TNA : The Whole F'N Blog

This will be my thoughts on the TNA Thursday night special - The Whole F'N Show....

But first, I must address Eric Bischoff.... I retract my statements about how I like him in TNA now...

Why?

Simple....

He's a moronic, stupid fuckface.

Why?

He's been all over facebook today, railing about social media sites and how Wrestling fans on the net are a small and unimportant portion of the overall wrestling crowd.....

This all stems from Bischoff getting bent over the E-table and taking it up the E-ass yesterday when someone hijacked his beard's ( Hogan ) twitter page and posted the false update of his beard and himself leaving TNA.

IF ONLY it was fucking true. Damn you Wrestling gods.... DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!! * said with great emotion as I thrust my fist to the heavens and lightning strikes all around me as rain pours all over my pained face *

This all cracks me up, because as I fucking type, I SHIT YOU NOT, on facebook right now, Dixie Carter is posting about how " there's one fall left for the TNA Tag Team Championships! ZOMG! " imploring people ON THE NET, on the BIGGEST SOCIAL MEDIA SITE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WEB, to watch the show.... In fact, here are her updates....

Dixie Carter President of TNA Wrestling I have to say, I totally forgot I was TNA President during that tag match & screamed like crazy. I was so lost in the moment. Congrats guys

Dixie Carter President of TNA Wrestling Amazing tag team action RIGHT NOW. Beer Money vs Guns. Off the charts. One fall left. Series tied at 2-2. Proud moment for TNA.

Dixie Carter President of TNA Wrestling This tag match is off the charts. If you have not tuned in yet, there is one one fall left in the Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money match. Tied 1-1. And tied 2-2 in the series. Such a proud moment fot TNA.

So, Dixie.... Special internet breaking news from Eric Bischoff to you.... This is what Easy E, thinks of you... And, I guess by default, himself, since he chose to post this on a social media website and then respond to his comments.... His direct comments on facebook, are as follows

Eric Bischoff, Controversy

Eric Bischoff, Controversy IMO social media has become the fly paper for the most vocal and the smallest percentage of fans. Most of the people who are the most active are losers/uneducated miscreants whose only validation of self comes from readng their own comments. 90% of the viewing audience have a completely differect pov (based on REAL research).

Although, I do like to dream this is what Dixie's REAL facebook status update was....

Dixie Carter President of TNA Wrestling I have to say, I totally forgot I was TNA President while having sex with The Bro & screamed like crazy. I was so lost in the moment. Congrats to myself.

Now! On to my observations of the show....

- The lame fans are at it again. It seems that anytime a wrestler hits a move, that's not either an armbar or an open hand punch, the fans start chanting some horseshit like " this is awesome " or " oh my god " ..... you know, I'd hate to be in the crowd and sneeze, because I'm sure they'd all turn around and start chanting " God Bless You.... God Bless you " .... Here's a new chant for you guys to start... " We Suck Dick " or how about " We Try Too Hard " ....

Ridiculous.

Tommy Dreamer gets in the ring and exposes his huge vagina he grew over the last year and starts thanking Dixie again for giving them the opportunity and the fans start chanting " Thank you Dixie " .... What the fuck for? For giving you the worst ECW tribute PPV in history? I mean, thank her for being the hottest piece of ass over 40 in history, thank her for having luscious dick sucking lips, thank her for giving me countless pictures on her facebook page to splooge to... but thanking her for a third rate ECW ppv?! PLEASE ....

Tommy, with as fast as you grew your mangina, you should really quit TNA and go on the speaking circuit and start teaching virgins , how they too, like you, can now grow their own vaginas.... So that way guys who have no chance to ever pound some squeash, can pound their own mangina, that YOU helped them grow, with your personal knowledge of how it's done.... It's really a public service....


Hogan thanking RVD for taking TNA to places he's never been before in wrestling.... Where exactly is that? Oh wait, I got it. RVD has taken Hogan to a place in wrestling he has never been to.

