Nonetheless.... You can see how my life was pretty miserable up until Freshman year in high school....
However, I did have an Ace in The Hole.... And regardless of that being code language between me and your mom for us having dirty sex on your bed, in this case, I really mean I had a card in my back pocket, that when people made fun of me, I'd whip out and be like " Bam! Who's Awesome Now, Bitch?! "
What's the card?!
This is the card!
You're probably asking yourself, what the fuck does two, middle aged, mustachioed, mulletosed, bandana and half shirt wearing, hot pant wearing men have to do with me being awesome....
Simple.....
One was my cousin....
This one....
Ladies, I'll give you a moment to go and change your moisten panties....
..........
Ok.... Glad you could join us, and don't worry, he has that effect on all the ladies....
My cousin, Ricky Morton, was one half of the " Rock N Roll Express " ... They were a legendary tag team in the USWA and then the WCW.....
Back in the 80's and part of the 90's, " The Rock N Roll Express " were arguably the biggest tag team in wrestling, and to this day, are still regarded as one of the best Tag Teams in Wrestling History....
So, when kids were especially mean to me in school about me wearing Pink and Black Zubaz pants and a Spuds McKenzie shirt....
Thanks, Mom....
I'd just whip out the old " Yeah, but Ricky Morton is my cousin and I hang out with him all the time " card....
You don't know, how many fly middle school honey's would come sit next to me in the cafeteria on a Monday, after watching videos like this....
On a Saturday Wrestling Program....
They were all like " So, Ricky Morton is really your cousin? he's so cute! "
And me and my girth would reply back " Yeah, ummmm are you gonna eat the other half of that sammich? "
I remember in fifth or sixth grade, it was " bring a family member to school " and I wanted so badly to take him to school and rub him in my classmates face.
Only one problem, Ricky was super popular and I MAYBE saw him once a year, because he was wrestling the other... I saw his dad and mom way more often when I went with my Grandfather to visit them.... So, I was in quite the predicament....
Why?! Becuase, I had already promised everyone I was going to bring Ricky as my family member and because half the school didn't believe he was my cousin....
What happened next?
Sheer and utter hilarious embarrassment....
After never hearing back from Ricky about showing up to the school, I'm assuming my father took matters in his own hands....
I get a call the day before we were supposed to bring them in....
My dad answers the phone with a sheepish smile on his face... " Hello?! "
He then hands the phone to me....
" Hello?! "
" Woooooooo! is this Matt, Wooooooo! "
" Yeah, who is this "
" This is... Ric... By God.... Flair! And I was told you needed me to come to your family day at school woooooooooooooooooo! "
" Are you in my family? "
" Woooooo, I'm your cousin! "
I look over at my dad who was trying to act like he didn't set this up by mouthing "WHO IS IT?"
" Sir, I think you have this all wrong, Ricky Morton is my cousin and I'm trying to get him to come to my family day at school "
" Woooooooooooooooo! That's right...... ( a moment hits where I think he realized what I just said ) oh..... Can I speak to your dad?! "
I hand the phone to my dad and he tells me to go upstairs
I pretended to, but stayed on the staircase to listen
" Goddamit! I said Ricky Morton, not Ric Flair, are you kidding me? "
The rest of their conversation was profanity laced and I just trudged off to bed..... To eat a oatmeal cream pie that I kept under the mattress for emergencies, to soathe my fat kid broken heart.... And then went to sleep....
The big day comes.... The festivities start with each class member bringing in their respective family members....
My moment comes.... Everyone turns to me.... I'm sweating....
Then the door opens.... And someone walks through the door....
Dressed just like Ricky! OMG! My dream has come true. I saved face in front of all my classmates! I showed them! YES! I had the best family member to show off ever and everyone could eat their own shitttttttt....... Oh wait....
The guy who entered looked just like Ricky from a distance.... Tight black pants with neon bandanas tied around them, a sleeveless tshirt and hair that looked just like Ricky with sunglasses on....
Then he placed a boombox on the teachers desk and hit play....
This is what started to play.....
The fucking Midnight Express theme music....
The rival tag team to Ricky's Rock N Roll Express....
Oh Fuck.....
After a minute of the song playing, he hit stop and started talking....
" I'm here dudes and dudettes, and my cousin is none other than Matthew, Woooooooo!, Nichols "
I do a silent " oh my fucking shit " wave and bury my head down....
I guess someone raised their hand because " my cousin " was like " alright, i'll answer your question in one minute man, but I gotta address something first, by God, woooo! "
It was Wes.... I hated Wes.... And this had become embarrassing.... I didn't think of the logistics of having a professional wrestler come to school in the first place...
