The Bro Has Returned!

So, after a few years of hiatus, The Bro, has decided to once again grace the wrestling world with his commentary….

I know, I know, I’ve been missed…. Much like the fake wood paneled walls of a trailer that sits on the Maury county line, that houses an underage ringrat, misses seeing those late night visits from James Storm, I know deep down, that wrestling has missed me.....

A lot has changed since I covered TNA when it ran out of “ The Mecca “ , which is akin to nowadays calling The Stadium Inn, " Madison Square Gardens "…. But, one thing has stayed the same…. The World of Wrestling, never…. EVER, fails to entertain me…. And thus, I feel compelled to “ try “ to entertain the world of wrestling…..

In the years I was away from wrestling I had time to look back on things. I did and wrote things I wasn’t proud of. I went from people holding signs with my name on it at TNA events, people calling out my name “ BRO! “ and being threatened by Curt Hennig over an internet posting, to being quite literally, the loneliest guy in the world…. And during those times, you have a lot of time to reflect on how you wound up in the position you are in…. I’ve learned a lot since those days.

BUT!, I can assure you, that if you were a fan of “ The Bro “ during those days, I will not fail you in living up to my past…. And, if you hated me ( which , let’s face it, most of my notoriety was based off people hating me ) as “ The Bro “ back in those days, well then, I can assure you, you’ll still hate me now….

*Jeremy Borash, I’m clearly looking at you, kid *

People will say I’m just bitter about the way The Heel Section and myself were treated during the final days of me attending TNA and I have an axe to grind…. I couldn’t disagree with that more, I walked away from that scene on my own accord, for my own reasons…. Do I think it was a stupid decision, made by a group of morons who couldn’t grasp simple business ethics 101? Yes…. Do, I hold any hard feelings over it 5 years later? Absolutely not….

Look…. I’ve been verbally threatened by the likes of Curt Hennig, James Storm and Cassidy O’Reilly, who once told me that if I ever wrote “ bad “ stuff about him again, he’d rip my head off my shoulders and shit down my throat…. Which, I had to point out, made him a magician, if he preformed such an act, because the neck ends at the shoulders, and by removing my head first, shitting down my throat second, would be a miracle, unless he was a magician with a magic wand, which I assumed he wasn't, because any magician worth his salt, would have made his own BACNE disappear, but I digress….

Anyways, I’ve been verbally threatened by more than those three, but I still love wrestling and I’ll be the first to tell you that James Storm in Beer Money, has put on some classic matches with the Motor City Machine Guns…. The point being, just because I’ve had some sh*tty experiences with TNA and it’s employees over the years, doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t give credit where credit is due….And write the best wrestling articles, that I know how.

So, I’m back…. And things with The Bro, have changed, but some things will never change…. Such as

- My Love for Vince Russo – I still think Vince gets a bum rap in wrestling. My man crush is and has always remained intact. I think the guy is an evil genius and if given the right set of circumstances, can pull off some more miracles. Yes, he has misses, but we all do. The Bro doesn’t always pound some hot squeash when I go out to the bars, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a legend with the ladies…. And that’s Vince…. He’s a legend, even if in the twilight of his career, he can’t always hit a homerun…..

- I still love hotties…. My penis didn’t just magically disappear… I’m still a man…. Therefore, I still love the hotties….

- I’m more controversial now, than I was then, with my writing and probably more vitriolic. So, expect more of the same…. An equal dose of comedy and hatred all mixed into one big steaming pile of wrestling casserole….

- I still prefer, and I think anyone with a brain that’s not equal to a child or someone who just had a lobotomy would agree, WWE over TNA. The overall product is just so much more enjoyable to watch and get into, more than TNA.

- I still think Dixie Carter is the hottest milf/coug/soccer mom on the planet…. Even if she is the most uncharismatic and total black hole of enthusiasm on screen, no one can deny THAT hotness. Well, maybe Bob Ryder or Abyss could…. And maybe James Storm, since she’s over the age of 16…. I kis, I kid…. No seriously, I don’t….

- I still think AJ Styles is the best wrestler on the TNA roster, outside of Kurt Angle now…. But his character has just gone completely effin’ goofy….

What I like about TNA right now….

- Lacey Von Erich – Let’s face it, the girl couldn’t wrestle her away to the approval and standing ovation from the school of the blind kids, but she is, without a doubt, the hottest and sexiest Diva in wrestling…. And seriously, when do we even care about 5 star matches with women? Who cares about women wrestling? Just give me 5 minutes of hot broadss on the mat rubbing up and down on each other and you can suck my 30 dollars from my wallet once a month….

- My Andernnedy ….. Loved this guy in WWE, love him in TNA and even if TNA is doing it’s best to try to kill his character, which let’s face it, they are…. He still somehow shines. And it’s not even a mystery, so I don’t know why I said “ somehow “ …. The guy drips charisma and personality…. If Dixie Carter is the center of the black hole for all things charisma and personality, Mr. Andernnedy is at the other end of the spectrum. This guy should be champion

- Ric Flair ….. I don’t care how old the guy is, he continues to entertain. Week in and week out and at his age, he’s still putting on matches that trump most of the matches on a TNA card….. which either tells you how good he is or how bad the roster is ( I’ll let you decide on that ) And, let’s face it…. The Naitch and The Bro share one thing in common…. The taste of fine women… How could you not love some old ass man thrusting his pelvis to a girl in the audience telling her she’s gonna be up all night long with him? You can’t, so don’t fight it….