1.0 ratings. HOORAY! Re-Runs of 'Punky Brewster' and 'Who's The Boss' get the same ratings. So, Hogan is now officially on the level of celebrity as an 8 year old Soleil Moon Frye and A Greasy Italian with a Speech Impediment... " SAMANTA! " .... Dude couldn't even call his daughter by her name.... Shame.... Keep on letting RVD take you to new heights Hogan, maybe some day you'll be on the level with Alf...

- I think TNA should probably start every show with the clip from ' Back to the Future ' , you know the one where the Libyans come after Doc, and Marty gets in the DeLorean and tries to get away. He hits the magical speed and starts transporting to 1955?! Yeah, follow me....

You take that scene..... Use your special computer harry potter wizards in the production truck and magically take Dixie Carter's face, put it over the top of Marty's as he's driving away and instead of ' 1955 ' showing up for the year Marty is going back to. Just put ' 1999 ' on it.... Then, show that video to start TNA and then cut to a live shot of the Arena, and have a DeLorean come down the ramp surrounded by smoke and park ringside.... The door opens up, out pops Dixie in a yellow Hazmat suit, and like a clown car, all these old 90's wrestlers stop popping out.... The ECW crew, Hogan, Bischoff, Flair and Terry Taylor.... And the new opening theme song hits " Back in Time " by Huey Lewis....




BADASS... Because that's what TNA has become.... Back to the Future.... I say ' become ' , but really, it's what TNA has always been about.

Velvet Skye's boob mole..... I don't know what it is about that thing, but it's mystifying.... Everytime she's on screen, it's all I can stare at.... Why is it so intriguing? I don't know, it's probably because I read once that raised moles on or around the boobial area, were considered third nipples, so I think I consider it like FREE NIPPLE SHOT TIME and take advantage of every second.... I even wrote a song about it.... Wanna hear it? Here it go....

" Oh Velvet, your boob mole is cute
when its on camera, I won't leave even to poop
it has magic powers of pleasure and delight
I took liberties and pleasured myself to it tonight
it's a third nipple some might say
but I call it prevention, to keep me from going gay
Oh Velvet, your boob mole is cute
It goes with your boob nicely, like crackers and soup
that's a really bad analogy, I completely fucked that up
but that's because I'm hurrying through, so I can go bust a nut "

* insert your applause here *

I also wrote Abyss a song....

" Abyss.... Oh Abyss.... you're really really shitty
TNA wasting it's time on you is such a fucking pity
You look like you smell like ass
Which is probably not that far of a reach
Because we all know your breath reeks of it, because you prefer ass to eat
Abyss.... Oh Abyss.... you're really really shitty
I'm running out of things that ryhme to make this fucking witty
So, I'll give up and anyways it's time to go jerk off
But it won't be to male on male porn... hey, don't scoff!
I can't judge having gay, be your thing
Because I've often described your talent as " sucking dick " in the ring "

wow... I'm amazed too.... truly.

EV 2.0 ? I know I railed on this in my last post, but this name is stupid.... Someone call the shitty name police, we have a 1st degree offense going on in TNA.

I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I have a better name for these guys, because I don't. But, I'd think it would be awesome, if they just gave them some ridiculously long name, that way, those stupid fans sitting ringside couldn't chant it. Because, somehow these schmucks found a way to chant " EV 2.0 " .... So, I propose you name them something like " the group of men, who happened to be wrestlers, who once worked for a promotion that revolutionized and changed the industry and sent it into a period of time that will probably never be achieved again, ever. " .... Now, let's see you chant that assholes....

I can see it now... They'd start trying to do a chant.... " the group of men, who.... mumble mumble mumble " .... then smoke would start coming out of their ears, their eyes would roll back in their heads, and their skin would fall off, exposing them to be specially programmed chanting robots and Jeremy Borash would run over, pick up a pile of loose skin hanging on the pile of metal that were once the robot fans.... he'd clutch the metal remains to his chest, as he sits on his knees and screams out " MY BABIES!!!! ", while tears run down his face....