It was pretty awkward.... I mean, other kids were bringing in their parents in business suits and ties.... And here comes my "cousin", dressed in hot pants, bandanas, a half shirt and more bandanas.... In today's Post-Dateline world, he probably would have been arrested on the spot, for looking like a straight up pedophile.... Walking into a school
You have to understand, when you're a wrestler and in that world, you live a different life and reality sometimes becomes blurred with your fictional life, a fact that this imposter, tried to play to the full hilt.... That's why, when it was my "cousins" turn to talk to the class, it proved disastrous....
" Hey dudes and dudettes, everyone is looking radical today, woooooo " he had suddenly become Bill and Ted mixed with Ricky Morton and Ric Flair
Cheers from my classmates, along with some snickering from some kids who loved wrestling and could spot this horrible imposter....
" Well, you all know my cousin, no need for introductions, he's a cool kid, he tells me some of you guys make fun of him for being chunky, is that true? by god, it better not be! "
Kids shake their head out of pure terror... I'm thinking to myself " fuck you dude, I'm Husky! "
" Good, don't let me find out about you picking on my cousin, or I'll come bust some heads, woooooo, nasty style! "
He kisses his fist as everyone in the class looks on with fear and terror in their eyes.... I'm wishing I was anywhere but here....
" Now, onto that question rockin' dude, ask it brotha, yeah, woooo! " he says as he looks towards Wes....
" Is wrestling fake? " Wes, always a smart ass, asks from the back of the class... I hated this kid.... He was Zach Morris Jr.... He was snickering and looking at me like I was an idiot....
I rolled my eyes and sighed, this is where it got ugly.... way ugly....
My "cousin" starts laughing... The rest of the class starts laughing.... Then he gets a stern look on his face and goes " stop laughing " ... Everyone shuts up....
He gets up off his seat and walks towards Wes.... Gently chuckling....
He gets close to Wes' desk, Wes is scared shitless....
My "cousin" slams his leg on an unoccupied desk, next to Wes....
He pulls up his hot pant legs and goes.....
" Get a good look at that Chief... You know what that is?!....By God! That's a broken bone, that never set properly because I broke it during a match and finished the match on a broken leg, causing me to forever be physically damaged, wooooo!.... " don't ask me why he was " woooo-ing " a debilitating injury "
Wes' eyes were the size of Star Jones Areolas....
" You see this honcho? " My "cousin" starts brushing back his mullet, which moved up and down on his head, revealing it to be a wig, probably a " Jem " one.... and shows him scars on his forehead
" Those were from a barb wired death match in japan I had.... Scarred for life, son, woooo, rock on... rock on! " (Wayne's World?!)
The teacher starts trying to talk to interrupt this horrifying freak show
" Listen hear woman, this boy wants to know if Wrestling is fake, I'm showing him it's not, let me be woman, by god, no one interrupts Ricky , By God, Morton! WOOO! of the midnight express! Wooooo! " My "cousin" responds to my teacher
My teacher grasps at her neck as she retreats back to the corner of the room, in shame....
I start laughing, because this is the greatest thing ever, it's a fucking trainwreck.... I had no other option but to laugh.... He enters, dressed like Ricky Morton, then started playing the Midnight Express theme song, starts talking like the mixture of Ric Flair, Bill and Ted, Wayne and Garth and Ricky Morton, then he gets pissed, all in an act, and misrepresents his tag team, YET AGAIN
" See this elbow?! " He asks as he slaps at it with his hand
Wes nods....
Then my "cousin" starts twisting his elbow out of socket, in a circle like fashion
" Does that look normal to you? huh?! does that look fake to you, boy?! " My "cousin" asks, his voice raising higher and higher....
Wes starts crying in class.... I start smiling in approval....
My "cousin" starts walking back to the front of the class and walks up another row towards the back.....
" Wrestling is real, My cousin is cool, Anyone got anything to say otherwise? "
Dead silence
I look up and it's my dad's best friend..... He's standing right next to me.... Ugh
" Good, I'm outtie, wooooo!" He then just walked out of the classroom, bandanas and tassles flowing behind him in the wind....
From that day forward, I never lived that day down..... I would have convinced more people, if I had walked in, like the fat ass I was, with a picture of Ricky's face cut out of a magazine, strapped across my face with the mouth cut out....
Later that night, I told my dad what had happened and again I listened in on the conversation....
" Fuck man.... He said you still got the tag team wrong, talked like Ric Flair and made some kid cry, what the hell?! "
But, there was always advantages to having a famous wrestler as your cousin.... You could take hot babes back to your place in high school and be like " so, my cousin taught me some new moves I want to try out " and they'd be ok with it, seeing as how your cousin was a famous professional....
Then, you'd get them on the ground, and start dry humping them....
This made me chuckle....
Couple of inaccuracies..
ReplyDeleteThe USWA was non-existent in time period you speak of.
It was simply known as Memphis. The USWA began in 1989.
Wes would've been Zach Morris Sr. because Saved by The Bell had yet to debut.
This was told as an older man, not as a person during that time period, hence the USWA reference and Zach Morris Jr reference.
ReplyDelete