- Eric Bischoff …. I used to despise this guy. I really, really did…. And then I read his book and he was such a total egomaniac cockhead, that I developed a newfound respect for the guy. I don’t adore him, on the level I do a Russo, but I like him on TV. There’s no denying the fact the good is about as good as it gets, as a Heel character and draws genuine heel heat when the time comes, but even as a quasi face, which is what he’s been recently, he’s held up quite nicely.

- Motor City Machineguns…. I mean, c’mon…. This is a no brainer…. Like someone posing me the question of “do you like to knock one out to pictures of Lacey Von Erich on the internet? “

Things I don’t like about TNA

- EV 2.0 – Are you kidding me? This is what ECW has become…. A bunch of old out of shape wrestlers who have decided to tarnish their legacy more than Vince could ever dream to do? What does the “ EV “ stand for anyways? – Extremely Vaginal ? That’s what they look and act like to me…. I used to LOVE Tommy Dreamer…. Now he gets in the ring looking like my dad about to cut the grass with garbage bag pants on…. Are you kidding me? I feel ashamed that I used to scour the channels and try to pick up an ECW show on America One way back in the day, to see that they’ve eventually become this…. Groveling at the feet of Dixie Carter…. “ Oh thank you Dixie for giving us the chance…. “ PLEASE… Hopefully she’ll give them the opportunity and chance to find their balls and dignity , because they’re desperately lacking

- Abyss – He’s always been the worst thing I’ve ever seen…. I’ve taken shits after an all night bender of Jack Daniels and Soft Tacos that look better than Abyss…. Whenever I see him, I just contemplate what he could possibly smell like…. And none of it is appeasing…. I bet he smells like sweaty balls and pork rinds and cheese all mixed together, left out in the sun and then rubbed over an exhumed corpse…. That smell alone is enough to describe what I think of him in the ring…. Just because you’re hardcore and love to get bloody, doesn’t make you a good wrestler…. Hit the gym as much as you hit the penis and you’ll move up my charts….

- The TNA Crowd…. Holy Mark Shit, Batman! …. Are you kidding me?! Look, anyone who is objective and not sheep, can tell you straight up, that crowd, no matter how much enthusiasm they show, suck…. The lower portion of the crowd, looks like they just sent an open invitation to all owners of websites like “ tnarulzomgmuchmorethanwwe.com “ and “ ihatevincemcmahonbecauseillneverbeasawesomeasheisandihaveasmalldick.com “ … I mean seriously…. Your chants suck, they lack any creativity or originality…. You cheer like you should have pompoms and a skirt on anytime Borash holds free backstage passes over your head, like an owner making a dog do a trick for a snack…. Whatever boner I get from watching Lacey Von Erich on screen, quickly deflates and all that man juice floods to my testostorone and fuels my hatred for the fans…. Then the upper half portion of the crowd look like Universal Studio tourist zombies that have been baked in the sun and the tightness of their fanny packs have cut off circulation their brain, so they just sit there…. Blank expressions on their face…. Trying, desperately to figure out where they are and what they are watching….

- Taz and Mike Tenay ….. For Real?! Tenay still wearing a Tux? How laughable is that?! You’re announcing wrestling…. You’re not a butler…. And Taz… God Bless you…. I loved you…. I got into fights with my friends when you debuted in WWE defending your awesomeness…. And this is the thanks I get? Pssssshhhh…NUGGA please….. I sometimes wonder if Taz is watching a totally different show on the video at the announce table. Like the boys are trying to play a rib on him, by showing him another show instead of the one taking place, because most of the time, he seems totally lost…. And then, when he realizes how off he is, he’ll just drop a “ yambag “ reference…. Remember “ Billy Madison “ , when that fat kid was like “ I can’t wait to get to high school! “ and Billy grabs his face, and shakes it violently while saying “ don’t say that… don’t you ever say that “ …..I just want to do that to Tazz everytime he drops a “ yambag “ on the air….. And then I want to tell him to “ go home “ to WWE….

- Entrance Music – It seriously sounds like elevator or department store jazzy renditions of the hits…. Only, it’s the TNA version of “ let’s take your WWE theme song, make a keyboard duplicate, off a few keys and notes, and use this as your entrance music… oh! And let’s make it ten times more horrible and make it sound like a shit sundae with extra shit sprinkles on top “ …. Does Abyss’ music actually make him sound menacing? No… It makes it sound like I’m going to a carnival…. A really shitty one with big hand midgets looking to touch me in inappropriate places…. Jeff Hardy’s music….. Seriously? It sounds like the entrance music guru just decided to mail it in that day, because it sounds like some generic video game entrance music for a jobber wrestler named something like “ Johnny Blue Jeans “ …. And that’s what the majority of all TNA entrance music sounds like…. Generic, mid 90’s wrestling video game, jobber themes….. The worst? Jay Lethal’s….. It sounds like the music interlude between 90’s Canadian League football highlights….

These lists can go on and on…. And I’ll continue it in my next installment…. This was just the first post and a “ Welcome Back, Bro “ blog post, I gotta go pound some squeash and party with some hot broads…. Leave comments, send emails…. The Bro….. Is….. Back! Email me - thebro1869@yahoo.com