TNA Impact Review 8/26/2010

This TNA Impact Brought to you by Benny Hill

Show starts off with a Dixie Carter promo. At this point in time, if Dixie wasn’t so cougar-ey hot my TV goes to another station and never returns…. Thank God, she’s blessed with the genes of angels…. Who are hot….Milfy… and have awesome, angelic bodies, specifically in the tit region …. So she comes out, calls out Flair…. Flair and fortune come out, they get to the ring, and THANK JESUS that Douglas Williams lost the Union Jack Bedazzled Cape and is dressed in a suit…. Flair walks around Dixie, ogling her…. I wish, at this moment in time, that I was one of those psychic remote viewers, who can transport themselves into the body of another to see what they see…. Because, I’d totally use this to my advantage to transport into Flair’s peepers to get an upclose look at Tixie's Ditties , but that would probably end badly, with this commentary by Taz

“ What’s flair doing?! He’s totally playing with his Yambags…. His old man wrinkly, veiny yambags! Yambags! In plain sight! “

….. She tells Flair she’s suspending him, but not Fortune, for all their actions the last few weeks…. Which makes absolutely no sense…. Which, in TNA’s case, makes perfect fucking sense…. Why suspend just one guy?! What does that accomplish? Does she really believe the rest of the guys in Fortune would get this news, shrug their shoulders and go “ oh well, this two week ride has been fun… “, and then do everything Dixie tells them to do? PLEASE…. Complete idiocy….

Flair started to human combust after being told what to do from a female, and I don’t blame him…. So he starts to berate Dixie and looks like he’s about to assault her when….. Frankie Kazarian's dad hits the ring….. Oh wait, that’s Serj BLAHBLIDDYBLAH….. Dixie’s husband…. Flair and Fortune beat him down…. And, on second thought, that remote viewing thing, I’m changing my pick, totally going for that dudes peepers at night in their bedroom….

Although, I’d still have the Taz commentary fantasy angle “ Serj is giving her da bidness, Tenay…. Da Bidness! ….. Tenay?! Wait, where am I’s ? “

As soon as they start beating Serj BLAHBLIDDYBLAH, Team Hogan comes out…. And Hogan and Flair stare at each other….

EGO EYE LASERS COMMENCE IN……

3……..2………..1……….

Hogan raises a sword towards the heavens and lightning strikes it as he says “ I HAVE THE POWER! “ …..

Actually that didn’t happen, but that would have been fucking epic, especially if he had a tiger with him…. Booooomb!

He does say he has partial power…. Yeah, I don’t see He-Man being believable if he raises the sword towards the Heavens, outside Castle Greyskull and utters “ I HAVE THE…….. POWER OF HALF! “ …. And then instead of lightning, maybe one singular piece of hail falls and hits the sword….

So, after he states he has partial power…. He reinstates Flair…. Which makes the whole promo useless and the whole ten minute segment pointless….

EV2.0 comes after fortune…. They brawl…..

The one thing that I came away with after this segment was the Fortune members holding up their new hand sign…. Which….. Sucks….

They hold it up and fingers go all over the place, criss crossing, it looks horrible…. It looks like someone asked a retard … “ how old are you? “ …. And they thrust up their hand all violently and fingers go all over the place and your left judging the specific number they meant after the many combinations their jumbled fingers just displayed….

Just quit it already, TNA…. Stop with the Horsemen stuff…. Form a fresh faction…. There’s no need to do everything the Horsemen did, except for calling themselves The Horsemen….

Next….

Samoa Joe vs. Orlando Jordan

And this is another problem I have with TNA….. Who the fuck designed these cracker jack Action Figures?! Orlando Jordan comes to the ring wearing a Samoa Joe action figure on a necklace around his neck….

I’ve seen this action figure several times at stores and it looks absolutely nothing like Joe…. Besides his girth, there’s nothing there, without the packaging, that would make you go “ That’s Samoa Joe “ …. Nothing…. And, the Kurt Angle one? “ …. PLEASE…. I saw this at the store once and I thought to myself…. Did someone take a picture of my dad and send it to the people who make TNA action figures and told them that my dad was Kurt Angle?!.... Kurt Angle looks like a skinny, balding 50 year old man…. It’s horrible….. I bought the figure anyway and painted some jorts on it, and gave it to my dad with “ ROY “ , written on the leg and told him it was his own personal action figure…. He was appreciative…. I couldn’t find little action figure crocs or a beer can to make it authentic, but it was close enough to my dad to be passable….

