SAW TV Review : 12/4/2010

First off, I just want to thank SAW for fulfilling one of my wishes in life.... No, they didn't mickey-up a Dixie Carter, put her in a burlap sack and deliver her to my house - SADLY - .... However, they did show me what Jabba The Hut looked like as a child, and to that, I thank them and can check off one of the things I've been pondering since I was a kid.... You're probably asking yourself ' Bro, I know you partake in the imbibing of alcohol and you obviously write blogs, but when you mix the two, you make absolutely no fucking sense " ....

And, I'd agree, but if you watched this show, you'll know what I'm talking about.... There's this..... Ummmm..... Thing..... This big massive girth of fat walking around in a red shirt, who would walk up to the wrestlers, particularly Chase Stevens, and wave and try to get their attention.... Chase was smart and avoided it. Because, that thing wasn't waving to get Chase's attention for an autograph or a high five... No, it had a much sinister plot.... It wanted to ensnare Chase in one of the 45 fat rolls it had on it's bulbous body, capturing him until it could flee to an awaiting car, then put him in shackles while wearing a Princess Leia bikini and laughing while saying ' baba ju baba '......

at least that's what I was thinking....

That's my painting of the kid up above.... I'll take offers for purchase.... It's great, I know....

anyways, on to the show!

Michael Graham is a good announcer, however if I could make a suggestion, I'd keep him off camera time.... just have him announcing.... First, he grips the mic just under his mouth and caresses it, as if it's a huge dick he's about to go down on....

' But, Bro he's probably not gay ' ....

I'll give you that, I don't know him from Adam, however, he looks like a gay and caresses that mic like he thinks it's Adam Lambert's peen, so I'm just saying.... Plus, on TV he looks like he should be on my computer screen when I pull up sexual predators that live within my vicinity online.... I literally screamed ' Kids, run pedophile alert!!!!!!!!! ' in the direction of my kids, when he came on the screen, then they quickly reminded me that he was, IN FACT, on TV and not in my actual living room.... I breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat off my brow....

First Match

Johnny Bandana Vs. BlackJack Brown

Match was nothing special.... Why do I say that? Easy... It ended with a Lariat.... A motherfucking Lariat, which let's face it, when performed by Blackjack Brown should just be called A Clothesline.... You can put a ' I love Pussy!!!! ' shirt on Bert and have three chicks clinging to his legs, begging for his penis, and he's still a huge gay.... Much like you can call that finishing move a lariat, but in fact, it was nothing more than a clothesline....

What can be said about Blackjack Brown.... Well, he dresses like a cowboy, but it's not very convincing.... In fact, his outfit of cowboy hat, chaps with tassles on them and cap guns, kinda makes him look like a 40 year old mentally challenged patient that goes to Walmart and rides the quarter-horse outside while shooting his capguns off screaming about ' indians '..... Most people would walk by and feign a smile like ' oh, isn't that cute, the retard thinks it's real.....' and the others would quickly usher their kids into the store, giving him casty-eye looks as he screams out ' hey kids, wanna see my bullrope?! ' ....

Johnny Bandana - Aptly named... He looks like my cousin, Ricky Morton, version 2.0 .... Bandanas wrapped around his calves and oversells everything like a mother.... I mean he wasn't bad, but when Blackjack beats you with a lariat, I mean, what am I supposed to type here?!

I loved the announcer during this match... He tried to explain why Blackjack Brown didn't look so physically impressive by saying he was ' country strong ' and that you wouldn't want to meet him in a back alley.... I laughed out loud, maniacally, when I heard that.... ' Wouldn't want to meet him in a back alley?! ' .... For real?! I'm pretty sure unless he drugged me or injected me with some kind of ' old man running ability ' serum, I could literally walk briskly past him if he was trying to come after me down a dark alley.... All while taunting him ' hey, you old fuck, you look ridiculous dressed like a goddamn cowboy at your age!!!! and cap guns?! WTF dude ?!?!?!? bwahahahahahahaha ' .... I mean, there's trying to explain things with certain wrestlers and then there's this....

Just be like ' Blackjack Brown doesn't look very physically imposing in the ring.... Because, well, he isn't.... But, he might lull you to sleep by thinking he's a mental invalid with a cowboy fetish and then hit you with a clothesline, which I will oversell as a lariat '.....

Sheesh... I'm really not sure how this match made it on TV.... As I stated previously.... Blackjack Brown won, with a Lariat....

