' goddammit! I don't wanna get choked out! '

Jeff Daniels - Yes, ' Macho Man Legs ' made a surprise appearance on the show and attacked Hammerjack.... I love Jeff Daniels.... He's the best promo man in the Nashville market and has been for years. I also love how he's like a genetic experiment gone wrong.... He's like ' The 6 Million Dollar Man ' , only in this show... They took Macho Man Randy Savages legs and mixed them up with Vince Neil's Hair and Headband from Motley Crue and then you get Jeff Daniels.... He's also tied into the ' awwww shit ' list down below, but nothing he did caused it

Leah Hulan - Ahhhhhhh, this lady literally makes me want to commit a crime, just so I can call her to bail me out.... Which, totally defeats the purpose of the commercials, but GOOD GOD! man.... She was dressed in her Santa outfit, with her tits literally popping out, promoting the fact that Grumpy's was sponsoring the SAW Christmas Show and every kid that comes gets a present.... This had me going through my closet, feverishly looking for my ' Dukes of Hazzard ' footie pajamas from 1985 and hoping they still fit, so I could go down there, try to pass myself off as a kid and get to sit on her lap and tell her what I want for Christmas, which would have been a combination of the following

1. her tits
2. my peen
3. silly putty
4. elmers glue
5. pool stick
6. electrical tape
7. a pack of pork rinds

David Young - He wrestled Vordell Walker on the show, which I often called ' Nashville's Maven ' since he looks just like him, but I digress... I've always liked David Young. Never understood how he didn't get a bigger push in TNA, during the earlier years.... He had the best Spinebuster outside of Arn Anderson, and honestly, he was probably better at it than him in his prime.... He came out wearing a muscle body suit, because Paul Adams had said that he was Young's new ' lifecoach ' and he has been hitting the gym hard recently....

It was a pretty funny look. But, I'm all for David Young having that gigantic - mid term - baby stomach.... I've always thought it would have been awesome had Young cut a promo saying how he does the spinebuster better than Arn and that he was tired of everyone correlating Arn with the Spinebuster instead of him, so he was changing the name to ' Gutbuster Supreme ' and then everytime, before he hit it.... He would rub his belly, much like Booker does the ' 5 time ' and Cena does the ' U Can't See Me ' before they hit their moves....

I've said many times that in the Dead Sea Scrolls, there's a part about how David Young, at the end of the world, was going to go around destroying everyone and sending their souls to either heaven or hell.... If he met you and you were going to heaven, you got to rub his belly and feel the unborn messiah kick..... If you were going to hell, well he'd just hit you with a spinebuster that would crack the earth's crust and send you straight to beelzebub.... David Young, the pregnant member of the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse.....

The ' Awwwww Shit '

Rick Santel - I like Santel, but tonight on the show, he looked like the Mexican Bo Bice and trust me you clowns, The American Bo Bice is nothing you'd want to emulate your look after either.... He went from looking like ' Lo-Pan ' in 'Big Trouble in Little China ' to looking like the Spanish Version of A Runner-Up on American Idol.... However, I can't fault him. He has a hot piece of ass with him.... I did laugh at a closeup of him, hitting Vordell Walker when he was tossed from the ring.... It clearly showed Santel with his hand on Vordell's head and then taking his other hand and hitting his the hand on Walker's head.... Then they quickly switched camera views....

Vince Gill - Look, I'm all about time traveling and some 1995 Vince Gill, but please Reno, get the delorean filled up with some plutonium, and take Vince Gill who was holding the mic for you and Kash and quickly take him back to where you found him.... Probably Amy Grant's bedroom.... While a drunken Gary Chapman was passed out downstairs with a bottle of scotch listening to ' I Still Believe in You '

Michael Graham - Oh man..... When Jeff Daniels hit the ring to attack Hammerjack, Michael Graham repeatedly, after various closeups on Jeff Daniels, kept repeating about how he had no idea who this ' unknown assailant ' was.... Somewhere, Stevie Wonder is screaming from his couch ' Even I know that's Jeff Fucking Daniels, idiot! ' .... He was probably just following script, but good lord.... Who ok'd that?! He's arguably one of the best known Tennessee indy wrestlers in the last ten to fifteen years and this j-brone is acting like he's Shane Eden in paternity court screaming ' i don't know who dis' bitch is! ' .....

Sigmon - Decent wrestler.... Actually he's above decent.... But, he looks like the dude at my company working in the IT department.... He needs a new look. Something that distinguishes him.... Like I said, he's a good wrestler, but totally forgettable... Change the name.... Makes you sound like a fucking scholastic professor, instead of a wrestler and get a distinguishing characteristic....

BTW - The Fairgrounds show that SAW is putting on looks pretty badass. I'd get your tickets if I were you. I will be there, so ladies, bring extra changes of underpants....

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