Anyways, off my soap box, back to the match….

It was good, nothing great…. Samoa Joe won with this finisher that looks painful, and I guess that’s the point…. It’s called a Muscle Buster, which is eerily similar to what Dixie calls the handjob she gives me, only substitute “ muscle “ for “ nut “ ….

At the end of the match I thought to myself…. “ Man…. Samoa Joe, please go to WWE…. The matches he could have with Daniel Bryan would be epic…. “

And then the “ obvious thought police “ pulled me over for committing a Class B penalty….

During this time, some redneck dude in a cape with a feathered mullet came to the ring, he looked vaguely familiar…. I thought security was going to be called on this redneck who obviously had jumped the barrier and wanted to get in the ring…. But alas, he revealed himself to be Jeff Jarrett….

He asked Samoa Joe if he liked his cape and feathered mullet…. No, he didn’t…. He basically came out and rambled, and the whole time I could see in Joe’s eyes, the thought of “ if I don’t get out of here quick, the wrestling gods will come from the heavens and consume my eternal wrestling soul for being in the ring with such a glorified jobber….. with a mullet and cape on, nonetheless “ …. Jarrett tried to recruit Joe to his “ team “ …. Which should have been more aptly named “ a duo “ …. Since, it would have only been him and joe…. Joe, wisely declined….

Then, as if things couldn’t get any weirder than a redneck with a feathered mullet, wearing a cape in the ring… A Homeless Dude comes out wearing trash bag pants and a tank top that says “ Big Sexy “ …. This has become like a bad episode of “ Wrestling Twilight Zone “ …..

They wrestled…. And I use that term very, very loosely….

Hey, TNA fans…. Why not start the “ THIS IS HORRIBLE “ chant for this?!

Oh, that’s right, you’ve all gone to the bathroom or fallen asleep….

This match got a crowd reaction like a superstars taping of Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim…. And even that, probably got a bigger pop….

The fans were loud one minute before these two dudes come out, then it was as if, someone put a big paid of “ Bose Noise Reducing Headphones “ over everyone’s ears…. It was silent…. Match was horrible…. I don’t think the homeless dude in garbage bag pants has ever changed his match routine since 1996…. It’s the same move set…. It’s like someone had one of those magical time freezing wands, where everything freezes except you.... And they had it back in 1996…. And they were at a “ IN YOUR HOUSE “ , WWF PPV, Diesel vs. Duke The Dumpster...... used the wand and fell asleep for 14 years… Woke up, and went “ oh shit!! “ …. Waved the magic wand and Viola! Tna Impact match – Jeff Jarret vs. Kevin Nash….

Match was so horrible I turned to watch Football…. I read somewhere Nash won because Sting came out with his baseball bat and took out Jarrett… So, I guess Nash won….

Big Loser? Everyone with eyes and a deep appreciation for wrestling….

Bischoff comes out, cuts a horrible promo. He stumbled on his lines…. Asks Sting what he wants…. “ I want to be taken out of The Bro’s Top Ten Leeches List! “ …. No, he didn’t say that….

Sting, said he wanted a big juicy penis , no, he didn’t say that either, but weirdly a HUGE DICK showed up in the ring and laid him out with a chair……

Hogan…. Ugh….

Weakest/Chairshot/Ever ….

Somewhere, Stephen Hawking was watching this and typing out on his computer talking thing …. “ I…Could….Do….Better…..THAN…..THAT……ASSHOLE LOLZOMG! “

Beer Money vs. FBI ….. Match was good, if you enjoy squashes…. I don’t think Mamaluke or Guido got in any offensive…. ANY….. Beer Money won…. Guido got the beer bottle to the head from Storm…. Nothing here that awesome…. In the annals of wrestling history, this will be remembered as…. A match that took place sometime on a TNA impact….

What else happened?!

Hmmmm…..