Then it was time for the Dyanna Dawnn segment, which could quite possibly be put into contention for the ' Best/Worst moment in Nashville Television history ' and that's up against some stuff competition from Cable Access legend - Bat Poet.... Actually, check that, The Bat Poet - a grown man in a batman outfit, singing songs and doing skits which make absolutely no sense using stuffed animals - looks like Emmy Award winning material compared to anything with this bitch on it....

First of all, she has to be 95, at the youngest.... And she thinks she's going to be a HUGE country star... I don't like to crush dreams, but when you look like you literally just crawled out of a casket, I don't know if you got what it takes.... Call me crazy.... And look, we're all going to get old and die.... I get that, but whoever is putting her on TV and trying to push her dream of being a 'country music star ' , well you're a sick, disgusting person with no morality and no decency, and quite frankly, I think it's awesome....

It's a trainwreck you can't look away from.... When I said she looks like she crawled from the casket, it's not an overstatement.... She's wearing some crumpled red shirt.... her hair looks like Aunt Bea from ' Andy Griffith ' did it for her and her teeth, MY GOD, those ghastly teeth.... They looked like she not only crawled out of a casket, but she crawled through the dirt over the top of it, eating it along the way... They're all stained and gross looking.... Look like someone decided to play a trick on her and gave her a shit sammich to eat and she didn't brush her teeth....

And that, my friends, is the nice things I can say about her....

Because that singing.... You know, how they say when you hear a ' Banshee ' sing on the Irish moors, how someone is about to die.... Well, fuck the banshee, because when you hear her sing, she not only kills your ears, you'll wish you were dead afterwards.... It's just bad. Larry Goodman said it was 'karaoke bad', and he's a very sweet man, for saying that.... I literally have gone to karaoke, seen a guy get shit faced, fall face first on the stage, knock out three teeth, and continue to sing ' I'm Broken ' by Pantera and he carried a tune better than her, and all he did was mumble bumble through the song with his bloody mouth.....

She claims she has won singing competitions at Ihop and various other dining establishments and that's just sad.... And hilarious.... Because, what she's not telling you, is the fact those nights are the ' spaghetti suppers for the hearing and mentally impaired ' nights.....

It's just a beautiful disaster to see this on a wrestling show.... Add to that the computer generated background of falling white roses behind her and you have utter hilarity.... You know how people will say ' my shit smells like roses ' , being sarcastic because their shit stinks like mad... Well, the nashville wrestling scene can use a new saying now... ' your shit smells worse than dyanna dawns singing ' ....

And before you think I'm being overly mean, which I am, just check out her webpage.... http://www.imperial-rednecks.com/

Seriously, tell me that doesn't look like the type of woman that has a bunch of her porcelain dolls lined up in her living room with about twenty cats, and THAT is what she considers ' her concerts ' .....

And after that, I felt bad for Chase Stevens and Shane Williams.... I mean, how do you follow an act like that?!

Their match lasted, literally, the last 30 minutes of the show, because they had to run 5 commercial spots, each one of them reminding us about ' The Fight Before Christmas ' .... I mean, I heard that commercial so many times, I can tell you the who, what, when and where of this show, probably more than I could my own kids birth dates and the size of my penis.... I'm kidding, I can totally tell you the penis size..... the kids birth dates, that's a stretch.... I kid, I kid....

not really....

But, I guess the SAW marketing department knew what they were doing....

The match was very old school southern style match.... Which, was good, they both worked a good match and I've always been a fan of Chase Stevens.... He could literally walk to the ring, pull his tights down, take a shit, roll around in it, and cover it for a three count and I'd stand up and scream ' 4 stars! that's right... 4 star match... could'a been 5, but that shit couldn't work! ' ..... Shane Williams little persona of being ' The King ' is kinda funny and he plays it well. I liked it.... Good main event, although I would have shortened it and I definitely would have put on a better opening match than what we had....

Shane Williams won the match and then Derek King and Tommy Mercer took to the ring for a beatdown on Chase Stevens....

Not a bad show, especially with the main event... That was worth watching, but that first match.... The drizzling shits, would be a compliment.... I'd call it the ' explosive, scattershot, did I really eat THAT?!, it's raining shit ' shit....

And Dyanna Dawnn... Holy Fuck.... I'd literally pay money to see her on TV every week.... Equal parts, creepy, crappy and sad.... Makes for good TV....

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