The surprise Jeff Hardy opponent was a HUGE disappointment…. It reminds me of most of my birthdays….My birthday falls two weeks after Christmas, so I’ve now come to expect disappointment on my birthday.

I remember one year quite vividly…. I was around 10, and at that time I had an irrational fear of midgets. Mainly because they had made me cry on the fairway of the State Fair, the year earlier. When, because I used to like to pick my scabs and not wash my hands, I got infetigo on my face, which causes blisters to show up on your face, so your face somewhat resembles the surface of Mars that you see from all those outer space photos.

Anyways, so I’m walking down the fairway and in the dunking booth was a midget on a plank, and his job was to rile you up with insults that you were supposed to lay down the money and be like “ I’m drowing that little bitch!!! “ …. I don’t think his job was to make adolescent fat kids cry…. But, he did…. I walked by, wearing my spuds mckenzie tshirt, which was too tight for my bulbous body and some zubaz pants, which not only were they horrible zubaz style pants, BUT! They were pink and black….

This midget starts hurling insults my way

“ Hey kid, the freaks are supposed to be inside the cage, not walking down the fairway! “

“ hey kid, do you dress that bad to take the attention off your pot marked face? “ ….

That’s when I burst into tears and I look over and there’s two more midgets, just dying laughing and pointing at me standing next to the dunking booth…. So, I did what any other fat kid would do in that situation…. I went and ate two corndogs and a funnelcake to make myself feel better…

“ I’ll show them who’s boss, I’ll eat the fuck outta these corndogs and pretend it’s them! Nom nom nom “

Instant fat kid satisfaction…. Anyways, so yeah, long story short…. I hated midgets at this time….. So anyways, my birthday…. My grandfather brings in this big box with extravagant wrapping and a bow and hands it to me…. I’m expecting something HUGE!.... I tear into it like someone wrapped up 14 pounds of turkey legs and the look on my face was priceless as I threw out all the toilet paper that was stuffed inside to reveal what my present was…. A VHS copy… NOT THE ORIGINAL, MIND YOU… A COPY…. Of the movie “ Time Bandits “ ….. I looked at my grandfather and started shaking my head…. Our conversation was as follows

“ This is a movie about midget time travelers “ - me

“ I know, you’ll love it “ - grandpa

“ I hate midgets “ - me

“ these aren’t midgets really, just not overly tall adults “- grandpa

“ but this piece of paper taped to the outside of the case says “ here’s that movie you wanted, the back to the future movie with midgets and Vikings “ ( I was referring to a piece of crudely torn notebook paper, that was taped to the outside box of the VHS tape that had this scribbled on there…. Along with the heading of “ mack – “ , because someone gave him the movie first ) - me

“ let me see that! “ - grandpa

I hand him the paper

“ how old are you? “ - grandpa

“ ten " - me

“ and you still can’t read cursive? “ - grandpa

My grandmother then interjects

“ you should be ashamed, mack “- grandma

“ oh, well excuse me for trying to make my grandson happy on his birthday…. Every kid I know LOVES midgets and Vikings and Back to the Future! “ - grandpa

“ What kind of kids do you know? “- me

“ fine! I’ll take it! “- grandpa

And later he went out and let me pick out anything I wanted for my birthday after my grandmother and myself guilted him into it…. It was later revealed that he had accidentally thrown away my birthday card with 100 dollars in it and he was trying to do a quick recovery and buy some time, but I arrived early, thus throwing the whole thing out of whack….

And that story, my friends, was far more entertaining than the Shannon Moore vs. Jeff Hardy match….. I don’t even know Jeff Hardy anymore…. I’ve told my friends, that I’m pretty sure, in his trailer in the woods of North Carolina, where he wears those aluminum hats and buries money in his front yard, while drinking his own piss and eating bugs, he somehow stumbled his way through a mixture of drugs, broken wooden tables he practices swantons on, extra facial makeup he doesn’t use, all the paint cans he huffs, and all the fabric patches of shirts he has cut out over the years to make holes in his wrestling attire…

He somehow, someway, through this, made a redneck macguyver clone making process and he just clones himself, just a much shittier version who now wrestlers in his place at TNA, so he can just stay in the trailer, wear those aluminum hats, talk to the velvet paintings of the dogs playing poker pictures that you know hang on his walls and do drugs and dance….While the shitty Jeff clone wrestles for TNA... It's brilliant!