Oh yeah…. Some girl who looked like Angelina Love came out with Velvet Skye…. But, for some reason, Taz kept calling her “ ANGELEENER “ … I attribute this to bizzarro world, TNA style….. Like bizzarro Superman does everything backwards, compared to Superman…. Well, ANGELEENER “ does everything opposite from “ Angelina “ …. Including being friends with Velvet again and eating, AT LEAST, one cracker, per day, compared to Angelina’s food intake of…. Well, nothing…..

One time a friend asked me “ could you imagine fucking her?! “ …. I said yeah…. All you have to do is go to any high school biology class, grab the skeleton hanging in the corner and dry hump it’s non existent brains out…. The girl needs a sammich…. I like my girls with curves….

HELLO?! Velvet and your boob mole, you’re looking especially lovely tonight…. Remember that SONG
I wrote for you?! Yessssssss…..

Oh right…. Ummmmmm, Madison Rayne comes out with her motorcycle protector woman thing…. They get in the ring and for some reason the Motorcycle protector girl thing, removes her helmet revealing her wearing a scuba mask and her eyes have black ash on them, like she was looking into a car exhaust when someone started it and it backfired in her face…. I really don’t understand the logic or the reason behind all this….

And I giggle thinking to myself - I wonder what someone would think just flipping through the channels and they have no wrestling knowledge at all, and then their remote breaks on Spike, and they’re stuck watching it…. How long do you think it takes for them to go completely insane?! 10, 15 minutes tops?! ….

Because, in the last ten minutes, you’ve had a redneck guy with a feathered mullet, wearing a cape... fight, what appears to be a homeless vet, in trash bag pants with a tank top that says “ big sexy “ – talk about your all time false advertisements - .... then you have a girl come to the ring with another girl wearing a scuba suit with a helmet, only to pull the helmet off to reveal exhaust pipe ash stuck to her face…. WTF?! I just literally went insane typing that!

Anyways, catfight, lots of “ bitch “ and “ whore “ yelled at one another…. Velvet and Madison looked hot…. “ ANGELEENER “ looked like Laurie Metcalfe, from ‘Roseanne’ fame, should have been out next to her giving her speech “ ANGELEENER eats nothing all day and is forced to wrestle for little or nothing… she’s famished…. Your 35 cents a day can go a long way to put a smile on her face and some food in her stomach “ ….

Motor City Machine Guns beat Generation MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Good match actually…. Nothing really negative to complain about, besides the generic-ness that is Generation MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…..

Desmond Wolfe is a stud…. How this guy isn’t in the main event picture, is absolutely beyond me…. And yes, I type this partly because I love looking at Chelsea…. But, come on, the guy is Next Level….. He beats Stevie Richards…. Which, I’ve often wondered how many people look at a wrestling card, with no advanced knowledge and go “ Stevie Richards…. Wasn’t he that kid ( insert some weird accident that befell some nondescript kid they knew in high school ) ….. “

I don’t know, Desmond Wolfe is awesome, he beat Stevie Richards, which is a foregone conclusion as soon as the name “ Stevie Richards “ is announced….

Oh Chelsea…. Sweet, Sweet Chelsea, with your pursed lips…. How, I love thee so….

Rhino and Abyss brawled and no one really cared…. Rhino’s gore looked almost as weak as Edge’s…. In fact, I think they should have a “ gore-off “ someday where someone holds a ream of notebook paper and see who can gore it and cut through the most notebook papers with one try…. I’m betting Edge wins it…. 10 pages to 8…..

Main Event – Angle, Anderson, Hardy & The Pope Vs. Styles, Kazarian, Morgan & Williams …. Decent match, the ending was pretty cool…. Angle hit the angle slam, but Pope covered for the win…. This made Angle mad... they shoved….. Anderson and Hardy tried to calm it down…. This made me sick…. Why is Anderson being wasted as a babyface?! The True Anderson, the one I knew and loved, would have been egging them on and enticing them to fight…. Not trying to separate them….

EV2.0 comes out and look! They have new shirts…. And they’re horrible…. They attack fortune…. Cut to black….

Pretty average show… And by Average, I mean Average by TNA standards…. This was nothing great…. The whole time I’m watching this Impact , I’m thinking to myself, They should really just remove the commentators…. And have this song playing throughout the course of the show….

IT would be very appropriate….

thebro1869@yahoo.com