And Shannon Moore…. Really? I can never take a guy seriously in wrestling with such an overtly feminine first name…. Not only does his name conjure up the perception of a huge vagina, he wears makeup and earrings…. Total fag…..

You know what TNA needs?

Booker T back…. NOW

Just throwing that out there. I need my weekly African American superstar scissor kick fix, and Alicia Fox isn’t doing it for me anymore and R-Truth has NEVER done it for me…. Booker T, I need you…. The Scissors Kick needs you….

You know what a telling sign is about how ridiculous TNA has been over the years? You can actually have a girl drive to the ring, in an arena, on a motorcycle and no one really think it’s all too weird…. You’re just watching it and going

“ oh, there’s a girl on a motorcycle, in a closed arena, on the Universal studio lot, where she probably had to go through 16 checkpoints of different companies security to just make it here, where she had to remove her helmet and produce I.D., and we still don’t know her identity, BUT, this is TNA, where anything can happen!!!! “ and somehow this is on the show Tommy Dreamer quit the WWE for to make his big ECW reunion push…. That’s EXTREME!!!!!!!

* insert wet fart sound here *

And look, I know I’m being hard on Tommy Dreamer, but man, I loved this guy. I supported him the WWE as well. And this is the thanks I get for it? A watered down ECW reunion,which was done better in WWE ( TWICE ), and really, it was done better the first time TNA did it when it was in Nashville.

Tommy Dreamer crying while thanking Dixie Carter? PLEASE…. IF, this was done right, he would have thanked her, Sandman would have caned her, Dreamer would have then done the Spiccoli Driver on her, and to finish it off, Mick Foley would have sent her through a flaming table, where then I could rescue her and tell her “ you know what cures burns?” she would wearily and groggily mutter “ what ? “ and I’d be like “ splooge, bitch! “ …. As I carried her off, in my arms….

I don’t know, I’m just disillusioned with it….. I have my ECW DVDS to make me remember the REAL ECW, which The Handsome One over at www.inyourheadonline.com had pointed out in his podcast. TNA, is really doing themselves a disservice by doing this angle in the first place, because some people will probably be intrigued that knew nothing of ECW before, and want to go buy some old ECW stuff, and guess who gets the profits off that?! Yep, WWE…. Which, is why I’m sure Vince really has no problem with them doing this angle anyways.

I will admit, I liked the ending of the show, but then again, it’s just strikingly similar to another invasion angle I saw about three months ago on RAW…. Although if this was WWE, Abyss would have surely been fired, which makes me wish this was WWE, so my dream can come true of seeing Abyss in the unemployment line or at some consignment store trading in his smelly used torn up wrestling shirts for grocery money…..

“ Sir, we can’t accept these… “ - register girl

“ WHY NOT?! “- Abyss

“ Well, for one they are ratty and torn…. Secondly they smell like they were used to clean up the leaky bowels of a homeless Hispanic senior citizen who slept in the dumpster and had a family of skunks hibernating in his asshole “ - register girl

And he just gathers up his clothes from the counter…. The guy behind him wearing rollerskates, in a neon shirt with beaded tassles hanging around the midriff, exposing his belly, which is adorned with a fanny pack, in daisy duke shorts, sporting a mullet, with a rainbow shaded visor on and old school AM/FM Speaker Headphones on, screams out “ get outta here FREAK! “ …

Abyss just shuffles out, head hung low as I sit and watch from the back of the store, hiding behind moth ball smelly tshirts and scream out “ YES! “ as my extended hand knocks over donated DVD’s nobody wanted…. I look down and they are all TNA Wrestling DVDs…. Oh, the irony!